Last Day of 2010...

It's new year's eve today... There are a few more hours before the clock strucks twelve... Looking back at everything that happened this year no matter whether it is bad or good, i am thankful that i have learn more things... My perspectives are widen... There is now more to my mind and I'm still eager to get more of these, the experiences, the lessons, the adventures and the changes which trigger growth physically, mentally or emotionally...
Looking as the time passes by, I hope that everything will go well in the new year... the unknown road is yet to be explored... I hope that my studies will be good, my family will be healthy, I will have an interesting life over at the new place... I hope everything went well... Happy New Year Everyone!!!!^^

Rain...

Drops of water sprinkle from the sky... The surrounding temperature was colder than usual... Cars zoomed by mine... The puddles on the road was bundled up by their moving tyres... sprinkling what seemed like normal water... Then, i saw these hovered in the air forming mist of some sort... It looked exactly like the breathes coming out from mouths when they exhale during the winter...A ridiculous question suddenly cross my mind... Will snow drop in my country one day? it is extremely cool nowadays during the monsoon seasons...

The Limited Patience...

I don't care who you are or what you are... I'm just blogging in my own little space... I do not monetized my blog because i do not want it to be popular or increase the traffic in my blog... I'm having this blog just to write my stuff and to update my friends about my thoughts, recent activities and feelings... If you want to give good comments or critics just go on but writing unneccessary comments are just useless and irritating... I do not care whether u wana walk by, or drop by my blog, but u do not need to announce your presence everytime as i do not even know you... I don't care whether u walked through my blog or not!!! I don't need crappy comments and stupid messages... If u really wana increase your traffic go somewhere else not in my blog... I welcome you to read but please stop your stupid action... I do not care...I've been patient with you for quite a long time, and I'm PISSED OFF!!! get out of my blog!!!! Unless you do not know how to read English... Seriously, go brush it up... i think i've made myself very clear!!!! though i do admit my english is not that good also, but i think u should have known some simple instructions!!! A truly good blogger would have respected the wishes of other bloggers... no matter how popular u are or how good the traffic is in your blog, I REALLY DO NOT CARE!!!

Shadow People...

Shadow People - the title of the book that i had set my hands on for two days... It is good to get hold of such a good piece of narration...It talks about frustrations that teenagers faced before, now and also the future... These pressures will always be the same... Loose ties among family members... Raging hormones in teenagers usually make them think with their emotions and not their minds... Thus, they channel their agony negative... The wildness, the evil instinct to be evil to the others... The feeling that the whole world had turned their backs against him/her... The feeling of hurting and blaming others as the cause of their unspoken and suppressed rages... The writer shows how easily it is for those who have evil intentions to make use of these vulnerable teenagers to heed to their orders... The narration had also artfully describe the evil comes in many forms and disguises... Some may looked good be they are the diabolical ones, the masterminds behind the deviance shown... Apparently, angelic doesn't make one an angel... A bulls eye shot towards the unjust views of the society... This is so obvious at the end of the story as the mastermind is to serve his sentence under the juvenile category and everyone had thought that it is a pity that 'the poor boy who is a genius and a soon to be M.I.T freshman had just the worse luck to mix with the wrong group'... The others were charged for manslaughter and threats towards the security of the society where they were given harsher punishements... Those include an ex-rehab drop out who had gotten the worst penalty of all... The truth of the manslaughter attempt was actually not him although he was the one holding the gun... His conscience got better of him as he hesitates to pull the trigger... The mastermind whose heart was as cold as stone had actually made the shot by pressing the poor boy's hands so that the bullet would kill the sole witness of their deeds... Someone who looked so innocent had a heart as violent as the raging storms in Siberian Seas... no feeling of remorse filled him as he knew that he would soon be free to continue his job through the recruiting of upset and frustrated kids through the cyber world to do his dirty work... However there is a better side at the end, the others had realised their misdeeds and had gotten support from their famillies...This lesson had taught them to grow towards the rightful path in life... All frustrations can be slved through a better way if only they had open up to the people around them...

The Teddy...

She paced with her teddy... trotting down the scotching tar road, bare footed... up the road, nervous glances exchanged... footsteps were heard scrambling and hurrying away... leaving dusty specks of clouds suspended in the air... She hugged her teddy tighter, afraid that the wind might snatch it away from her very arms... For quite a long time, she had been treated this way by those who live up the streets... No longer did she bother about what others have to say about her... What she had gone through, they do not know exactly what is it or when it happened... She had forgotten when those neighbours started the way they are treating her now... She still loves the wind which smelled of fur coming from nearby farms where cows are reared in abundance for the sole purpose of commercial trade... Her spirits were still high... The rough grounds had burnt her toes numb, it felt like cold marble stone under her soles where blisters were starting to creep out... She had been taking short walks now and then, trying to leave the agony out and still holding on to the last ounce of hope towards the faith that owed her something that was so precious... The puffy teddy bear in her arms is the bearer of all the faith that she had left with her now... The sneering and terrified glances could only be melted out by the comfort of her soft toy... Only the teddy knows all her misery, tears and the long gones... The precious teddy must not be snatched away as it is the only thing which made her still clinging to her life in this world...

P/s: that is what i have been seeing in a teen who (i do not know since when) pace up and down the road dreamily on burning afternoons... Dad said that since a couple of years ago after i left for college, this same girl had started making appearances, walking pass the street in front of my house... Dad said something or someone might have been the cause of her being so not in her right mind... I feel a sense of sympathy towards her... I hope that she could one day wake up from her depression, and see a bright and wonderful life which lays so ever ready in front of her if only she could see...

