Toying Around...

today's literature class was lively... No oral lecturing but more to participation from all of us... Miss Ratha had asked us to bring a soft toy each... To express our inner child...lolzz. Not exactly correct, but it is more to giving us the exposure of how a literature class in the primary school so be done interestingly... although most of us are in the 20's, we still mess around like children. the childishness showed when stuff toys were passed around with lots of cuddling and even bashing were going on... Giggles and laughter filled the room although it was a day with the sun shining so brightly that it could have made us drowsy...

We had to walk like a teddy bear...^^ This is one experience that i will never forget... Fancy skipping around the class like little toddlers... we are indeed not a bunch of nutters, but it shows that we are capable of acting maturely and also childishly...(Well, for me it is nothing new as I've been childish the whole while already, makes no difference for me except that it helps to amplify my childishness)...

snap shot of a group of soft toy owners...XD


the perasan-ted kitty and bong... not to forget my own doggie 'zai zai'(last year's birthday gift from Hwak and the others)...

Theva the kitty and I, what a pity she's holding a monkey...Hahahaha!!!

Cravings...

it isn't just the cravings food...it's sometimes different...

emptiness of the feelings...

i do not have it anymore...

the richness unfelt...

the numbness...

maybe this is called the transition period...

in the living room doing the drama discussion...

i do crave for seafood and food like those above...just hope that i do not get high blood pressure...

Food...

Weird feelings for me... during the weekends, there doesn't seem to be anything to do...i mean after finishing all that i could remember...yet, there seem to be stuff that i forget altogether...My HD assign still untouched...I'm so dead... Maybe i'll start on the draft today... few more presentations to prepare... endless presentation for us... I had tutorial this morning...Well, not really the usual tutorial as it turn out to be quite funny and scary at the same time... Our tutor asked about the meals we usually have and the frequency of it... She was so concerned about our weight and haemoglobin count as she does not want us to repeat what our seniors have experienced... each one of us had to list out what we take (usually take)...

When my turn came, i just told the type of food i took during the recent week... Oats for breakfast is a usual one, but the next 2 meals are so inconsistent... sometimes they are truly a balanced diet, and sometimes not... Tuna and biscuits?considered high in colestrols right??? I ate that during the weekends because i'm too lazy to walk out to get proper food...XD
Besides, i didn't have any black cloth tied around my left arm yet... Heard some rumours that a few who did not wear white head gear were slapped in Larkin bus station... it makes me nervous... Well, i'll get mine tomorrow... Anyway, sometimes i skip dinner too, and yet sometimes i overeat... ==! quite worried about my eating habits... I don't want to fail my medical checkup...

So, the whole session of tutorial was typically focused on food intake... Well, my presentations for the next two lessons went well.... i'm quite satisfied with it... O gosh, i need to finish up my literature powerpoint for tomorrow... Time is jam packed during weekdays...T.T

Change that...

i wonder if anyone will know me when i change my particulars? Reason why i change... My relatives do not know me, that's why i changed to the particulars in which they know of me... at least now i'm more easier to remember? it's hard to accept changes but sometimes it should be accepted in order to remain the same... i mean remain the original me...

Waiting...not for yesterday but today...

everybody is waiting...expectations- the ideal self created fantasy of every aspects in life... Sometimes waiting doesn't really bear the fruits of waiting... Waiting for the wrong thing is one undeniable mistake or maybe an unachievable act... Waiting for something abstract is even worse, we do not know the outcome at all... When we expect too much or have high hopes, the disappointment turns higher... This is the point when we are very vulnerable... we sometimes crushed... falling apart with a sudden feeling of 'never to get up again'... Yet, human being do have innate resistance when this sort of situation happens... we bounce back as time ticks on, layers of reinforcing materials are built around, forming an even higher resistance called numbness... Although the reinforcing material does not heal the wound, it protects it... So, no matter what happens I'm going to wait... waiting is a risk, I'm ready to take the risk... (my resilient level is high)... I hope that what i'm waiting for is a positive one...

Do I need to stop now?

Leaves drop over me, the scent of apples are overwhelming...
Far beyond the hill...Shady ones stood...
The wind drew my breath, taking it towards him...
I'm too imaginative i guess...
It was miles away...
closed or not, it opens daily...
yet the contents unknown...
i wet my hands in the mist, drops of dew appeared,
so cool and calm... i wish i could hold forever...
the warmth that they gave..
dream or reality?
do we live in a dream or the reality is a dream itself?
Staring into the glow of starlit atmosphere, how far is it?
is it reachable... There is a possibility of it, but too slim a chance...
Thus, a choice: Do i need to stop now? Am i spoiling myself with dreams of that sort?
the light poured in scalding hot or moderately warm, it depends on what weather it would turn out to be for the rest of the day...
I'll wait...
hoping that i could taste the apples of that faraway scent...

