Hypocrite

It is better to be all alone... It was said that I am not deserving enough... There is nothing good in me but hypocrisy... after all that I have done... What I did was to voice out my suppressed thoughts, and what I get back was a tattered piece of cloth, deemed stained with every type of evil deed that you could imagine. And so I was said to be undeserving of a worthy person, as karma will catch up with me as if my sacrifices and trapped feeling meant nothing. It is all about an child not filial enough to have her own life, her own arrangements, her own thoughts. And all the thoughts were treated as if I was haunted by some unknown evil which needs to be cleansed off with some sort of prayers every time I passed by her. Why? I am not a disease. I am not her. I love, care and give in my own way, but she thought it was poison being sugar-coated. And thus I am deemed and thrown down into the well of dark hypocrisy. And that my sacrifices were mere hypocrisy, lies and tall tales swimming with me in the dark pool. And that my every nonparallel ideas are ideas that are of bad tidings. My voice could not fit her ears, as she swept it all away, replaced by more accusations and threats that shade me in an even more darker light. And what am I diminished to? A mite?

It is exhausting. It is pointless to explain. It is but a story that everyone would think is a tale of something similar to Si Tenggang. Yea, I sacrifice my eagerness to grow and explore to return to the tiny house with no space for me whatsoever, to bear the every single negativity that is thrown at me until I feel that I am going nuts. And yet got blamed that I cast the negativity upon myself. All is well as in my own fault and that I am supposed to be filled with remorse of ideas and thoughts that are unconventional (in her narrow perspective).

Maybe I am really not worthy of a good life as what she imply as even the inner matter could not be settled for years it dragged like rotten fruits under the fruit tree. What more a new one.

I just need to vent out everything~ This is the place to do so~

I have been keeping in touch with my mandarin all the time now... Words written in the language could (most of the time) churn emotions that I want to forgo... But it is alright, I can vent it all out here. Blogs are so out of fashion nowadays. I can cry all I want here. It is safe with strangers and some of my closest friends who do come and visit this site now and then. I like being with myself alot, but sometimes, it feels a little lonely. I find that this stanza reflects on me well. It does.

也许是这个社会给女人的安全感越来越少了，

以前觉得安全感是一个承诺，

是过马路时紧握的手，而如今，

能给我们安全感的却唯有明媚的阳光，

和繁华路口人行道的绿灯，

出门时口袋里的钱包和钥匙，

手机里显示的满格电......

Just another emotional night. Well, everyone has to have these days to be a weaker version of their own self  so that they are able to stay strong for most of the other times.

到底。。。

到底，我想念的是陪伴点滴还是人伴。。。回忆不算美，不算甜。。。虽当时大部分是孤独伴着，可是还算有份期待，期待着的脸孔~期待着的微笑~

我常期待他的微笑~ 那我呢？有谁期待着我的微笑~ 人大了，虽还很珍惜自己，热爱生活，但还蛮渴望再次恢复热诚的心跳~ 只是不知何时还能有机会遇到对的人。。。

What's up with life?

Greens grown... Crawlers unfurl their leaves... It is a new dawn pattered with fine rain...
Ever so softly on the soil... The smell of earth rose with richness of fertile lineage...
Thus forth from the ground spring flowering buds and withered blackened leaves as well...
My life now a mixture of sorrowful past and enriching present~
I am thankful for them~

Little things that make me smile...

It is the laughter of tiny budding youth...
the positive and innocent vibe that sprang from noisy corridors...
the sun that showers warm light in the morning...
the cheerful atmosphere...
the big school field which fills with chatty children where once no shoes are allowed on it...
Every little moment makes you feel all the pushing and tugging at their souls towards the better are worthy...

Sometimes...

It is really great to face the ugliest of all trolls...
You learn not to appreciate beauty...

You learn to appreciate the soul and energy which is felt...
from the aura that is invisible to the naked eye...
you learn that you will sometimes be taken for granted by some 'nobodies'..
and that makes u learn to ignore and push them aside...
just fling your hair and turn...
life is so much better and exciting...

there are always better people to meet...
better topics to share...
like-minds that connect...
all these are making my own world a way more interesting place to live in...

Getting geared up, getting rust off my shoulder...

The salty water should never meet the metal nail...

The luster's gone replaced by brownish rust...

filthy dust which wraps so long the glow...

The value lost..

Only vinegar or apple cider could make the luster glow...

A dip overnight, a scrub in the morning...

A flash of reflection from the metal nail, shining so ever brightly...

I found vinegar... the spirit of like-minds really boast up the previously sunken esteem...

