Clowns...

Many a time, people like to compare those who could not express their true feelings to clowns... They said that those clowns bring laughter to the others while coping with their true feelings within which are unknown... Maybe they are the most obvious ones to compare to...
Many a time we are clowns too... We crack jokes to break the awkward silence even though we do not feel like doing it... We put smiles on to entertain our clients or customers (for those who are working)... We try not to be too whelmed with happiness in our success as the one next to us is crying... We often contain ourselves as we are always in the most complicated situations... Any wrong customary expressions bring about chilling glares and astonished looks... That turns us the center of attention... That is when we realised that the atmosphere at the moment becomes uncannily uncomfortable, thus prompting us to re-collect our feelings... Emotional Quotient thus become our sole aim to which we are striving to to become socially competent people... We always put the feelings of others at the first change of scenes... We clown around with our feelings... abusing them till they are under our complete control... Till then we become expressionless... We thought we have mastered the skills of showing the appropriate feelings and thus jumped with joy... However, a new trend is on the rise... Praises made at a proper time may turned "you sound cynical"... Or worse, being labelled as the 'sugared mouth'.... From there the cycle goes on till one day you decided not to show any positive or negative expressions... So the best thing that you will hear isn't "congratulations, you have master the art of being sociable" but "I think you should go and undergo a laughter therapy... You need some twinkle in your humour..." That was when you will feel like a clown who is eager to please but not being pleased...

Morning...

After weeks of hibernation at home, I pestered mum to bring me along to the morning market in Chinese Street (some called it Little Chinatown in my state)... It has been a long time since I drop by the town at such early hours... Roads were filled with the hustle and bustle of cars... There has been a steady increase in cars and other vehicles here which breaks the dulll pace in the streets...
It was cloudy but bright enough not to give the morning a gloomy shadow... Rows of old wooden houses with their ancient designs are still there, at least along that street... Those houses further down did not survive as they were demolished to give way to newer developments... A pity that those are now mere memories... The swiftlets though are still abundant in the air sweeping up and down to take a good look at what the crowd of two-legged were doing...Most people were out standing in front of their houses...There will be a competition to choose the best decorated shop house in the street...Everyone is plannning hard to become the most outstanding one...
The festive season is around the corner... I got infatuated by the excitement too... Let's hope that it is a nice one this year...^^

The Wind...

I was at my table when the wind blew so strongly into the living room... The weather today fitted nicely...It breezy with occasional showers to cool the earth... The door kept swinging open, slapping the walls behind... Those gusts of wind and breeze blew all over the room, brought the rain - stained mossy smell of the earth into the house... Everything was so delightful as the homey feeling lingered around...
Dad switched on the television that time... Just in time for the news... I lifted my head to a news coverage about a family dispute over the heredity rights and parts of the wealth owned by the ailing billionaire gambler... The elder must have regretted taking in 4 wives... I feel that he does not have much loyalty towards his family, that is why they are only 'loyal' to his treasures... What a family... Even the news caster commented that it looked like a family dispute which is re-shoot directly out from a tv drama, but now it is a real thing happening in reality... I guess movie directors and drama script writers have predicted correctly about what will become of all kinds of people even before all these dramatic scenes happened in real life...
The wind blew in again... This time it was so strong that it had swept up a piece of paper laying on the table nearby and flung it straight at the face of that particular elder who appeared on the screen in time to be given a virtual smack at the exact moment...
Looks like even the wind was jeering "Serves you right old man, no mercy for you!" I just could help but wonder, maybe winds think too...

Pomegranates...

Mum brought home pomegranates the other day... It has been a long time since i have tasted this fruit... opening it is like opening a treasure chest filled with tiny studs of ruby-like juicy sacs... Each harden sac shades from the reddish sparkle of the red wine to a translucent creamy milk colour... Embedded in the center of each 'ruby' is a new life for its kind... I use to leave most of those untouched because of the limitation in time, though they are sweet and nice to eat, it takes a long time and a little skill of the tongue to separate the flesh from the brownish seed, so small that it could easily be swallowed by accident (which may cause complications in the bowels)... As I was not in a hurry just now, i finished the whole fruit which has been satisfying for only a moment as shock creeps into me when i look into the face of the old clock... I took 1 hour to finish chewing the flesh and spitting out those almond shaped seeds... This is the first time i tasted success in finishing a fruit... The effort that has been given is certainly something that should never be done when my hands are full (i certainly would not have so much time to spare again as my semester will start soon)... though petty to consume, i could not help wondering about the cost of each of these fruits...They are not cheap to come by although they are tiresome to eat.... Mum said she had bought it so that i could get to know this curiosity of a fruit... This time she bought it out of nostalgia to re-introduce this fruit to me... I presume that she does not want me to forget the taste and appearance of it... Mum used to say that children nowadays missed lots of chances to taste unusual fruits which are abundant in the traditional markets for two reasons: they are picky in the type of food they eat (prefer only fast and tasty instant food or the more common type such as apples usually seen in supermarkets); they never get their slippers or shoes dirty by stepping into wet markets (this is pretty certain as most wake up long after the sun rises)... It is a good thing mum always brought home many fruits whether it grows locally or somewhere exotic... i am a fortunate one to taste such a wide variety of food (it is always food which inspire me) =D

Carefreely...