Down...Depressed...

A thought of reflection:

Do i deserve what i get? Or do i get what i deserved?
Although i tried to get what i think i should deserve, i didn't get it...
Instead i get what i deserve based on the perspection that i should get what i deserved, not my ideal deserving...

Many thought i deserved that, but i am not very satisfied with my deserving...
I will try again, hoping that i could get what i truly wanted to be the deserving one...

i'll bounce up quickly, don't worry...I'm a gemini... That was said by my reflection...@@

Tired...

I wish the waves are leaping in front of me,
a barricade of emerald turquoise, riding the wind,
with foamish manes shinning with sun ray studs...
when it ends with a welcoming shatter on the sandy shore,
strawed with shells of the ocean... A permanent hollowness echoed within...
Bright as the eyes of the hermit crabs, looking from their hidden pebbles...
Stretching across the horizon where the clouds dissolved into and united with the salty ocean foam... As light as a drop of dew on the crystal complexion...the ripples patterned themselves like seabirds' motion glade, swooping up herrings for their chicks... where fish see land for the first and last time... the ashes rest on musty twigs powdered, grained staining the nest a grayish bleach... puffs of breeze took the finest... air-borne, where there will come a chance where the 'fish' might once again see its home, no longer its former self.... floating gently down, touching the cooling foam rolls...where narwhals sing their haunting... The horns, a impostor of unicorns waving high...tips up high above the sea... a throng of peaks...proud as the lions, roaring the ocean's chants... charm even the sirens, laying amongst the seagrass... Dugongs roam as sea cows in their territory, flashing their humane forms swooshing through the currents, bringing warmth to the stars below... And i lay back as a star beneath the sea looking up upon the star in the heavenly sky... it glows an eerily red, and i a bluish glow... Where streams of air and water flows for miles between... i lay resting...

What my star says about me...

This is what my friend sent to me in skype(also a Gemini)

XXXXX: 双子座(Gemini) 8.35pm

有很多的朋友，可是'看起来朋友很多，可是知心的没有几个'这句话很深刻的形容了双子。双子很能说话，他跟别人可以天南地北的聊，可以聊得很八卦，也会聊一些很严肃的话题。双子可以跟你聊很多东西，可是注意了，他都只是跟你聊一些不关自己的事。随便他跟你说些什么，可是跟自己有关的都只是些皮毛而已。比如，今天又有某个明星怎样怎样了；隔壁班有多少美女帅哥的。关于自己的事，他几乎是不说的，就算是说，也是说一些关于自己无关痛痒的事。当你想更进一步的了解双子，他会很自然的把话题给扯开。对于自信的双子来说，他又同时很没有安全感，这是双子特有的矛盾。他喜欢把自己重重包围住，不让自己暴露。对于双子来说，如果在一个还不了解的人面前把自己暴露了，就等于让别人抓住了自己的把柄。这样就失去了一定的优势。当双子感到独孤悲伤时，只会一个人躲在房间里哭，或者一个人郁闷着。双子也很怕被伤害，很多时候宁愿自己承受一切，也不愿别人抓住自己的把柄。所以久而久之也就养成了习惯。双子基本上也是个很痛苦的人。表面上总是很有活力，很快乐的样子，可是没人的时候他又总是很忧伤。双子总会被一种莫名的悲伤笼罩。但他不会让别人发现的，他怕被伤害，也怕被别人抛弃，只能自己硬挺着一切。所以双子很神经质，精神脆弱，容易人格分裂，因为承受了太多的东西. 一般来说双子的孩子都很早熟。双子对很多的东西都在乎得要命，可是表面上就是看起来什么都不在乎。双子并不是故意要掩饰自己，上面说了，这只是一种习惯了，可是在外人看来他就成了虚伪的人。双子是被公认的最花心、最冷酷无情的星座。其实对于双子的花心，真的不想再说些什么了。解释得太多，累了，也没耐心了。可是说起双子，就不得不提感情，双子这一生，似乎必须被感情牵伴，跟爱情纠缠一世。很多人说双子并不花心，只是博爱，所以才会有那么好的人缘。忘了在哪里看见了这样的一句话：双子最大的悲哀在于有两个人的思想，却只有一个人的身体，双子有爱自己所爱的人的权利，也有保护彼此所爱的人的义务，双子只剩下一个时，爱也就只剩下义务了。我想用如来若去说的一句话给双子的花心做个总结：花心的极端就是痴心的可怕。该懂的人应该会懂的。至于冷酷无情真的不知道该从何说起。其实双子是最平和的星座，如果可以不发生冲突，都会尽量避免。双子也很少跟别人吵架，他讨厌吵架，如果是因为一些生活琐碎小事吵架，那么双子就在吵完的那一刻就把这件事给忘了；要双子真的跟你翻脸，除非是你的所作所为或所说的话实在让双子不能忍受，这时他会很鄙视得看你一眼，然后头也不回地走掉，甚至会不给你留面子地离开。这时你一辈子也别想再和他和好了，就算有的双子碍于面子和你再成为朋友，但是他们已经对你鄙视到了极点，只不过维持着这一层不得不维持的'朋友'关系其实，很大一部分双子，对待感情是非常专一的，之所以给人留下花心的美名，是因为很少有人能够让略带童心的双子动真感情，不是双子铁石心肠，而是双子个性里面天生有一些忧郁，一些潜在的不自信，只是双子隐藏的深入，可是一旦让双子动了真感情，那么恭喜你了，双子的天真，率直，外加表达能力丰富，一定能让你获得很多快乐。每个双子都有一个故事隐藏在心里，多数是不堪回首的往事，双子是个念旧或者说是喜欢沉浸在回忆中的星座，他（她）的这个故事通常都是因情所困，动了感情而被伤害了的双子是脆弱的，也是坚强的，他（她）可以很快的振作起来，可以当什么事都没有发生，这些都是双子演给世人看的罢了，等到夜深人静的时候，双子内心的伤痛随着血液渗透到全身，他（她）可以一整夜的去回忆之前的点点滴滴，可以一整夜的沉浸在痛苦之中，可以一整夜坐在那里发呆，但是，一旦天亮了，要出去见人了，双子马上就从痛苦中抽身而走，你看到的肯定是一个神采奕奕的双子，这就是双子，拥有双重性格的双子，一个在世人面前乐天，快乐，在孤独夜晚独自伤悲的双子。双子的爱是最永恒的，可以付出一切，有人说我们花心，那时我们没有真正的爱，当双子爱上一个人的时候是痛苦的，因为我们太敏感。假如双子爱上了一个不爱自己的人，那莫我相信他永远都不会再爱了，当爱给过了一个人，他再也没有能力再付出了，其实太多的人都不懂我们，其实连我们自己都不懂自己，我们很会伪装，很会说谎，但我们最细腻，对感情最敏感，双子的爱与悲伤，谁又真的了解！