Reading all the blogs of like -minds really help...

So I kept a tab on all of them..

Cause they are worthy of my admiration and serve as my inspiration...

Life has always been good...

It was just a moment ago that I walked myself into a whirlpool...

and got my mind flustered...

not anymore...

I am more than that to be sucked into the death pit...

 

Inspired...

May stage of life will start in a few days' time. Though it is great to be near home, I wished I was given a further spot to spark my new life phase. Though I love being pampered, I in fact loathe being 'helicoptered". It is the riskiest way to live life, being overly guarded and covered. I would say that I need more than being stomped down into complacent conditions for the rest of my life. 

Getting into the new job would mean new life experiences and new social circles. However motivating it may sound, I am still overwhelmed by negative news circulating this profession. The doubts and uncertainties of the whereabouts of my job makes me dread the circumstance I am in now. Lacking experience in the local context and minimal opportunities for effective improvement really drags down my mood. 

Just not long ago, I came across a blog entry posted on the fb. My attention was caught by the fact that the blogger is working in the same professional line as I am. Looking through his blog entries eliminate some of my woes. The entries are inspiring and well - written. Most of my time for the past year had been a dreamy deterioration to the point where I no longer feel like my old self. My dreams, my life goals were all put on-hold. I have reached the realization that blaming myself on the decision I made two years ago is in fact stupid too. It is just a lesson to be learned by the dreamy me. Time wasted is not wasted at all as the flown away months spend at home with a quarter life crisis situation is coming to an end. So had I re-collected most of myself with a slightly wiser mindset and a gain of my sensibility which was oblivion for a bit too long. 

I am now grateful that I had woke up from the two-year long sleeping spell. This journey of mine is still long. It is still not to late to shape a better trail.  

    

Run...

I want to run as much as I could...
as fast as my feet could bring me...
to places I had wanted to peek and explore...

I like the feeling of running...
but I am still in a cage...
I will soon be free...
I can no longer stand the space in the cage...
I hate it, I loathe it...
I want to be free..
even though danger is lurking...
what is life is there isn't any risk...
i hate sedentary life..
I hate it a lot...
I want to live my life full of life...

Therefore, i want to run... run as far as I could...
my feet will bring me everywhere up to the point where it could carry nowhere...
I still want to fly... to run as wildly as I could...

New Stage in life...

A glass ladder upon the land among the clouds...
It stretches up higher into the endless blue...
What beholds, what unknown...
maybe there lies the land of giants where Jack and the bean stalk went to,
maybe there is a castle in the sky as Gulliver described...
 who knows what is up there...
though science has proven the layers of ozone and altitudes...
they never proven what is yet to be comprehended...
things seen by one which is not seen by the others...
as those who are telepathic and those who are no...
those who draw images on paper and those who project images from their minds...

Whatever lies, i know there will still be tears, but there will also be much bravery...

又来

无法切底，绝对的，狠心放下。。。发泄的次数代表了什么。。。才发现一不小心陷太深，太认真了，一不小心把全部真心也牺牲在初次的赌座上。。。

就好好让我在此大哭一场。。。

没理由的伤感又在我快痊愈的疤切下一片肉。。。
明明不想要过去的他再影响我。。。 偏偏又无意中看到他的近况。。。
怎么还给我看到。。。
我讨厌我自己，明明好像放下了。。。
却因他的小小的近况，再次崩溃。。。
一直说服自己真的不值得。。。可是心还是痛到要死。。。
痛到觉得心脏在此刻开始冒出大量的血。。。呕不出来。。。
怎么世上没有可以把伤心记忆给删掉的汤让活人喝而不只给过世的灵魂喝的。。。

Hello to the child in me...

I am the crust that withstand the ever-changing weather...
I had multiple scars from countless battles be it  lose or win...
But I still protect the child in me...
The purest laughter...
The enthusiastic explorer...
the passionate life lover untainted by any ill intentions...
the bright eyed toddler...

Even if the skin wrinkles and shingle...
I will willingly release the child by shedding my skin morbidly...
In the mean time it still stays...
it still lives happily...
though life is getting harsher...

Rain...

Rain brings calm refreshment...
Temporarily washes away all of those unhappy holdings...
It twists the life of the broken in a new way...
sprouting from the cracks of the broken...
tiny flaky leaves...
the trunk is still there..
however it gave up growing a single branch which had been hollowed by unseen parasite...
it diverts new cellulars in a single shoot,
healthily growing on another branch...

ups will always come after downs...
the pieces that are dropped turned into fertilizers that again feed the tree...
that is all the rotten branch could be made the most out of...

