The 77th post...

i was thinking of not to blog about anything today...but seeing that the number of posts that i've written this year, i finally convinced myself to write this one last post...i mean for 2009 of course... The number is of good digits too! I want everything bad and unfortunate to get themselves lost in the wind... I do not want them to stay... if there are 76 posts...with the 6 that sounds similar with liu2 in chinese which means to stay on... i don't want those misfortunes to stay on...i want them to be shooed away...hahaha, i sound ridiculous i know...Just the fun of writing something in this post permits me to get through with this lame reason...

Had lots of fun these few days...Outing with friends can never be boring... There are so many things to catch up with... The weird thing is, i had ordered tea O for the first time... Never like it before...but the terengganu taste that is within it cause me to let myself a little off guard... But still, i want to say i dislike that beverage... Going back at the first burst of sunlight tomorrow... Sad to leave my friends behind and the most important ones- parents...
An auntie who was working at the hawker centre asked me "That leaves only both your parents at home right? " when i said i'm starting my new sem soon... yea, that is so true... it's a dreadful feeling that i have to make do with every time i go back to JB...

Tomorrow is a new day...I hope that everything will turn out nicely... I didn't make any new resolutions for next year...i just hope that i can achieve every one of the old resolutions that i have made annually years before... Let my will power guide me... I'm gona ditching all my unluckiness behind... (i hope) ... Tomorrow is a present for me!!!

Happy new year everyone!!!^^

The last of 2009...

I could not believe it, I've been sustaining this blog with life for two years now... I'll continue to do so in the future... Tomorrow will be the last day of 2009... And the last time I'm going to have fun this year - The nonreturnable year... Everything that had passed this year is indeed a mixture of bittersweet events... Everything is quite smooth moving overall... I thank god for the time for this year... Most events are of good aspects... All my friends are done with their exam battles, some have already gone 'missing'...Never mind, at least, i know that they are well and happy... I still do not know my finals' result (this is a bit worrying...) Mum is retiring soon... i hope she could get the optional she wants... Dad as usual display an array of fruits he have gotten from his sweat and effort... Guavas especially... Time with my family is so precious... I have time to spend with my friends... I'm not planning for any drastic changes so far, I'm going to keep my old self... Oh ya, I'm so into David Archuleta's songs...Looking forward to his new ones next year... I had his Christmas carols playing repeatedly on Christmas Day... I think i finally had my very first singer idol (i didn't count Rynn because that was influenced by my friend, lolzzz)... His voice is so sweet.... Next year would be a bustle i think... Degree syllabus is nothing to be fooled around with... There are so many things that i have not done or achieved yet... The future is so uncertain, I'm actually a little nervous...

P/S: The happiest is the good turning in the lives of some of my friends... I wish that the 'she' and the 'he' will last forever with their partners respectively...^^

A Thought...

The holidays is nearing its end... Hanukkah and Christmas celebrations are over (though i celebrate none)... It is going to be 2010 soon... From now onwards there will not be another year with two zeroes laying side by side in the calendar untill the next century - 2100... 2009 is the last with those in the middle of it... Two years have flown passed since i left high school... The only two things i feel remorseful about is the missed opportunity to snap some photos with my teachers... I've promised to visit them during my sem breaks but... little did i know that all my sem breaks coincide with the school holidays... I still had the yearning of going back to school each holiday, but, the teachers will not be there, it is a common sense that all teachers need these off days too... There is always a soft spot left in my heart for my high school... I feel that it isn't as bad as what the others had said it was... Maybe it is the way they see it... Even the principal gets the bad credits...well, every human isn't that perfect anyway, we can't expect him to bear all those burdens and on the other hand satisfy everybody... Maybe, as students, we expect adults to have the credibility of perfecting everything without thinking about how it is done... What procedures it has to go through... To make something smooth running, lots of things have to be taken into consideration such as the cooperative spirit, financial means, response from the higher authorities... I've kind of thought about this after seeing a little more than what i've seen as a high school student... Perhaps it is because childhood is leaving me further and further away... There is a sense of urgency to meet my teachers again... I fear that things will change altogether if i do not fulfill my wanting next year... i hope that i could do it... Maybe most who are my schoolmates will scorn, what's so good about that school anyway...?Well, I just feel that it fits my high school memories perfectly together with its good and bad reputation... Mum said my principal is retiring soon... Though i've got no comments to say about him...he is still the only principal i know in that school... school feels different if another senior teacher is going to be the new principal... Thus, i hope that i can still feel the familar feeling when i manage to return there next year...just to take a stroll... Life after high school doesn't seem as exciting as it was during high school... Maybe it is the way of seeing things... Everything is just a normal item, there is no excitement of discovering something new... Hanging out with friends are all about keeping the spirit of friendship alive and as firm as before, talks about growing up, gossips, and usual stuff (clothes, boys, appearances, changes)...Maybe there isn't anything so special about the world, humans spice it up just for the excitement they need... Sometimes we experience fun and enjoyment, yet in the midst of it, you realise that there is an emptiness in it... So what is the fun about? Childhood dreams are more realistic than what it is in reality... Getting older by the year now... happiness is such a short span creature...