I wanted to believe it but my heart don't want to... It's too cruel to bang myself in the face of reality... Haha, old emotions are arising... They are taking me to the past........the bitter yet sweet past...All thanks to my friend although i know she didn't mean to open my old scar... Because she doesn't know the existance of my old scar...

Fashion Frenzy?

Our lecturer asked us which page will we flip through when we get hold of a newspaper... Nearly all of my classmates are into the latest fashion and entertainment... Well, i always reach out for the entertainment section too... the next thing is about 'what my star says in that day' then it would be the manga section, foodie talks and the introductory about whatever books which are currently on the shelves... Dad grumbles everytime i pick the pullouts from a complete newspaper. He said i spend too much time on minor stuff and gossips...Haha, maybe that is a feminine nature? But no matter how often i flipped through the papers i don't really like the fashion and cosmetics section...i wonder why... Other girls, i mean typical normal girls love magazines jam-packed with the latest fashion designs, makeups, bling-bling accessories, costume jewelery...etc... Yet, i don't really fancy those stuff...Chick magazines such as CLEO or Seventeen are never in my life...(Because i never bought it)... I feel kind of puzzled too... My taste of passion is totally different from the 'urbanites'... Maybe i'm a kampung type...lolzzz... i've always think that it is a waste of money buying flip-overs with tons of endorsing models and make-uppies... What in that mere few pages? not much to offer i think, because i can't afford those branded products also right? Glimpses of fashion styles displayed on run ways are merely a feast for the eyes, but not our bodies even for a few minutes... Glamorous? Up to trend? Some trends are not even worth following, trust me... Sometimes, an attire may cost huundreds or even burn a good big hole in the pocket, yet it looks like a cheap skate... Others, though aren't off the lines of high reputated designers, look more elegant and expensive... fashionista or not, i feel that the fashion battle is just too much for me to follow... All of us will end up losing out as the next piece of design is surely the newest hot pick of crazy trend followers... Even plastic bags are wearable nowadays.... Gee... That was something that the designers are heading to - 'saving the environment design'...Indeed, it's ironically environmental friendly...Which is a good thing???? Seems like i would never conform to the attire picking habits...Well, anyway i'm very comfortable with it although sometimes i feel like an outcast among feminish friends... Hmmm....
What's the difference between Padinis and LVs?