Such days are ending soon... The path laid eagerly for me to walk it... It would be something like a fairy tale, an adventure, a quest or something beyond imagination?

Perceptions...

This is something worth sharing I guess... A couple of days ago, a coincidental meeting with a senior occured... Well, for me it was quite nerve - wracking as we do not really agree on terms as our perspectives towards life are totally different...It wasn't bad as in a cat and dog fight... but we did argue quite a lot as far as I remembered when we were waiting at the canteen for our transport to arrive after school... That was years back and i doubt that he would remembered those days... It was actually quite interesting and funny as well now that i have come to think about it...

I was expecting another long argument on some form of topics although we haven't seen each other for a long time, and sure enough he began to engage in one almost immediately... It started off with the usual 'Hi's and 'How are you?' greetings and to catch up with recent living conditions... Then he proceed to say all of you should get yourselves moving and working to look more attractive so that you can grab a billionaire's heart or at least a billionaire's son...(I was present with my besties at that moment)...My mind was shouting "what sort of mentality have you being developing all these years" I sensed that something more provoking was coming after that... He 'advised' us to get ourselves enrolled in popular and glamorous universities where the rich study... Saying that girls are usually luckier as they could just move up the status ladder without lifting a finger as having a rich boyfriend is what they must target to realise that... So, he advised us to do the same... Such mentality he had... He had actually attended one of these so called 'gold miner's university' earning himself a degree...(He is a richie too by the way) He said girls there who knows how to makeup and dress up got themselves really good rich boyfriends who spend a lot for their sake (LV original bags, branded stuff) and endless flow of money...It seems that girls do get lots of money from their partners who just handed over to them nonchalantly... Well, all his talking was certainly degrading and pride scorning as my besties and I are certainly proud to be females who 100% do not live up to his expectations... We have our own visions and goals which we are thankfully working hard to achieve... We are not those stereotypical shopoholic type or the 'dumb blondies' type who live lavishly by depending on their boyfriends... Hello, we are in the 21st century now (as said by most even in the movies)... We have our prides too as females of the modern era... and in fact we have even gotten the rights to almost every opportunity to develop ourselves in life (especially academically and job wise) and are still fighting against all forms of discriminations towards our kind... Although women may have their guy partners but it does not mean that our life and death depends entirely on men... We could work, feed and fend ourselves very well even without help from the dominant group... Sorry to say that, this sort of mentality is what that cause the occurance of glass ceiling and glass escalator to continue... it is a form of insult to us that females have to depend on men to gain financial stability... Even Julian Gillard held the post as the current president of Australia... To us, the limit of success is only the sky (no, we even have female astronauts, pilots and air force members in the air)...

There was another point that he had proudly pointed out...He had done some research for his company and the results turn out to be women who have just graduated have higher market value thus most companies do not really want to hire them as their salaries are expensive... I responded "Does that mean that most young women are unemployed?".. He said yea... I doubt it... But the words might be true..Maybe they are unemployed but i think for a reason slightly different from what he had proposed, it all boils down to the glass ceiling issue and not because of their high salary employment rate or their capabilities.... This is a silent form of discrimination that is still growing in the society... Human perceptions are set by humans themselves, thus it is not a thing to be afraid of... Roosevelt had done so a long time ago, and the spirit continues to break the misperceptions...

Maybe the timing is not right...

Why should everything happen without an appropriate timing?? Well, that is a reason for us to be looking forward to... As the timing isn't right just yet... Monsoon comes when there is just soon much washing to do... That is when we start to miss the sunny days... When it gets to sunny and dry, we yearned for some short showers of blessing from the sky... That makes us looking forward for what that would be installed for us tomorrow...

Dreamily...

It is still raining without a hint of halting... The day passed in a dreamy like scene... Too much water is down in the garden creating large pond like puddles which is still expanding even now, threatening to drown the plants there... The air is chilly causing icey bites all over the skin... It sucks heat off leaving a layer of iced vapour suspended over the surface, hovering... I came across a short yet sweet description of the rain when it pattered on my windows... "tiny splashes of raindrops chasing each other down the window panels leaving a sliver of trail behind"... It is amazing how the author describes the natural phenomena... Another day had slipped pass... It is filled with calmness and contentment... How much more time could I remain in this dream?

