小感触。。。

小小保护层。。。保护自己。。。伤痕累累的自己。。。虽然无法接受。。。但必须。。。我一直想像美好的未来。。。我会踏上这条路吗？不能想象真情真的难找。。。想要保护朋友，却做不到。。。很想帮她一忙。。。她性灵脆弱，心中一定有不甘。。。社会难料。。。人生这么多遗憾，我们却慢慢长大了。。。生活圈圈的保护层渐渐容不下我们了，因为我们变成了保护层，许多事情，越要体会小快乐，自己割爆的伤越深。。。伤久了，痛变成习惯。。。痛得很快乐， 痛得迷失自己，痛得不再痛了。。。因为后来痛被误解成快乐。。。苦苦的快乐。。。美好的都成了过去。。。天真的，也都消失了。。。
理智保护不到快乐。。。因为快乐是属于天真的。。。人大了真的能快乐吗？
我自己也在怀疑自己期待已久的快乐，真的会有吗？因为许多人都在自造虚伪的幸福，幸福时他们真的幸福吗？他们为了幸福而努力自造幸福。。。电视里的幸福不可能在现实中出现，对吧？

Depressed...

there are times.. when i wished i remained at sea...
bubbles hiding me...
i wouldn't want to resurface ever again...
these are all scary dreams..
so much for my soul to bear...
i feel different...
my fins flapping silently...
stirring currents...

What are people?

People... Are they contraries? nope they are not abstracts to me... they have at least a body form...

Are they complicated? Yes, you may say they are... They were made out of trillion trillions of electrons and neutrons and protons which made up the whole texture of the form... It would be a supernova sort of structure, but more condensed per say...
The minds in them are more semi- abstract... there's the structure there, and there are mobile sub - electron particles traveling tirelessly all around the railway like structure in the brain lines...
Ask we grow, the particles speed so fast that they sometimes do not know why they travel at such high speed... As the worldly abstracts bind layers and layers upon them, lubricates the roads for them to spee through... they seemed happy... therefore, the happiness got trapped in... when excessive ones and going astray ones were also in, people wanted the happiness from various sources, they get uncontrollable, like roller coasters without breaks.... zipping through the mid air rail... rattling the metal bars, grilling the sparks which had unconsciously scarred and hurt the brain... they continued to zip pass everything, catching each and every tiny worldly particle to make themselves smoother in their rides... they couldn't separate the dark from the light, they do not believe that innocent soul should be created at all because they are dumb... they do not deserve to exist in this roller coaster world... the pleasure that are accumulated are too irresistible that innocence aren't allowed to ride it as it will spoil the fun....
Well, i thought fun was always the simplest things in life, not some high glamor delusions or some blind conformist's dreams... Well, that's hard to say some willingly embrace and throw themselves against it... blinding themselves further... thinking that by blinding themselves, they are getting smarter...
but what is smart? smart means nothing it can't be binded.. it should be carved... with every stroke slitting so neatly into place, they should be maintained too. the depth the speed, the way of slitting it, making a mark of in on the same wound... it takes more than that to bind it...
people, the creators of delusions and failures of delusion themselves... crawled around in dark caves covered in glowing moss that they see as the purest light...
Laughing away madly without the knowledge of the real world which is so pure outside... they create cocoons of what they called stylish reality... they wriggling bodies laugh in it never wanting to break through the threads of darkness to see light.. to see the birds chirping, on a breezy evening... to see nature in it's truest harmony... man bind man... and the binding grows... eating the space of the purest... covering the atmosphere with madness... and the madness grow wild... as many are infected... they were sent to the deepest hollows under the glowing moss... where they were pronounced mad by the less mad people who though that they are as sane as god... what good is nature? they saw from their cocoons that these are dying worthless nature, that dies and blooms once in a while... nothing remains... they want permanence... nobody wanted to die... dying is their greatest fear... so they wore cocoons around themselves, like butterflies who refuse to hatch... but only, their wings weren't of butterflies, but tattered clawing scales of falsehood... their wings were white and light as a dove's downy feathers... but the materials they used were scary, they were done by extracting the worst spores from the decaying glowing moss... they harness it to their backs, thinking that these will make them angels in the dark cocoon... for them, they called themselves fallen angels... which they weave stories about bringing hope in the cocoon.. the world out there dies, so do they... they say that, they die but their presence were there.. Weren't they.. shadows laughed in the corridors.. they clawed at the walls of webby cocoon... no, they could never go out...as shadows don't exist under the sun...
life of an innocent, of purest purity.. do they exist in the cocoons of reality?

Little bits that are yet to be revealed...

Life here is getting busier than ever with the exams nearing...  Although there wasn't as many trips as the previous semester, it was still great fun, drawing little delight from tiny events... First discovery, there are chicken chops sold in NZ...!!! Hahaha, I was so happy... I was so pleased... It was really tasty...

Chicken Chop in NZ!!!! Yeap, I asked for the one with rice set because it was worth the money...

this is panikeke... Do not be deceived by the ordinary looks... It could make people's stomachs very happy indeed...

oysters - slimy expensive sluggish mussels for the rich

Custard tart.. This was enormous... love the bakery across the road... they make wonders to their pastries especially their pies!!!

