Awkwardness...

Cooking is fun when we are in the kitchen with friends and some other people whom we feel comfortable with.. Awkwardness comes when people who do not feel awkward about publicizing their, ermmm, certain actions come in... Though they acknowledge our existence there, and are actually quite friendly, but, ermmm, made me feel very awkward... I've just realised that I'm using so many 'awkwards' in my first two sentences so you might guess how uneasy i was at that time...
A couple i assumed were being a little to intimate openly to an outsider, i know they do not feel awkward but i do actually, with all the squeals they made and kissing and being touchy touchy... i didn't know what to do actually except to stare at my half - cooked vegetables in the pan wishing hard that they are cooked at that moment... I know the girl, we smiled often to each other... but this was the first time i've ever seen her partner... he is kind of friendly offering the filtering net as i was draining water from my noodles... but, i feel a lump in my throat as he was constantly acting so intimately... it's not the silent type of lovey dovey hugging and kissing, but the sensual type..i do not know how to describe it anymore and i do not want to as this post would become an adult content post....

But the situation was disturbing... very disturbing... that is why i have to write this post... the awkwardness actually made me feel like laughing out loud (I always feel like laughing when i'm in an uneasy situation, a weird habit of mine actually)... Thank god theva was there, i could control myself from standing there like a statue trying to block out whatever they were doing or the sounds they are making just beside me... I couldn't concentrate on my cooking.... Theva keep me busy by having conversations now and then... She feels awkward too... We were stuck there, staring at each others food on the stove... and staring blankly at each other... starting a conversation was also hard as the couple was loud... uhuh... I will surely take my half -cooked food back to my floor to continue cooking there if ever those two come in to do their meals.... i couldn't bear the conditions which makes the kitchen stiffen... My top two reasons of avoidance...firstly, not wanting to embarrass myself by laughing out and secondly, offending them as they really do no harm... just that, it was very disturbing indeed... other than that, cooking is still fun...lolzzz..

Have been cravings for this...i took it from where i shouted for my cravings for it in facebook to my post now.... My grandma used to make it when i was young... After she passed away, my dear cousin inherit the skill of doing it from her... The last time i've tasted it was when i was doing my foundations level... My cousin did it out of fun as she loves cooking... But now i think her hands are too full from taking care of her new born and her elder child...  I'll try doing it one day... I must definitely learn it from her....^^

The Swing....

My lungs expand and shrink as inhalation and exhalation took place... I wish I could see wasps of vapours coming out from my mouth but couldn't.... It is one good day, with a nice weather...with beetles crawling around the roots of the tree... Massive burst of life in the micronesia... the swing, it was still there... with  the cheery blossom wood suspended between two tendrils of the wildest gigantic orchid plant... I throw myself on it... it feels nice though soft tufts of moss had begin to carpet it... A perfect cushion... soft and comforting... with a little dampness sprinkling all over my skirt... I lift my feet into the air... the swing moved... rocking me gently to the ringing of bluebells across the fields where the wind plays hide and seek... Higher and higher.. i go... my face brushed by pale yellow leaves... the smell of them, freshness within... them smelled of greenery, vast greenish scent... I saw among  a few bare twigs... the glaring shine upon the bluish mountain... far ahead... across thirty rivers and streams... it shivers and glimmers under the scorching sun.... down i go again... the butterflies flutter beneath me... i couldn't get down for the fear of damaging their fragile fairy wings... i go further down... toadstools underneath bursting with pockets of spores... the fallen leaves... covering the solid ground so deep i dare not step down for the fear of falling through the heap of leaves... hundred metres high..piled on the solid ground..deep deep below... I continue swinging... the moss seem to grow wider... it's forming a cushion sofa... in which my body fits... as it couldn't grow on me... it grew around me... i continue swinging, goodness knows how long I'll be swinging... till spring comes and the leaves break down into humus, and the grow re-surface with countless seeds of the next generation of plant life....

It is not a haunting...

I'm trying to think about a topic to write in my post, but i seem to be at lost about what I'm going to write... So this one will be a totally random one...
Nights walking on the streets... I love walking along the walkways at night.. No many will be up and around except on Saturdays when quite a number of them go clubbing... I love walking on the roads with the companion of the wind... silently whispering its presence... Sometimes it rains, rain drops tinier than the end of a needle... it looks like dust flying down from the sky...I wish they were snow... They dropped on my shoulders, on my windbreaker sweater... one drop is not enough to wet the spot it settled on... it settles so ever lightly... traffic lights at the junctions are almost deserted at around 8pm... not many vehicles are on the road at that time... the night looks darker during the winter as if it was 10 pm as the sun settles earlier every evening... The dim light at  Grafton Bridge, promise a hint of security... A place beside it looks sorrowfully beautiful, with red dripping leaves hanging from its trunk, looking over the last resting place of souls, like a guardian... there are many of these guardians... It is not about spooky incidents, it looks like a memorial site, sleeping so quietly beside the road with the bridge over looking it... There are no fears, no trauma, no terrifying feelings... No bats, no spooks, no black crows to remind about scary stuff... It just stay put at where it was, lullabying the resting residents within the soil... I remembered the first week of orientation, i had participated in a scavenger hunt organised by my residence hall... One of the task that was assigned from us was to find the tombstone with a person's name carved on it in the little place where Grafton bridge overlooks... It was pretty cool as it doesn't look mournful at all... but, i was sorry for it on that day, as there are so many of us making stampedes on its grounds... Hmm, i wonder why there is always a cemetery nearby the place i am at... Maybe it was to remind me that being alive is good, but death is not that scary when you are going to meet it many years from now... The end is not always bad... When you have faith in god that everything would be alright, death is not scary... But I'm also constantly being reminded that being alive means more chances of doing good, throwing one's life away because of a small obstacle is not a way to escape from it... it'll haunt you even when you are dead... Death comes naturally.. when the time is up it'll come, we do not need to rush ourselves towards it... Cherish our lives, cherish our souls.... make use of our precious souls to help others from sufferings is the best ever way to brighten the world...^^

Pancake making...