People holding teddy bears should be filled with happiness not sorrows and mourns...

The Child in Me...

I have longed to go somewhere where i could release the child in me... It has been a long time since I feel like a kid again... My parents brought me to Genting Highlands... Okay, i know it is lame, but seriously, i have never been there before... I liked the outdoor theme park, but couldn't play many of the attractions because of due consideration towards my parents...They couldn't take too much of the excitement... So, i make do with two moderately exciting ones and a leisurely one...I'll definitely find a chance to go again, this time with friends who could really go crazy with... This does not mean that i did not enjoy this trip with my parents, i love it because it is my latest family holiday trip after such a long time... The air is chilly all the time... Thank goodness mum brought along 3 warm clothing... My parents said this experience would be a good short practice for me to adapt to cooler climate next year... It is indeed fun with parents too as they are quite sporting...^^

Hope...

Hope - it is the driven that could spin wonderful happiness and energy among all... Yet, could be crashed because of the unresponsive result.. Is every single item yearned for, shattered so easily in a nick of time... Nothing left to be said upon sight only hollow frames where pictures should be, laid crooked on the worn out folds of the wallpaper... are we so easily deceived by false hope? How is it so that waiting patiently and without any grumble do not do any good... should it continue till at last the corn hardens and there is no choice but to choose the choice?

I came across a nice quirky verse...
"It couldn't be too good to be true. Because good is always true and only a few true happenings are good..." It gives me a thought that people do not really believe when their luck starts rolling, they usual think that after every calm tide, there will be a storm...

My Pace...

Everything has been going well so far... It is a great holidays, at least it ease my stress for a bit although it has been pouring non-stop since the Monsoon Cup was on... A tough fight for the participants this year i would say under sudden rain and shine conditions... I was hoping that something that I had hoped for a long time come true this year though it is going to end very soon... Still, my wish had not been fulfilled... Guess i should wait till the end of this year to conclude it..

I find pleasure in doing stuffs i had not done for quite a long time such as drawing... Building my passion back... Days passed by so silently i barely knew that it is already 12th today... Still hoping that something more exciting could happened... I love adventures... However, i could not really expect much because of the sleepy hollow condition in this part of the country...

I have observed insects carrying on their lives... The ants are forever dragging along dead insect carcasses to their nest. Moving back and forth... No wonder the soil is always filled with their footsteps... Thus, the soil itself become alive with all the movements going on it... Bees collect their usual 'milk', the sweet nectar... 'milking' them from jutted flowers overflowed with pollen granules... the wind at the back of my compound was as fresh as the scent of meadows... no matter where i travel, i always find the wind that blew at this very spot, the most comforting breeze... Dad had moulded it into a miniature farm/an orchard, looks like half half to me... sadly, there are no more rambutan trees... dad chopped them off cause they were threatening to claw off the roof top with their branches... now the ample space was filled with maize plants and banana trees... not that bad... but i missed the smell of soil under the rambutan trees... a little soothing and magical smell... the soil was fat that time... it degrades now that there are no more shady coverings... Never mind that, as i am able to taste dad's crop- sweet corn which ripen just in time after i came back... yum yum...^^

freshly plucked sweet corn


dad's miniature blend of orchard + plantation farm

Another unpleasant encounter...

Why can't all restaurants and tuck shops be made non-smoking areas? Seriously if this matter could not be solve in the nearest future, the life span of Malaysians will definitely be shorten, all because of second - hand inhalation of the carcinogenic gas...
Lunch today was indeed a torture today... Though at first it was quite a pleasant meal... My family and I were having a very simple meal at a economic rice shop after settling some matters... My appetite was big because it has been ages since i get to eat at the shop again... The first few mouthfuls aroused my nostalgia... the rest was 'msg-ed' with cigarette smokes... My coughs accompanied each mouthfuls... the guys beside my table were smoking away after their meals... Mum said they were like chimneys blowing out waste smokes... affecting people around them... I really hate smokers... They thought that they helped by smoking all the cigarettes in the world which would save the others' lives, however they are actually shorten it even further... Useless smokers, burning their money which could have been used for better purposes for mere pleasure which endangers both their own and the others' lives... No wonder most smokers live longer than their spouses... This is because all the puffs have been filtered by their love ones...
Give us back a cleaner environment...

Emotional Memories...

You told me not to forget you... I said "yea, I'll remember you as the one who ****** ****** ** ** ****". You looked sad because you wanted me to remember your name and you. I couldn't tell you even for the last time that I could never forget you, coz i really like you... That's me, i couldn't let my guards down, to pour my feelings out except to spill it in my blog which is a non - existing knowledge in you... I really cherish the last few moments, your smile and you in person... I'm satisfied with that - the unexpected chance to hang out with you even for just a couple of hours... I promise, I'll never forget you... You have given me so little to remember yet it's rich in memories... I hope you too, will not forget me... I dreaded the moment of your departure, waving to you with a smile so carefully conceived - a very strong emotion deep inside... You- perhaps a friendship sadness lingering which, fade with time... May you be happy, when you find your glow... I'll be glad for you... Coz when you're happy, I'll be...

I hope there will still be a spark when i meet you again... sincerely, me...

'great timing'...