As for oysters, it was my first time trying them out too... Not to my liking though... it taste like squirting jelly which is very fishy and lemon-ish (cause of the lemon squeeze).. Well, some times, 'high class food' aren't really that fantastic for 'commoners' like me... Got a deal off the web which gives me a chance to savour high class buffet... food makes me happy... that would be the first n last...this restaurant isn't my type... Once in a while treat is also too much for an ordinary person like me...
I even had panikeke - Samoan pancake (round and chewy) which my Samoan friend had introduced me... It was good... Couldn't eat that much though because they are really filling...

Spring's going to be gone so soon...

That is why I capture so many little fluffy heads of spring's children... They nod gracefully to the rhythm of the wind... Chiming sweet smelling tunes which make the onlookers sense delightful spring dances of simple beauty... Pardon me as I do not own any professional camera which will portray their utmost beauty... but I am contented with what I regard as the images worthy of my safe keeping... These moments are always warm... When time comes where I would be looking back at this moment and thinking of the past self which had not let spring escape my hands... Though I could say that, I literally missed capturing winter in action as there isn't much weather changes in Auckland... No snowy carpets of white sprinkle or the fluffs which floated down from the sky in many other regions... Sigh... Maybe I'll go once to the colder regions next year, to get the feel of Mr Frost in his comfort zone...

Re- defining, re - reflecting...

I have realized that as time passes, I drifted afar... It is always so... There was the emptiness that I could not explain creeping up as frequently as possible... There was the time where I couldn't find myself, as I got lost deeper and deeper..unknowingly... There is no joy in joy itself... No anger so full of frustrations before.... Then, it struck me, I have grown apart from what I used to belief... from what I hold so dearly... I regretted my actions... I will not partake a single drop of delusion again though it is just a minor succumbing to temptations... Though it was without any consequences, though it was during the holidays months ago, though at the surface it was a harmless thought, a harmless action, though there are no apparent ill fate, I realised the ignorance that i should have not given in.. though it is mere wine tasting, I will seek to repent my misguided actions... I yearn the blissful peace I have... The forgotten chants... The prayers that I did every night are blurring into routines... They are without the mindfulness I once practice... I will, re-define myself again... To be mindful, to follow the Dharma once more... to re- define myself, to reflect my actions... I found a profound joy today as the discovery of a Buddhist circle tucked away in the midst of the hassle of desires and delusions... I will walk my way through... to my righteous path again... This time more mindful of my straying states...

Where it lies....

The calm blue charms...
the great Grey vessels.... the soothing clovers...
the diminutive alpines...
the flutter of soft canvas over the rims...
the wings of a shadow waving on the windowpanes...
it is sometimes not about controlling emotions...
it is the uncontrollable emotions, or the unwillingness to control, which makes it uncontrollable..?
it is natural, like hay in under the sun...
it dries... dampen by moisture, it rots... inedible by farm animals...
it is material, materials are temporary...
flesh is too, and so are emotions...
great forward leaps...
no matter how high you go, there is always the horizon to guide you...
so no matter what it is...
you always know where it lies...
tender and sweet, changeable brutal and harsh...
the path is always there waiting...

Spring... Lovely Dreamy days...

Spring.. the season of life and tales of life...of joy and contentment... of fantasy and moments worth cherishing... of dreams that are yet to be fulfill... Yet, spring would be the most unique season for me... it is breathing life, the flavorful spell casts over the green tufts so fluffy... bringing greens (grins) into every single creature alive... little finches.. I've always love them... their sand bathes are as warm as toast, their wings scoop gleefully into the sand sprinkling soft dust grains over their tiny round bodies, as I walked down the pavement to get to my classes everyday... Even during the cloudless mid-days, where sun breaks frost for several weeks now...  The most wonderful part is where faint scents of pretty soft petals dripping down from trees and bushes like fallen feathers from the sky... pink, white, yellow... I've yet to see blue though... they played in the wind rejoicing their previous moments dancing with all their might, as they knew...once, they settled down...their pretty frocks are never to be blown in the air ever again.. thus, the spring's ball goes on and on, as each little petal dance to their time, like descendants of Cinderella, dancing their minutes away... And once the clock striked.. the wind scattered them over the fields and oceans, leaving behind their dreams hanging in the air... the scent that we breathe in are their unfulfilled dreams... The scent of fantasy... the scent of bittersweet moments... the scent that will remain till time gathered it up and swept it higher into the air, and when rain drops come racing down, bringing them along, where the dreams once again were sucked up by tender roots of trees and shrubs.. where new young petals strive to live up to their ancestors' dreams as well as creating their own. the cycle goes on..that's why we dream of spring when we sleep through our deepest dreams... the scene brings peace over it...as we tucked away, smiling in our comfy beds...

Where?

Where are the elves, I couldn't find them among the valves...
Where are the willows, I couldn't hear them bellow...
Where, where is the magic that make me calm...
in the deep twisted root
The rainbow drop was soaked, drenched in cold sappy puddle,
the search.. where is it.. where is everything,
where is Me?
the soul that wonders~~
restless, under the morning stars...
the gem of violet valley...
from the top of the soft cherrie blossoms,
filled with humming bees,
mint droplets hang...
the world is so quiet,
when Me went missing~~
What is Me doing, i can feel it's aimless gaze, straight ahead into the northern sea...
puff eyed...