比寂寞更寂寞

傻傻的我还想念那份比寂寞还更寂寞的感觉~
勉强爱我时，真的让我觉得比寂寞还更寂寞。。。

原来寂寞是幸福，幸福是寂寞。。。
从他身上学会了，懂得的道理。。。

As of today...

Something big which is known to the public happened today...
For the first time in these blurring months I pay attention and feel the concern rising from my heart sincerely...
The concern and endless silent prayers that I have wished upon every star to give their brightest sparkle, to give hope to the survivors... each and every time the victims stare far into the night sky waiting for help to come...
I wish for all the persisting life force be with them in every moment of their still unknown positions... I prayed that all the stubbornness and optimism continue to gear them to survive tomorrow's sun... Let the night be comforting for them, let the night bring not the fear, the harmful and the distress. Let the pain, the injuries they sustained be washed gently by ocean waves, the natural disinfecting liquid that keeps fresh wounds germ-free.
Let the relief reach be shorten, let there be better news when the sun rises again.  
Lives are precious. We have limited time as fleshed beings. It is best to make the best of every minute.
 It is best make the best effort to be a better person every minute, to feel again, to feel the feelings and inspirations that I had before everything broke down not too long ago. Though I am only human who do break down, I will rise again, stronger than ever. The experience is scrutinized sliced to the thinnest. I self -counselled, being counselled by best friends and buddies, released my anger,my frustrations in every possible way which I hope is harmless to the others, forgo myself for a few months and letting the emotions drown me whole without suppression, making cut-offs that sped up my recovery, and lots of emotional reading, psychological reading, self - reflecting.

And life isn't too bad after the topple. It is just a torn parcel that I will remember and refer to.

the single-cell cover

Drip, drip, drip...
The blood is dripping again...
why is it so fragile...
there isn't any stabs now, yet the cell wrinkles, the blood escapes...
it stinks in pain...
the heart of mine...
as if some lethargy come and wrung the cell...
it is still ironically self-explanatory...
but it can't help the single cell cover...
its vulnerables, as it rapture once, it couldn't self - replenish...
as there is only a one cell cover...
there were never two nor three nor many more...
so the thin membrane keeps flipping at the torn end...
the big tear which is now a smaller opening...
yet the white blood cells couldn't keep it intact just yet...
in many unexpected moments, it breaks open...
just a tiny crack but the ebbing blood still drips out involuntarily...
maybe it is the gravity...
maybe it is the tides that churn the waves that beat against the cell wall...


  

How things are...

people have different levels of coping...
might be one of the weaker ones...
it is not to mean that there is still anger and rage...
it is just the feeling of moving on...
like an infant carrying its bowels...
pain is how it came to life,
pain is how it gets to know life,
and pain is how it gets to live it...

pain is how it fades away... slowly...
the removal and the non-seeing makes everything seems clearier than the previously clouded...
it is all that balance things up and how new perspective sprang from thus...

Chimes in the heart...

humming the sounds heard in the wind...
replaying... certainly not rewinding...
the love towards life thus resurrect...
sun is good...
crops are growing...
things are flourishing once again...
in this quiet place...
I am glad...
things are maintained in cycles...
those beautiful cycles...

It is just mean....

Emotions are mean things...
The more you want them under control, the more they rebel...
They always do so during cold chilly days...
when rain drops shower the earth like snow flakes to the four seasoned countries...

So the emotions soar.... dancing their ritual dance at the start... stabbing the heart as it plays its rhythm...
the narrowing of valves in which those emotions had wanted to  suffocate the whole being...
But now the troop is weakening but still the heart is vulnerable as tougher veins take time to grow...
the stabs that emotions throw during sudden and unexpected blows like that are battled by the getting-used-to...

And then stabs of emotions became an art... a bitter art to be appreciated and enjoyed... only the one who experience it knows the bitter joys... A melancholy...
A fading joy of pain...

Being moody again~

Why can't people differentiate two similar elements?
similar is not the same as 'the same'... similar covers slight differences or just a dot of difference between the two or more... same means carbon copies...
the slight boundary lines always make people ended up getting hurt, scarred, injured, broken...
there are no blurred lines... uncertainties are always for the confused yet arrogant...
till they realise it... damages are often done or had gone beyond repair...
do I say grey is a carbon copy of bluish grey? definitely not, there are different shades of grey...
darker grey means you had mixed more dark matter than the whites... which might mean negativity... light grey means you give more white element to it... making it a lighter colour... a more soothing aura rather than a gloomy one...
so between a grownup and a kid...
we know the difference but they are all humans...