Seriously speaking...I busted my first paper today... There are a lot to write, but the time constraint was a little too much... What does the system expect us to do in 2 hours? 4 essays, 5 structured which require explanation... It's so 'cool'... Maybe i should have been categorized in the 'slow learner' category... I did jot down my points in the paper but it just remained in the task paper, not the actual essay paper... Having two lecturers shouting at me to stop was, well, surprisingly did not embarrassed me... I continued for some time shortly after they shouted...That's me, i'm actually rebellious... Cause the fact is that, they allow us to start on our papers 10 minutes later, and asked us to pass it up so much earlier...

After this experience, i doubt that i'll get a very fantastic marks... it's way down below from what i've previously gotten...It's not that we did not revise, it is just that this system wants our brains to learn, memorizing, analyse and interpret it just like a computer... Computers think fast, or should i say they do not need thinking at all... They just show whatever information that we wanted in just one click... Our brains do not work in one click for sure... We need time... automacity or not, that's not the point... cause information that we learn could never come out as what they want us to do in such a short time... How are we supposed to give implicit and detailed answers in just a nick of time... That's why i hate this 'fast food' era... Everything we do needs to be instant, and efficient... But how to be efficient? we'll be if the questions are given to us earlier, that's if they want a detailed result...
We have the knowledge...but i guess that's why all the geniuses failed under this system...They drop out and yet could create wonders and success..if only they are given time just then in school or higher learning institutions... They want instant information and instant working power... Just look at some of the very advanced population, suicides are high... why? cause they can't work like a machine, and they think that they are inferiors because of that....
knowledge which couldn't be spilled out is indeed torturing... looking at all the blank lines helplessly as they are swept away... great system of operation we have nowadays... and it's an irony too, cause these papers test on our knowledge of how to enhance the younger generations' learning and acquisition of knowledge... How would they expect us to give very humanistic ways of learning and teaching strategies if we ourselves are victims of the non-humanistic situation? That's when the era when the creation and formation of a bunch of human machines come will they realise that they are making machines out of humans... Only the tough ones who knows how to be like a machine can survive... god bless them, cause they'll never know the meaning of understanding... the affective development would certainly be minimized... I thought that the core problem would have been solved as some have realised the insufficiency of time... but the system carries on with the main aim of eliminating the 'slow learners' and 'slow producers' even though they have intrinsic motivation...


I wonder what else does the world want from us? do they want to remove the time span from us as well? i salute the drop outs as they have intrinsic motivation to survive and succeed even though the system abandoned them... that's the freedom of having time all to ourselves which promotes inspiration... cause they DID survive without it...

20.10.2010

My first time deleting a post that i write at midnight...It's an anniversary for me...because what that has been special will always be buried in that deleted one... 20.10.2010 will never come again...never again appear in the history of dates... just like what i wrote... never again to be retrieved once i had deleted...

Of lights in the sky...

No matter where we go... There is always a galaxic light peeking...As clear as the sky is, without a puff of cloud...Where stars reveal...
Seldom do we see them, as we stomp through the lime stone woods...
city lights are what we usually see... blinding all... We fantasize...
Neglecting the silent pretty little streak... all the way from beyond... traveling in god knows how many light years and reach the earth...touching it...
outshine by many other glowing source... to disappear without a trace...
All because of the arrival of the destination which does not look like the destination it appeared to be...

I'll one day see this magnificant glow, deep in the woods in an unknown clearing where all around is lit with dancing showers from the moon...Its presence felt....

What I want...

Wanting is always present in life... Wanting stuff you do not have, wanting the things you couldn't do, wanting a condition which you have no control of... all these wantings bring out the dissatisfaction...
When the mind is blind, it'll constantly whines about all the misfortunates, about all the things that aren't as planned, as desired....
That wouldn't be good in life....
Tantrums from the spoiled kid...
But mum said I'm no longer a kid even though i never throw any tantrums...
I'm to go with the flow of the intended...
Hope that everything will be fine...
I need rest... an escapade...
Anybody willingly to offer me one or at least be my companion in planning and enjoying the escapade? =(

Some Things are Best Left without Any Expectations...

无期望就没有失望。。。我会尽量不去期望任何向往那方面的感情，因为我没资格，没福分，没那样完美的条件。。。想麻木一切回忆。。。我会奔向我能追求的唯一方面: 学业上的表现。。。

Let it snow let it snow let it snow...
Stay frozen...
At least the flake can be preserved...
Some thing are meant to be seen but not to touch...
It reminds me of the warning signs usually shown in the pottery section:
Once broken, considered sold...
and the sold broken product is actually useless...

Fruits of Labour...

Those fruits are what we reap after we feel that we have put in much effort... Sometimes fruits may be rotten even though we tendered they carefully... It takes much patience to bear the pain of getting something undesireable... However, things are usually unpredictable... Like a plant which has to withstand the extreme weathers and every step taken by people who exert pressure on t the soil... compressing it further to suffocate the roots beneath... The persistant growth of a plant is that which inspires: the poet to write about its spirit for survival, the farmer to plant more of it because of its sturdiness, the start of a micro- ecosystem under the very plant because of the rich humus it produce, the sun to bless it with its rays allowing it to grow stronger everday...

I'm proud to say, dad is a patient gardener... I enjoyed the veges and fruits he had planted... This is one of the veges he takes pride in planting-lady's fingers....!!!!

plucked, tasted them...they are superb...^^

A plant is not to be belittled... Without them, we are not surviving as what we are today.... They are the breathe relievers... The key to the sprout of life...