Looking at the Clouds...

The wind in my backyard wasn't as cold as those which blow elsewhere... It is cold when you feel it but usually it is accompanied by a puff of warmth which warms the inner self... Cold and warm at the same time... The windy feeling is unique only to my backyard... Faded scent of flowers floated in from a neighbouring nursery... It was always there, but is seasonal... It depends on the buds which bloom in abundance during that period or the other.... But they are similar in terms of mildness... It was always just right even for a person who dislike flower fragrance very much (especially those from the florist)... The artificial and overly done fragrance is not to my liking... it smell fake... and of course you can guess by now tat i hate perfumes too... The wind bring some other calmness too, like the clouds which hang above sailing across the light blue sky... Soft and puffy... I love sitting in the backyard for hours doing nothing but stare at the bubbly wools twirling in the broad daylight... It is a feeling of contentment... The feeling of home...

Layers...

I have thought about the word 'layers'.... It plays multiple roles in our lives ever since we are born... Even before we are born we are surrounded by layers of protection such as the thin amnionmembrane, amniotic fluid the list goes on... Even wonder why even though we are not physically wrapped in layers after we are born, we are mentally wrapping ourselves in it? That is why half of us do not know who ourselves really are. and what we really want... We conceal it without realising it until the time when we had unexpectedly exerted those qualities...It was when we are taken aback by it do we question ourselves..Did we really just did that? So mankind in some situations do do some unexpected decisions, choices or even actions... It is only a matter of time before we actually caught ourselves doing something that might not have crossed our minds before...

Expanding specific qualities such as the experties in certain talents and personal gifts is the way to uncover the layer of the unexpected, to test the endurance of one self in challenging the limits and breaking the records of mastering these qualities... This runs parrallel to a simple physical act of digging into the soil, you may realised that as you dig deeper into the earth, it exhibits different coloured soil where there might be plenty of minerals at the top which is usually rich in humus (such as those in my garden) or a reddish brown tone which looks a bit like clay where the soil is not fertile... You will come across ants which are a common sight, wriggly earthworms, black beatles, hairy mite like insects and occasional fat white grubs curl up and waiting for the time to come when they are able to metamorphose intp some unknown insects... It is interesting to uncover those layers of soil finding to the delight of some (like me) different forms of living creatures manifesting in it... Thus, the act of getting to know one self deeper is exciting but sometimes inevitable events are also dicovered as well... The more devious quaalities could also be discovered accidentally... What are we to do about that? We control it by disciplining ourselves, cautiously without letting the weak point get the better of us... there comes the usefulness of layering.... We put a layer on it, covering it up, leaving a lump at the top as a warning of never to trigger it again... But as humans, we may sometimes dig it up as the result of negligence and recklessness or even when a sudden emotional change... It means we take for granted of it...Thus the layering and unlayering process which goes on in a cycle...

Sometimes we choose to add more layering to something that we choose not to uncover but to bury it deeper...It may be due to the various reasons in life - for courtesy sake, exertion of personality, not to hurt but to protect, to hide, to forget and to give others the best of impressions...People add more layers than uncovering layers in most of their lifetime... as thoughts become plentiful and more complicated... Extra layering always occurs...the higher the social status is, the more layering they will put to cover the already existing layers... Thus, people suffocate themselves by putting too much layers over themselves... They even got lost in it... Those layering may helped certain creatures such as the caterpillar which goes through metamorphosis and turn into a dear butterfly, however, people stay the same except more wrinkles added towards twilight... All i could say important figures have so much of layering that they could never dig further to see the inside of them as they are busy adding more layers... a mistaken layering may need ten or more layerings thus, there is no them for them to look into themselves...
Of all the important things in the world, we need to unlayer the layers carefully and also ad them carefully to prevent the lost of the original self...

A Simple Glow...

It glows all the time...
a little flicker in the snow...
it drips hope and happiness...
those who touch it feel the warmth...

I love touching it...
but it is slippery...
like water which slithers and slides without a definite shape...
then, without you realising it,
it slipped from the palm...
a twinkle suspended for a moment in the air...
breaks into many tiny diamonds among the grass...
it creates a smell like those which i have smelled when rain drops fall...
clean and refreshing...
the taste of freedom...
as i could imagine...
a tiny figure running so freely in the wide meadows...
without sorrows and worries...
so freely...
like a little bunny...
twitching its nose excitedly...
looking at the endless greens which stretched into the horizons....

A New Year...2011

A brand new year has come... I will be come stronger... I have lost some hopes...but i will strive to get these back... I will do my very best to look forward into the future that has bestowed the unknown adventure, that will be offering all the chances to improve myself...