All Those Misses...

The grass is always greener over the other side no matter how ugly it actually is over there... When you see the greneries growing so lushfully there... A step forward makes you realise that you are actually stepping into a bog...lolzzz... You are going to sink more deeper in that goo... no greens at all under there... just some rotten smelling mud and sludge?


Mankind has indeed a lot of dissatisfactions... He envies when others are having a good time, but does it mean that he will have fun too if he is doing the same activity? Well, it always depends on the passion that you have in you, if not it won't be fun at all... All the photos with smiles in it... not all are genuine... Different people experience different level or form of enjoyment or other emotions when doing something as simple as, say, swimming?

Good swimmers perhaps do enjoy a higher level of lively adrenalin... or perhaps, even those who are just soaking around in the pool, splashing and thrashing droplets of water... or the feeling of together-ness which brings everyone into the same state of happiness? What about the leftouts? Lone swimmers? maybe some of them like this form of isolation... To them, this is a blessing to rid the crowd for some privacy...

Then, the onlookers.... lots of perspective will play in their minds.... are they happy...? are some missing out? Thus the ancient method of spreading rumour or exaggeration of a blast... Some turn sour... wow, it is fascinating that onlookers become sour not because it is their business, because they feel left out... thus, the dissatisfactions... Imaginations of how wonderful if they are part of it...

Well, i likened it to the Penang laksa in Penang...Personally, i feel that Terengganu's Penang laksa is way nicer... Weird right? Well, maybe Paris isn't that romantic after all...

it's the self experience that makes it fun, not the photos of other people's memories that make it LOOK fun... So, that's what i'm saying theorotically of my own version of 'the-grass-is-greener-over-the-other-side' of the fence... Well, it's the same...in reality, we step on the same globe called earth... besides the way of living in various water bordered land, i'm sure if we are to stay in one place for a long time it sort of loses its own charms... So the list goes on, we envied the misses that sometimes aren't that extra- ordinary fun... People are a funny sort... this is one of the few ironies they have... which makes them look FORWARD...hahaha...XD

Perfect...

I'm not perfect... please don't criticise my every imperfectness... It's so tiring for me to try to be perfect... The more i try, the more defects i have... I'm so tired...' Am I myself?' i wondered... My self has been lost a long time ago... Can i get some rest? Where is the simple and sweet happiness i used to have... My every word is a torture... Changing is so tiring, though the change does not tire... No praises to my perfect side,but lots of arrows throwing themselves at my scars... Will it ever stop? What's the use of been a model to the others, your own happiness sacrificed... I really need some rest, the benchmark is suffocating me... Nothing is ideal...can you accept me as who i am? Do i not shine my own light now?

Those of the same kin...