Obsession...

Obsession for television dramas and movies... That's what most of us are occupied with during leisure times at home... Cravings for more of such exciting tele- programmes are common.. I couldn't help feeling that we are all a little nosy... Hahaha, i just realise the fact that we do like minding other people's business... Though dramas and movies are fiction and cleverly woven storylines, we are so curious about 'what is going to happen next?', 'why somebody dies?',' oh no, poor things, that guy is going to cheat them' and a whole lot of other plots which keep us clinging to the edge of our chairs that we just didn't realise that they are taking up our time to really care for people who are in real life, in need of our care and concern..

The fairy tale - like, lovey dovey romance dramas are so popular because of people's obsession for such prefect feelings and happy ever after endings which they couldn't get in real life... I didn't deny that I get hooked up with such genres too... All these roots at the deepest desires of our hearts... It's a medium to fulfill our longings which in reality are not practical at all... Thus, we keep on drowning in those illusions...

And with that, we give a chance for 'daydreamers' a chance to produce dream like plots which we do not dare to show out in real life... they are the script writers and movie producers who are daring enough to dream and show those to the world... in any form of genres they wanted and dreamed of...

That is why films and telenovellas are always so popular...

So, i wonder, are soap operas we watch worth our teardrops, shivers, laughter and gloominess?

Lively...

This song is the latest hit in my list of favourite songs... Love it!!!! It keeps me alive... I'll surely buy his latest album!

David Archuleta's Elevator


Whoa-oh-oh-oh
I had a dream last night
I didn’t know which floor to get off on. Hey-yay.
The doors they opened on, 4 and 5 and 6and you were gone, all gone.
I didn’t understand, I didn’t want to know
at least I took a chance
I had to let it go.
Elevator goes up
elevator comes down
and you just go with the flow
‘til your feet are back on the ground.
It’s an endless ride
sometimes it takes awhile
sometimes it tears you down inside
but it’s the butterflies
that keep you feeling so alive, so alive.
You gotta get back that high.
And in my dream last night
the doors they finally shut
and I was there, somewhere
Alone in my reality
inside an empty box
that’s filled with airbut I don’t care, noooo.
Next time I’ll get a ride
next time I’ll be OK
I’ll have a different dream tonight
Tomorrow’s another day.
Elevator goes up
elevator comes down
and you just go with the flow
‘til your feet are back on the ground.
It’s an endless ridesometimes it takes awhile
sometimes it tears you down inside
but it’s the butterfliesthat keep you feeling so alive, so alive,
You gotta get back that high.
You’ll never know what you’re gonna get
what you don’t expect
can come and find you.If you laugh or cry, you run and hide
but it’s all right.
Elevator goes up
elevator comes down
and you just go with the flow‘til your feet are back on the ground.
It’s an endless rides
ometimes it takes awhile
sometimes it tears you down inside
but it’s the butterflies
that keep you feeling so alive, so alive.
You gotta get back that high.
High-i-i-i-i-i, High-i-i-i-i-i, High-i-i-i-i-i
so alive, so alive
you gotta get back that High-i yeah

So far i could just listen to it online... but i've had it on for days all day long when i feel stressful.... I heart Archie!!!^^

It's a Twisted Reality...

Helpless... A voice raised will turn into a havoc...
Remaining silent, the best solution...
twisted reality will never be straighten,
bonded by the fact that straightening it will cause all hell breaking loose...

As always we see reality as mere reality at its surface...
Nothing is done to dig at its roots...
Thus, The Man spoken so ever boldly about the twisted reality,
thinking that it is straighten...
Arguing that twisted reality is the truth...
Where, He knows merely about the surface...
That's reality...
It's always brutal...
But i have to bear with it...

Scream...

I feel like screaming...
feel like disappearing from the familiar surroundings...
feel like escaping to somewhere...
somewhere where i could do whatever i want to do...

I want to scream...
scream my head off...
but if i did that i'll ended up in some mental health centre....
So, i'm screaming in my blog...
screammmmmmmmm!!!!!!


I couldn't stand it...
not about my studies...
not about my friends...
not about how miserable life is...
i think my life is an enjoyable one...
yet the odds of being overgeneralised is the key factor of me wanting to scream...

Screammmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!

Screammmmmmmmmm!!!!

Screammmmm!!!!

Action speaks louder than words...
And so i scream in my little corner....
Scream in my little space....
Scream in a virtual world....

Where those who heard me 'screaming here'....
Do not give a damn of whatever i'm screaming for.............

Screammmmm!!!!!!
Screammmmm!!!!!
I need to get this overloaded suppressed energy out...
And so I screammmmmm!!!!!
And Scream!!!!
and screammmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!

After all this screams, i'll be back in shape....
I'll be me....
I want to be me...
that's why i scream...
Because the odds are against me....
that's why i scream...

And scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and screammmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And with the help of the little button...I could turn my screaming off...
*satisfied*

Check - ups...

