As of today...

Something big which is known to the public happened today...
For the first time in these blurring months I pay attention and feel the concern rising from my heart sincerely...
The concern and endless silent prayers that I have wished upon every star to give their brightest sparkle, to give hope to the survivors... each and every time the victims stare far into the night sky waiting for help to come...
I wish for all the persisting life force be with them in every moment of their still unknown positions... I prayed that all the stubbornness and optimism continue to gear them to survive tomorrow's sun... Let the night be comforting for them, let the night bring not the fear, the harmful and the distress. Let the pain, the injuries they sustained be washed gently by ocean waves, the natural disinfecting liquid that keeps fresh wounds germ-free.
Let the relief reach be shorten, let there be better news when the sun rises again.  
Lives are precious. We have limited time as fleshed beings. It is best to make the best of every minute.
 It is best make the best effort to be a better person every minute, to feel again, to feel the feelings and inspirations that I had before everything broke down not too long ago. Though I am only human who do break down, I will rise again, stronger than ever. The experience is scrutinized sliced to the thinnest. I self -counselled, being counselled by best friends and buddies, released my anger,my frustrations in every possible way which I hope is harmless to the others, forgo myself for a few months and letting the emotions drown me whole without suppression, making cut-offs that sped up my recovery, and lots of emotional reading, psychological reading, self - reflecting.

And life isn't too bad after the topple. It is just a torn parcel that I will remember and refer to.

the single-cell cover

Drip, drip, drip...
The blood is dripping again...
why is it so fragile...
there isn't any stabs now, yet the cell wrinkles, the blood escapes...
it stinks in pain...
the heart of mine...
as if some lethargy come and wrung the cell...
it is still ironically self-explanatory...
but it can't help the single cell cover...
its vulnerables, as it rapture once, it couldn't self - replenish...
as there is only a one cell cover...
there were never two nor three nor many more...
so the thin membrane keeps flipping at the torn end...
the big tear which is now a smaller opening...
yet the white blood cells couldn't keep it intact just yet...
in many unexpected moments, it breaks open...
just a tiny crack but the ebbing blood still drips out involuntarily...
maybe it is the gravity...
maybe it is the tides that churn the waves that beat against the cell wall...


  

How things are...

people have different levels of coping...
might be one of the weaker ones...
it is not to mean that there is still anger and rage...
it is just the feeling of moving on...
like an infant carrying its bowels...
pain is how it came to life,
pain is how it gets to know life,
and pain is how it gets to live it...

pain is how it fades away... slowly...
the removal and the non-seeing makes everything seems clearier than the previously clouded...
it is all that balance things up and how new perspective sprang from thus...

Chimes in the heart...

humming the sounds heard in the wind...
replaying... certainly not rewinding...
the love towards life thus resurrect...
sun is good...
crops are growing...
things are flourishing once again...
in this quiet place...
I am glad...
things are maintained in cycles...
those beautiful cycles...

It is just mean....

Emotions are mean things...
The more you want them under control, the more they rebel...
They always do so during cold chilly days...
when rain drops shower the earth like snow flakes to the four seasoned countries...

So the emotions soar.... dancing their ritual dance at the start... stabbing the heart as it plays its rhythm...
the narrowing of valves in which those emotions had wanted to  suffocate the whole being...
But now the troop is weakening but still the heart is vulnerable as tougher veins take time to grow...
the stabs that emotions throw during sudden and unexpected blows like that are battled by the getting-used-to...

And then stabs of emotions became an art... a bitter art to be appreciated and enjoyed... only the one who experience it knows the bitter joys... A melancholy...
A fading joy of pain...

Being moody again~

Why can't people differentiate two similar elements?
similar is not the same as 'the same'... similar covers slight differences or just a dot of difference between the two or more... same means carbon copies...
the slight boundary lines always make people ended up getting hurt, scarred, injured, broken...
there are no blurred lines... uncertainties are always for the confused yet arrogant...
till they realise it... damages are often done or had gone beyond repair...
do I say grey is a carbon copy of bluish grey? definitely not, there are different shades of grey...
darker grey means you had mixed more dark matter than the whites... which might mean negativity... light grey means you give more white element to it... making it a lighter colour... a more soothing aura rather than a gloomy one...
so between a grownup and a kid...
we know the difference but they are all humans...

Therapeutic moments of grumbling...

writing... a channel to vent everything out... to speak the clearest of what's in my mind and yet I know confidently that nobody would mind... As I am so insignificant...However, I am infamous to the extend of being the populer geek that is bad mouthed by people and yet I felt blessed as no swords of such stabbed me in front... It is better to be ignorant of all these... And they would not be too bothered to search for me on this 'line'... as I am neither too irritating (a thorn in the flesh), nor having any major reasons for people to dislike me that much... as I did nothing to them... I shout my thoughts but they are all just about me... I don't spread rumours... I don't have cliques...I am just noticeable enough when i wanted to be noticed... and the only reason that people find me bothersome is the way i studied... hehe... no harm in that... but it is still the topic of conversation if ever they are talking about me... So I am glad... though all they thought i do the whole day is study, study and study.... I played hard too...only the ones close enough to me know... I am glad... that label of being harmless and totally studious, without any other interest except books entertained me...
What is the meaning of being un-studious and fun and all... Most of the time what they do is just hanging around doing nothing or sleeping which they find much more interesting than being able to savour books? lol...pathetic indeed... cause their sedentary statuses in the 'book of many faces' will be 'so tired, feel like doing nothing', 'or *feeling grateful* am able to wake up late because it is the weekends' or '*feeling blessed* I did nothing today'... lol, so called cool and extrovert things to do...lol....