Kitty and I made pancakes today... I wasn't really into doughs and flour food, but i gave it a try... It was fun... I couldn't upload the photos yet because all those are in her camera... Thanks to her, i have with me now a slight interest in dough-baked goodies... I was a little clumsy though in shaping the pancakes but they turn out just fine... We gobble them up in no time, it's a pity that i have only 2 eggs to spare for the pancakes, if it wasn't for that, we could have make at least a dozen of those and share around... I'm looking forward to the next session of frying or baking something which is made from dough... Something like onion fritters or other types of fritters....  Though the oil-over - fire is still quite scary sometimes, i've been handling it well since i started cooking here... not bad for a newbie, at least i know that i wouldn starve to death next time when i live apart from home... but mum's cooking is always the best... miss her dishes and soups so much...

A Great Day...

Snugged under my blanket...
I woke up quite late today...lazing in my bed with no urge to get up...
the corridor was silent except an occasional clatter of plates and the closing of room doors coming from the kitchen nearby and my floor mates whom i assumed had finished their exams...
It was still cold today but not as cold as the previous few days...
the whole floor is a sleepy hollow...
sometimes i feel like isolating myself...
it's great to be with myself...
doing all the things that I have wanted to do...
thinking back and reflecting what i have done...
There is a great deals of things that i have wanted to do in my life, some must be with friends...
sharing the joy and fun of togetherness...
some must be done alone...
the advantage to reflect on my own self...
I've always reflected on myself nowadays...
It's a routine now...
as times pass by, it helps growth...
I like the life here...
it helps personal growth and independence...
Seems that now the time has come for me to grow up...

Smack in the face reality...

You shouldn't have chatted with me...
I miss you badly now...
i hate that feeling, because it may mean that,
I'll hurt myself again...
I'm always am doing this...
that's how I am...
falling over minor stuff that aren't even certain...
Maybe that's illusion... I'm just coaxing myself...
maybe you're not waiting for me...
come to think about it...maybe you did it for her...
not because you are curious, just because you are reminded to...

I'm wondering whether humans can be free of such feelings...
If we can be liberationalized from these i prefer to have none of this...
It's horrible...
Life would be so much easier and simpler....
I'll never really get what i really wanted...
that's me...
it's always beyond reach,
and i scarred my self to get it...
ending up bleeding profusely...
licking my own sores...
picking myself up, delusioning myself again and again...
I'm screaming here, but you will never be here...
cause you never know there is a here...

Lovely Dawn....

Actually, it wasn't lovely untill your message popped out saying "Hi"
It was a freezing night... nothing much to do except flipping through webpages...
and you came...
It was nice...
i couldn't really tell how excited i got when u're making an effort to contact me...
I thought that it's fading away silently...
that feeling...
and i will, cross oceans once again...
to find a stranger's smile...
we'll never be as close again...
 but that night, on that particular night a few days ago...
you reminded me of how i felt about you...
maybe it is just a friendly gesture,
but it ignites the amber that is turning cold...
i hope it would continue sparkling, as i no longer have the drive to keep things up for long,
as i feel that nothing is permanent except to move along...

winter would be long this time... will you be that long too?
it's a draggy one out there...
my soul can no longer bear the weight of waiting so silently....so ever silently... as the old cracks are so hauntingly crumbling, not because of old cracks, but the presence of new roots taking over... and i hope these new roots wouldn't break it further...

Winter...

Winter is here... It's chilly yet assuring... that the best moments will come with the feathers that had freezed in the lake... Like a mirror of reflection, the feather a frozen ripple... My steps taken forward by the swirls of ice cold kisses from the wind... What i've felt during this winter...it is great to look forward to what that has been prepared in the front, in the next upcoming season... My heart waits unsurely for something that could give it joy.... A soothing pat of peace and calmness... 

 It doesn't really feel like winter here as there is no snow...no white coated roads... no frozen tufts on the ground... it's just the wind that blows of winter reminding us of its arrival... the leaves shaken and fallen... Bare trunks and twigs seen... that's all that tells us the story of the winter... other than that, it feels good to walk in the park on a day during winter....

Twisted minds...

Just because i brushed my teeth at 4am doesn't mean that i'm wasted or anything... Hey, I've my values and principles which makes me different from your culture... If someone brushes their teeth at 4am in the morning there will be two different interpretations.
The one in Malaysia would be: 'must have been up to burn the midnight oil for her assignments, that's why la, last minute work...'
The one in Huia would be: 'She must be out hooking up with someone, went to some party and come back puffy eyed, but hmmm, i wonder why she isn't drunk...can't really judge a person by her innocent face...'
Every abnormal habit would be given a twisted interpretation... What great minds they have....
Every single thing we do must be related to the topic that i would not mention here... Can't they believe what they have just saw is that simple without any ambiguities?
Well, life is full of ambiguities, but this is just a little way too overboard....

Searching around...

A red leaf with autumn's last raindrop...
It's hard to find...
Amongst the growing pile of yellowish ones,
I came across on my way to the library...

the scent of the breeze, carries a frosty perfume...
it's getting chilly now...
I heard someone shouted:
"It's the dawn of winter!"