Every time i check my soul, it is full of mist and morning dew...
The veins pump refreshing air into the space spinning the stars around like turbulances in the milky way...
The velvet colour that streams across the starry night like shooting stars which give heart attacks...
The Orion, Big Dipper and Little Dipper swim across the atrium sky...
brightest across the reddish radiant...
The Scorpion hangs so harmlessly upside down the streaks of blue...
The Capricorn is even harder to spot as it glides across the slippery tissue, riding on a Red Dwarf's aurora...
Yet, as what the Stone Eater in the Neverending Story said... The land we fantasized is gradually engulfed by the Nothingness... In this case, perhaps the Black Holes are joining, the force of nothingness which even the cosmic rays from the sun could not escape... A force so strong that it is impossible for the scientists to calculate... The vacuum within sucks emptiness out of the bountiful...
I've checked a hundred times...Only after the mist cleared have I finally find out that it is empty...

30 Hours Famine...

It's a very meaningful event...I enjoyed it very much... The movie they played was very touching... Cried without attracting any attention because most people were half-asleep in the air - conditioned room..Lolzz...I feel the hardship that these children went through...The game we played was so realistic.... But yoga sessions were a little boring.. This event really touched my heart... Although my assignements are piling up, i do not regret participating in this event...I felt the hunger, the pain and the suffering that i would say 1000 milder than that of the children in the alleys, streets and slums of the urban area...It's an irony that among the rich, there lived the poor... May God bless and protect them all....Hope to participate again next time...^^

Beyond Expectation...

Those kids are cute and way obedient than what i've expected... We had to relief a Bahasa class as no teachers were free to take it... I thought that it would be a little harder as the exams had ended... We planned on- the - spot game... Using Malay proverbs... They enjoyed it very much...most of them do, only a few who were looking bored and refuse to anticipate... What surprises me to most is when the students asked for all our phone numbers and signature when the class ends... Some of them had even cheekily said that there will not be any teachers for the next period just to retain us in... It was touching...

To you: Now that I've decided to dedicate to you a small section of each of my blog post... I really miss you... Thanks for everything... though they are minor... It means a lot to me...^^ Cheers... Looking forward...Still surviving....

Sweet today...

Had fun in school... It was awsome... great co-operation from the teachers... love it... Then you came to my rescue... Sweet you...^^... Stay sweet so that I'll be mesmerized by you...Actually i feel like hugging you...thanks a lot... It hard to find someone so willing to lend a hand immediately at the last hour... just as the scent of spring gets milder, you blow it back with shady willow trees... That's how i feel about you... You make me feel alive...^^ ... though unknown to you...

So Yesterday...

It was one of the best day of my life... I feel quite alive... Hope to feel so everyday... It's always good when summer breeze is around... hmm, sort of although it was raining a little... I fall in love with OneRepublic's Secrets....It's a nice song...^^

Me = Matters...

What matters most is that I'm still intact...
I still feel
I still move
i still smell
I'm still inspired...
though not much...

Me, getting lost...
It doesn't matter anymore,
because I'm still me,
I still know me...
I still have my presence
I still continue being me...

Wherever it takes me,
I'll go and see where to it'll take me...
Where to i go, i'll still move as a whole...
There is always a place...
but i do not know where...
yet i'm leading myself towards it...
I do not know, but my legs do...

Where i lay,
I still blink my eyes,
the clouds still catch my eyes,
tears still wet my eyes of laughter and sorrow...

Therefore, it still matters...

Morning Freaks...

Went to the washroom to cleanup this morning... The day was bright with silvery streaks of morning sun... It was a peaceful morning... Yet, a shout from the ground floor wiped that scene out... I look down and saw a man with tattered jeans yelling and shouting at someone's front door... He sounded very angry... To be accurate, i noticed his mad and bewildered look... He was finding for his wife who, it seemed, did not want to see him... He banged on the door... I felt quite nervous as he wasn't supposed to be in the female's hostel... Thankfully, my warden came out to investigate the commotion and asked for the man's immediate departure... He was stubborn as he stay put at his spot and started to argue that his family affairs has nothing to do with the warden...

It was freaky watching two grown ups shouting negotiations with each other: one asking for the other's leaving, while the other asking for the permission to bang down the door of his wife...At first, i thought that maybe it was some normal argument between the husband and wife that prompted the man in search of his wife's in-house training residence... yet, things sounded a little scary as the man said: "My wife has a lot of money with her, yet she refused to see me...I'm very angry, she is my possession, i have the right to see her!" I felt pity for the wife, i'm sure she is scared to death as a tyrant husband came staking her out just for money... These sort of man should be sentenced to eternal life in the jail... Hey, seriously, she is his wife not a money making machine.. If the warden didn't put her foot firm on this matter, i'm sure there will be a bloody abuse case in the hostel itself.... He eventually left, frustrated and unsatisfied...

Women should really find a good husband with an upright conscience and a clear civilised mind, or they'll end up tied with the wicked person till death...(he doesn't necessary need to be very rich or loaded either)... Or better still, stay single if there are no more good ones out there...We, women can still live without the presence of men in our lives, especially if there are no more goody guys around... Abuse cases would be greatly reduced if women know how to pick their hubbies... Smokers, gamblers, gangsters, jobless and sexist men are a no-no... that is one of the ways to avoid the obvious trouble as the potentials of these males to exert abuse would be higher... About those who 'hide their true colours under the blanket' type, we could not say for sure, yet women should not hurry into a relationship too quickly, take time to observe or seek help from your friends to observe him during your absence, you might never know that he has some form of habits which will make you wish you have never met him... This is a lesson women must learn since the time puberty starts..

P/s: i'm not trying to instigate or having a sexist talk here, but women should really be aware of it for the sake of their own good and happiness in life...