Passing by the field, i saw two horses drink at a stream... one white and one brown eagerly lapping the clear bubbly water... Are these from different farms? I thought they were from different farms... Runaway horses? Observing them carefully, i saw different personalities... One was cautious towards its surroundings, the ears twitched... barely did a rustling leaf escapes its sharp hearing... The other was contented with whatever it has in front of it... water... to quench its thirst... i bet that they are distant relatives of the same breed... The same brown eyes... herbivores... etc...
I still feel that they are of the same clan, originated from a faraway woods... I like their manes, curling around their necks... wild as they are, i will not cross their paths... Their eyes are indeed welcoming... i crouched under the oak tree unwilling to leave... It was so hard resisting myself from going forward to embrace them... to touch their necks and rub their noses... Spiritual friendship i'll have with them... 'They are wild' i keep reminding myself... They will never be tame... Thus, going near means the risk of getting stepped on is higher... the wounds will be deadlier... Another black one galloped into sight without me noticing it... I thought i was looking at Black Beauty... It looked fiercer still... it come nearer to graze the greeneries near me... its nose brushed pass my foot... i managed a pat on its nose... though it was approving my presence, i will never ever bring myself to ride on it... Wild horses are dangerous, but they are magnificent creatures to behold in sight... No matter how welcoming they look, i'll surely end up torn apart...

Let it start...

Crimson blooms,
from within the depth of the lake...
it isn't what it seems to be, wind swirls from beneath...

Christmas, the season for everyone...
a white moth flutter down on my desk... its wings beating the table top,
shaking its powdery scales all over...
it isn't snow...

It no longer seemed what it is suppose to be...
let it start,
let the spirit do whatever miracles...

the moth soars so suddenly away...
a misty trail behind it...

Lost...

It is a weird kind of dream... I could never decipher it... Running through the woods as i saw nothing... no trees, no greeneries of any kind... Then suddenly into a mass of thick bushes i went... Ahead of me i saw a blue mountain with a pearl at its peak... It showered a thousand radiant flashes of rays...reflecting the sun beams i guess... I found myself eagerly climbing up a tree (it is a wonder i could climb a tree that high)... a tree towering so high that it is higher than the others... i soared up high...i was so close to the pearl, radiating warmth towards every angle...and yet i still found myself curling up in a ball on the damp forest floor... i could feel the warmth of the pearl, still bidding me... i could only see the glow amongst the canopies of trees everywhere... Where was I? i didn't have this dream for ages... now it is back... I'm kind of used to deja vu nowadays even in dreams, but not so often as i had experience during my childhood days... I feel so lost... Does this dream have any connections to my will of giving up the inspiration i held for such a long time... I am experiencing side effects after giving up something so familiar to me... my drive... I guess i need to find another thing to focus myself back... As for now i'm still feeling very very lost...

Oils... (crapping)

After watching the show, mum told me that in fact coconut oil is much better than olive oil... Men have been using oils for centuries... cooking oils, rejuvenating oils, oilment... The list goes on... Most oils extracted from various natural elements or the synthesized ones are for the benefit of mankind... So in this health conscious century, oils used in culinary are in the top list of the public demands... healthy or not those oil extract, most of us choose what we feel the best for our own needs and of course try to find the healthiest one so as to lengthen our life span? Many claim various oils are essential for the body and amongst them those who want to make a profit out of it... Thus, consumers buy and buy and buy those new products which claimed to be super duper good and certified by various doctors or pharmacists... As usual sales gimmicks are in for play which is the simplest persuasion technique - testimonies... Whether we noticed it or not, we actually consumed various types of oils consciously or the other way round... Some oils turn to fats, into those saturated phospholipids... digested and compressed in the body as cholesterols...unknown...
In fact we don't really care about what is healthy... we can't run away from those... No matter how healthy the food we eat or sickness proned products.. we just managed to lengthen the time our souls exist in the body casing, not immortalised it...
What makes a healthy lifestyle is how we live it and how we experience it emotionally and mentally.. physically less as inevitable as it sound we are inhaling germs and diseases into our bodies...

P/s: i've no idea what i'm crapping...just feel like writing something... and this is the result of that wanting...==!

My Passion...

E-books are hard to read actually... My usually reading speed is reduced whenever i read online... Bloody capillaries start to appear whenever i'm too deeply absorbed into the story which result in a fully blow of scolding from my mum... I guess i had to forgo the online reading habit for sometime... So now i'm reverting back to the older form of reading materials...books... Okay, i've started revising my Enid Blyton series lest more dust are gathered in between the pages... My fond memories of them are back...I'm quite contented with it...

I found out that i'm still into the drawing mood this holidays... The drawing is half finished... I'm so glad about it, it has been a long time since i draw what i really love...^^
My passion for sports is about to be satisfy after my friends finished their stpm... Yearned for the great outdoors...

