Hypocrite

It is better to be all alone... It was said that I am not deserving enough... There is nothing good in me but hypocrisy... after all that I have done... What I did was to voice out my suppressed thoughts, and what I get back was a tattered piece of cloth, deemed stained with every type of evil deed that you could imagine. And so I was said to be undeserving of a worthy person, as karma will catch up with me as if my sacrifices and trapped feeling meant nothing. It is all about an child not filial enough to have her own life, her own arrangements, her own thoughts. And all the thoughts were treated as if I was haunted by some unknown evil which needs to be cleansed off with some sort of prayers every time I passed by her. Why? I am not a disease. I am not her. I love, care and give in my own way, but she thought it was poison being sugar-coated. And thus I am deemed and thrown down into the well of dark hypocrisy. And that my sacrifices were mere hypocrisy, lies and tall tales swimming with me in the dark pool. And that my every nonparallel ideas are ideas that are of bad tidings. My voice could not fit her ears, as she swept it all away, replaced by more accusations and threats that shade me in an even more darker light. And what am I diminished to? A mite?

It is exhausting. It is pointless to explain. It is but a story that everyone would think is a tale of something similar to Si Tenggang. Yea, I sacrifice my eagerness to grow and explore to return to the tiny house with no space for me whatsoever, to bear the every single negativity that is thrown at me until I feel that I am going nuts. And yet got blamed that I cast the negativity upon myself. All is well as in my own fault and that I am supposed to be filled with remorse of ideas and thoughts that are unconventional (in her narrow perspective).

Maybe I am really not worthy of a good life as what she imply as even the inner matter could not be settled for years it dragged like rotten fruits under the fruit tree. What more a new one.