Women could do so much better without these matters to worry about...Hmm, i wonder how's the wife current situation? She should get a divorce immediately... Saves her life from further misery...

Humans live only once in the same lifetime... Embrace and appreciate your life, do not let others spoil or shatter your life, because the only one who have the right to do it is yourself, our life is our own responsibility...They have no right to destroy it!

Sometimes it just didn't feel right...

Most of the time nowadays I feel tired... exhausted.... I don't know for what reason I'm tired of... It's kind of like taking the vacuum cleaner and aiming it at yourself with the switch on.... My breaths sucked out from me... It has been raining these few days, that could be the reason why i feel so withered...

Soemtimes when i look at the puffy massups of different coloured clouds, I feel the yearning to have them as my comfy...It was as if i could forget everything which worries me if i put my head on them... Those uneasiness turn into rain droplets rolling down from up there.... I'm a little crazy because I don't feel alright...at all....

Occasional breaks do take some tension off me but that trying tires me out... What am I to do? I am so so so tired... I feel numb in the head and soul...I couldn't feel my feelings... Where have they all gone?

A Choice...

'Never Judge a Book by its Cover' is true every time... We should always bear that in mind...Thank god i saw it earlier, or i'll fall once again...dangerously... Thus, the time to draw a line with a knot....

Choice of choosing...Everyone chooses in life every minute... even now i'm struggling whether to go to bed or not... A tug of war in the brain makes us need the sleep given... I'm still here blogging... I knew now of metaphoric animals... each symbolize a trait in human... human's animal trait... True that even some mystical creatures cannot be compared...

By the way, the high tea was superb... We ate till our hearts content...

The Past...

It is kind of weird chatting with someone who had grudges during the secondary school...Hmm, yea, i realised that actually we do want to find each and everyone who had stopped by in our life at certain point...It is kind of weird for this particular one... We had been ignoring each other since form five although we sat next to each other... Hmmm, maybe it wasn't grudges, it was just our egocentric selves at that time which persisted... Long term frozen relation, i couldn't categorize it actually, friendship? Nah, not that close, yet not that alien too...We did talk before that row...

Hmm, anyway, i'm glad that i found another of my classmates... No grudges, yea... I'm sure of that... We were so childish last time... That was a few years ago....

At some point of today, i did feel some changes in those who had shunned me before...I guess as everyone left school, the old grudges were gone... lost in time... I've even forgiven some...Only those who are not persistent in their grudges... The several stubborn ones still remain, and that i couldn't help it... That's their knot to untie... Some of these swollen headed ones insist on sticking to the past times..i'm just got to say, hey, wake up man... you guys are no longer in high school, and anyway you aren't that briliant..so stop putting an air about yourself... That is to someone whom i feel has too much air about her/his own self... grudges meant to be forgotten, and by the way, i didn remember having any grudges against you, just that you do not like the way i look that time that's all... your personality needs brushing up... and that is related to your career too...

The past is like a curse as well as like a blessing, it contains both elements making it a woven quilt of memories... It follows us till our souls are gone... Thus, take it as a memory, which, we can laugh at, cry at and squeal at... We are growing, give and take would be the best way to drive us forward... By the way, everyone is the same even when we are out in the society... The sneering look, that 'i'm mightier look' doesn't really affect my life...I choose to laugh at it...It's a joke to ever take on the high school attitude in the present...It won't work... It's an irony, these people are going to have the same social status as i do... So why bother?

There Is So Much...

There are so many things and matters to digest...I have turned a bit slothy after the 1 month break... I nearly missed class today because my alarm didn't go off... Thank god there was still time and my lecture class was near... KO things really add tension to me... not that i'm frustrated with the job, but i feel that i'm not doing matters well... It's a lot of responsibilities which i'm afraid that i could not manage well... But i'm trying hard...

I had quite a tiring week, I had officially slept for 11 hours last night... It wasn't on purpose... But i feel bad... That isn't a good habit of dozing off straight through the night...==!

Just came to know that people who originate from Terengganu are called Terengganu-rian... Haha, sounds weird but now i could correct the others who called us 'Terengganu people'... It is word saving though i'm not sure whether it is officially called so, but The Star newpapers is considered a reliable source right?

Someone's brother just died because of an accident..It sounded so scary...The poor kid did not have his helmet on when he was driving his motorbike, he hit a lamp post and fell into the drain, with the motorbike crashing onto him as it went into the drain too! His ribs were out, and according to what I've heard, he died on the spot... May god bless his soul... May he rest in peace after undergoing such a brutal accident...

New juniors were in, but i knew none of them... I'm simply cooped up in my room nowadays or hanging around with friends that i have known... Yea, i sound like an unfriendly senior... haha... I do realise that I'm more of the introvert side...

Powerpoints and assignments...There is an endless list of it... I'm quite worried about it... I do hope that i could get rid of that slothed -up attitude... This semester is even more important... That's the fact of the present...

I love the sky, it is painted daily with wonderous pale blue with swirls of other colours as airplanes pass, their lights shimmer like lively evening stars gliding over the horrizon... I love the evening sky here...

There's so much to say, yet words couldn't express it all... When all is expressed, nothing feels looked - forward to.... I want to look forward.... in life.....

Giving a shot at broadcasting??