The monsoon season is about to end... It also indicates that 2009 is ending soon too... I hope for a fresh beginning next year! At the meantime, i'm trying to find a four leaf clover while helping out in the garden every evening...Life is great! little buds are starting to grow too... New life spring up!!! love the miracle...^^

My Way of Comforting Myself - Archie's song

When I'm down...This is the song i love listening to now...I am actually addicted to it...Better late than never though i came across it only recently this year... I'm looking forward to the future...It is going to be brighter than ever...^^ I going to create my brightest star...

I'm stronger now...

David Archuleta - Waiting for Yesterday

You and me, all alone girl

What's going on?

Will you tell me what's wrong?

It's like you're locked up in your own world.

Oh, with nothin' to say.

You keep me guessing, but I see in your eyes.

He made you promises, but gave you lies.

You're shutting down

Because you're so sure,

That I'll be another mistake.

I know that he left you in pieces.

You know that I won't be that way.

I'm not gonna treat you like he did.

Oh, Whatever it takes.

You think history is repeated.

You keep on wishing me away.

Oh, but nothing's gonna change.

Waiting for yesterday.

Is it worth it any longer?

So scared of falling again.

Yesterday can make it stronger.

So why do you feel alone?

You know I love you better than he ever did.

And this could be, all you ever needed.

Hold onto me and just remember.

Oh, no. Never let go!

I know that he left you in pieces.

You know that I won't be that way.

I'm not gonna treat you like he did.

Oh, Whatever it takes.

You think history is repeated.

You keep on wishing me away.

Oh, but nothing's gonna change.

Waiting for yesterday.

I'm the one for you tonight.

I'm the one for you forever.

If it takes a little time,

Whatever it takes, whatever it takes.

I'm the one for you tonight,

I'm the one for you forever.

If it takes a little time. (Whatever it takes, whatever it takes).

I know that he left you in pieces.

You know that I won't be that way.

I'm not gonna treat you like he did.

Oh, Whatever it takes.

You think history is repeated.

You keep on wishing me away.

Oh, but nothing's gonna change.

Waiting for yesterday.

I know that he left you in pieces.

You know that I won't be that way.

I'm not gonna treat you like he did.

Oh, Whatever it takes.

You think history is repeated.

You keep on wishing me away.

Oh, but nothing's gonna change.

Waiting for yesterday.

******************************************************

I got what i craved for tonight - salted fish and budu with white rice of course... A simple yet heart-warming meal... Every morsel contains the soul of my home... Penang has ambigual scenes...

For the past one week, my trip to the island was moderately enjoyable... The laksa penang was a disappointment but i give my thumbs up for the cendol and ju cong fan (can't really translate it in English)... Some Penangites are ill mannered, causing my mum to have a bad impression on the present Penang though it was way developed now... Though intellectuality are higher, but values are experiencing the lower tides... Looking at the way they 'manoeuvre' along the streets in their iron castings and engines which they themselves are vulnerable to...

Nevermind all that... Anyway i'm safely back in my hometown, missed the chance to meet dear Nee, she went back to UM already... It is a long time since i saw her...chatting on the net doesn't count...I do not meet her face - to - face ever since we graduated from high school... that was two years perhaps? yea, that was it... Hope to meet her during the chinese new year...We always arrange to meet up but it never work out, i'm so curious why it has turn out so...

Anyway, colours back in me... My life is colourful enough....

Oooh, and i still love blue colour...^^

Unexpected...

I thought my wounds are a little less than a mark under the dried up skin...
But...
Why is it re-opening again?
I don't need it, i loathe it now, but it spits blood again...
Please don't re-enter my life...

Yet, i let it enter...
a little closer to the bones now...
when i let it in, it was a mere brush of a light feather
tickling my scars, salting them again...
i don't want to notice it, yet it screamed at me...
What's the problem with me...
I promise to forget...
Each and every memory of it...

It, i guess would always be a part of me, a habit...
A youngish mistake...

Now i wouldn't want any other to form a habit in me,
don't want to go through again...

Who can help me? I don't want that piece of memory...
i wish i can erase it just like from a microchip,
no.....
microchip can be burnt, but not this...