Life in the Degree...

Life is so hectic these few days.... Assignments, coursework, presentations, tutorial presentations, independent self learning activities are heavier than ever...2 assignments are to be handed in on the 5th of February, and they are heavy stuff with a lot of researching required... Subjects we have to learn this semester are tougher than the previous ones... Philosophy in Education, Human Development, Linguistics, Literature (there is more fun in this though^^)...Phewww... That is what degree is about...We are really in the a pot of boiling water with extreme 'degree Celsius'!!!

Literature...literature...

I enjoyed the literature lessons today... So much of the nostalgic feelings have arisen... gracious, there are so many ironies, seriously there are... So i said to a friend of mine 'look at the apple trees and flowers that are blooming by the roadside but never to the back, as there are sceneries more worth watching than the back'... I'm very sure of that too after seeing so much... Kakaka, kind of dramatic...XD

First Day...

Gee~ i managed to wake up at 6.15am this morning although my alarm clock is no where to be found after all the unpacking... I still have my handphone alarm... Assembly was unusual lengthy as the are more speeches to be delivered... Shock waves were sent to every student as we are required to wear blazers during the assembly starting from next week onwards...Oh my, how are we going to find a good one within such a short period of time...This change should be informed earlier, way before the holidays last year... As stated by the deputy pengarah, second-hand coats are cheap, costing only approximately rm50... As if we would want to wear a second hand ones whereas good ones are available everywhere... I still do not know what to make of this announcement as it is so sudden... Can anyone lend me a coat please for the time-being? Haizzzz..........

My first two lessons went on without us getting the timetable before that... It was language support and linguistics...Miss Kan even distributed three sets of handouts already...there will be a test this thursday..T.T..hard luck... But it's okay, as i like Miss Kan's class... Then i got a wonderful news...I had gotten the first choice in my minor subject - literature...Yeah!!! My prayers were answered, the best thing is Theva got it too... We'll be desk-mates from now onwards...Some are not so fortunate as they get their second choice, i can only say that i'm lucky this time... Results are not out yet, it seems that we'll get it after 1 month...@-@... It's like we are continuing our degree course before the finals' result is out... we even have a second tutor, Madam Jo... Tutorial is, fortunately, no longer arranged on Friday evening...Good for us...

there are a lot of things going on in my mind these few days... It is a sad thing to see my friend suffering, i hope i could help her in every way... I have to do it my way if it takes some form of misunderstanding initially... No more tossing in the bed tonight i hope...Maybe it is the rise of my adrenalin last night, i slept badly...

Getting Adjusted...

After the five weeks' long holidays I am forced to get back to the reality that is soon to start... Whatever beholds me tomorrow - first day of school... I wonder whether assembly will be held. No notice of any sort...Usual system of the institute... I'm going to use another bag, i hate the old one which was given by the institute, looks like an office bag... i wonder whether i could wake up to the early calls of my alarm clock... seriously, i had gotten used to waking up late during the holidays without even consciously hearing my alarm clock which went off at 8.30am daily. I will have to pull myself up at 6am... just looking at the time interval between the time at home and my lecture sessions,i feel quite doubtful about myself... I hope that even if the alarm can't wake me up, my roomie could... i should get my mind out of the comfort zone the latest before i sleep today...

My room had gotten a new look...I spread a new mat on the floor...Roomie helped me spread the old one near the doorway... sort of a red carpet but it is grey in colour... My legs ached from the afternoon walk just now when i went out to get lunch... obviously i didn't walk that far a distance during my holidays... the broadband line is even worse here...many are using it here... thus the line is reduced from a 3G speed to a EDGE speed...The news i'am watching took 30 minutes to load a 2 min brief report... frustrating... i wonder whether the whole episode of the drama i'm catching on youtube will take two days' time to load? i'm almost certain that it is possible...

Far from Home...

I'm back in my institute ALREADY!!! I hate to say it...Others can still spend time at home lazing this whole day...T-T ...I just swept my room... My nose is getting the itch...so much dust is flying around, but i finally wiped all of it off... The mop in the veranda had gone missing... And the most shocking part... The building has been re-painted with an awful combination of colours... yellow and dark brown... the exterior of my room is painted with yellow...bright yellow...it hurts my eyes...hate the colour... The storeroom is not allowed to be opened yet because there are only a few student residents back in the third floor...Great..I cant do any unpacking at all except the ones that I've brought back... My laptop battery is going to die soon without any charger...I left it locked up in the store room too... This is all a not too good starting, but I'm still optimistic about it... 2010, a usual year as any other years that had passed by... a new starting...