I handed in my first assignment this sem at 9++ pm...It was a tiring task for me... Thought that my product is of a creative one, but much effort is needed to complete it... It was hard to direct what i am speaking in front of a handphone camera, while rushing through lines of explanation and theories... Just for one part of the recording, it took at least 20 something cuts before the video clip turn out to be just right...The time limit was a short span of 4 minutes... Then, another problem arose, the mp4 couldn't be detected in the moviemaker... Thank god Theva saved my life...I owe you so much..without your help and guidance, i won't have completed it on time... Thank Ah See also for lending me his laptop... Now i feel as if i'm really stepping into the shoes of an actor or an actress...they must have had thousands of retakes when they acted in a drama or a movie... I do respect their diligence and ability to cope with this form of stress... They looked natural... Mine was a very unnatural take...It was my first tiime recording myself, and i feel very weird editing my own video clip.. But, anyway everything ends well...Look forward to another session of it... I have 3 more to go....

The Paradoxical 'Voicing'...

At last I have something to scribble about out here though it is not a very good thing to share... Still,, i find it hard to resist writing about this..

Freedom of speech has its limits...Yet, some issues have to be addressed in order to clarify the truth and make things right before it is too late to change it... Voicing is to speak of the whole true truth... To progress forward, we need voices, voices to address issues about the roots of problems which has been rooted like a cancer in the tissue... Cancer patient would want an immediate removal of the fatal cells which are thriving in their bodies... Countries need appropriate voicing out so that they are able to progress rapidly in the development, a drive to keep them on track as the grassroots is constant in their woos to perfect the countries internal problems... That voicing is even more crucial in the education system, that is why the government keeps on reestablishing and revamping different education policies and modules to educate the younger generations... The implementers are trained, geared up and motivated to ensure all the plans are carried out well... Yet, there is a culture which spreads among the different ranks of implementers, they fought to get the best for themselves and sometimes with a little gratitude share for their allies... thus, it is a stampede of mankind, the survival of the fittest... leaving the weakest in the stone cold alleys, choking, with black charcoal stuffed into their mouths... which at the end of the food chain, gives no benefit to the ones who should be protected the most - the 'plants', which are green young shoots...

it is an irony, that a threat is given when the truth lays in front of the eyes... the ugliness of the truth sometimes is too much for people admit it... Thus, voicing out irritates them as others started to realise the existence of the ugliness... That is why thick make-up is still an evergreen cosmetic fashion for people of both genders... Those hand painted expressions just give me the chills of some paranormal existence...

Imagine getting injections or drawing blood out of our body... Many would avoid it if it takes their entire life without the nasty experience... If thought of that too, yet when i get injected, it felt just like a prick on the toe... A quick pain... at least, i tried to maintain my health while getting vaccination or a check on my current health status... To avoid it means a bigger trouble at the end of it... Voicing is just like the needle, you are pricked, but yet you'll have limitless comfortable night without anything bugging at the back of you mind...

Furthermore, we have to realise that 'voicing' and 'carrying tales' are very much different from one another... 'voicing' indicates that there is never a smoke without the fire... As for 'tales carrying', it indicates that there is a form of persistence in living in a world of denying hard facts and weaving lies... that is why some people become cuckoo as they live in their own world of fantasy...

This sort of phenomena is detrimental to the triggering of forward progress... Thus it is clear that 'Voicing' does not have paradoxical meanings in this context...

Holidays...

Beaches...the place where we often visit to whisper gossips and feelings...
It's the place of childhood and adolescence,
and i couldn't believe that it weaves our present memories too...
It is the place of relaxation... and laughter...
It is as peaceful as it is as before...
though the salty water, not a very clear blue... marks our presence...
the place we have been, are being, and will be...
Great waves engulf our voices... I believe these laughter are still present in those waters...
Waiting to be washed ashore again...
Holidays allow these to be grinded into the soft sands... each speck... grinded with our happy sounds...
imprinted with our footprints... the stain of it makes the shores glow in awe...

A Little Touched...

I saw what you have posted... Thank you for your concern and feelings for me... thank you, but I've always see you as a normal friend... i could feel what you are going through now, but it is not up to me to accept or not, because, i could just say that you came at the wrong time... Mainly, you are not the right person at the moment... I know the waiting is bitter...I experienced that too, far more longer than you... waiting for someone... Now i realised that this world is full of people who are waiting for a miracle, a coincidence...

It isn't wrong waiting...Just that i realised that waiting for too long a time doesn't bring any changes... All these waitings boil down to nothing... So, i just hope that you could stop waiting for me... I do not deserve that...because i've waited, and i'm tired of it... What you have expressed so far do touched me a little, but i know that it is just a temporary one and nothing else...I always see you as a normal friend, not more not less... You aren't even close enough to be my besties but, i do cherish your friendship...I feel that there is someone out there far more better than me...I still want to advise you that waiting for months is a little too long, move on...i'm also moving on... I don't trust feelings anymore...Now that i find myself moving on much faster than my old self... I've learnt my lesson... Moving on faster creates lesser hurt feelings.... Giving up faster makes me happier... Because i consider you as my friend, i do not want to hurt your feelings... Even if i accept, i think the breakup will also be not too far away... So, it is better not to accept right?

It takes the right person with the right personality at the right time and the right place and the right feelings to be cherished... And that is rare...

I think i'm starting to live up the Gemini trait although i hate it very much... I have to be a little selfish to safe keep my dignity and keep myself going...This is life...

Little Nightingale...

I remembered a pretty little tale i've read somewhere... Some kind of love story..but what made me remembered that particular story vividly was the storyline:

The little nightingale sacrificed its own life...
To witness true love, the nightingale sacrificed its little soul...
It pressed its little chest to the thorn of the white rose...
Bursting into a lovely string of melody, it sang its heart out...
Blood dripped from its chest, soaking its feathers, staining the stalk of the rose...
It sang all night... as the drops of fluid miraculously flowed upward towards the petals of the white roses...
Slowly, petal by petal, they turned pink, and then into a rosy red...
As dawn peeked from the mountains beyond, the nightingale sang its last note and collapsed, with the thorn still stucked so brutally on its chest...
Yet the rose was a wonder of transformation...
It was a pure rosy rose... The colour that the poor peasant boy promised to give the one he loved-a princess...
The nightingale's feathery body no longer felt warm, it was stone cold although the day was getting warmer,the last strand of heat was in the last drop of blood that was eventually sucked up by the rose... the only stalk with rose so rosy...The little body was also pale as all the blood had been drained from it...
The peasant boy plucked the rose that contains the nightingale's passion and blood and presented it to the princess...
The princess took it, a glow of happiness lighted her entire face..she caress it so lovingly, admiring the colour that she had wanted so badly to be on her favourite flower... She turned her back on the peasant boy, forgetting about him entirely and ran back into her palace, eager to show her dad and all her waiting ladies.... The peasant boy was left on the same spot, stunned and crushed...Disappointment filled his heart... He remained on the spot till midday... Then he looked towards the pathetic looking body of the nightingale who perished to fulfill his chasing of true love... The peasant boy whispered with sorrow so great that droplets of tears dropped off nearby flowers... 'Little bird, your sacrifice was great, and i appreciate it very much, but i felt sad as your sacrifice did not reap what it had intended to...There is no true love on her behalf...'
He buried it among the beds of roses and left... Never to be spotted again...

I think this is a fable about the origin of red roses...irony of being the symbol of true love...

Observing the Thought...

These few days have been moments of tranquility for me... I've gone for Dhamma talks for three consecutive days... It was a very good piece of fate to have meet the Sanghas... 23 Bhikkhus came to Bodhi Vihara... Heard Ajahn Hai's preaching in Hokkien...An eye opener... I learnt a lot more in terms of the sequence of events happening during the passing down of Buddha's teachings...

There is something very important for all of us to learn... To observe our self: our frustrations, our anger, our joy, our peace at mind... Why do we feel all these and the reasons behind the ignition of these...

Life is actually a delusion... a dream... when we die, it is actually the end of a dream and the starting of another... Thus to break this wheel, it needs endless perseverance...no pilfering... i like it when Ajahn liken life to a dream...Something like William Shakespeare's liking of life to the players on stage... but dream is more of a delusion...and i prefer this description as we bring with us our consciousness after death, as we awake to yet another dream when we are reborn...

Hot Cold...

Celebrated friend's birthday.. at first with laughter but afterwards with worry... why? because of the one message... If there is anything to do with the UOA stuff... I'll be very very nervous... Especially now, as the waiting for my finals result is such a torture... it is just 2 weeks after the exam... yet, the determining date is somewhere between tomorrow and Monday... Nobody is sure of the official release of it...

My emotions now: hot cold hot cold hot cold... keep changing... i do not know whether to be nervous or what...

恨你的冷漠，恨你作作的不理，你想要我怎么样。。。最讨厌你热情后却冷淡地对我。。。你到底心里想什麽。。。我很累，不想再期望什么了。。。我只能说自己笨，白等了。。。弄到自己伤痕累累。。。我肯定你猜得到我心里所想的。。。只是你选择耍我，耍了一个又一个的圈圈。。。你不累吗？

Weird consciousness...

I feel something stirred in my consciousness...
i dreamt about a big wave crushing over me...
some unfamiliar faces drowned beneath it... I crawled up a wall... the waves kept on crushing towards me...there wasn't anywhere to escape... it was coming from a pond... though the whole pond looked ridiculously smaller than that huge ripple... I wasn't wet... someone was pulling my leg into the water... I flap my arms...grabbing any undergrowth that i could reach at that time... All of a sudden, i was tele-ported... Some kind of desert... i woke up from the bed, which i thought was the end of my dream..but it wasn't my bed... a man was looking at me...

"having a bad dream, dear?" he asked... i was curious... and was about to ask what had happened to me, yet i found myself saying "yea, papa... it was a weird dream"... i scrambled from my bed and out of the door...i saw only sand and dust... the far horizon where the red earth meet the sun...looked like some typical sahara desert... I felt the heat eating into my skin...it was for real... i pinched myself...i felt the pain... Panicked, i ran indoors... "what's the year this year?" (Some nonsense English i spoke when i panicked)... The man eyed me weirdly..."It's 1975... Why are you asking this?" I tried to take in deep gulps of breathes... "What's going on, let me out of here..."

Then, i was really back in my own bed, just in time to hear my dad screaming, 'lazy bum, it's already 9.30am... aren't you gonna get up?' My bed sheet was ripped apart from the bed, strangled both my legs for quite sometime while i was having that nightmare... I saw a bruise on my arm but i didn't sweat... This is indeed weird... A dream within a dream???

Happy Wesak Day...

I'm so happy to be able to chant Maggala Sutta and other suttas during the Pali chanting today... And, oh my, i didn't expect that the English Hymn session is back... I love it... for the first time i feel that it is my nicest Wesak Day...

The shrine hall on the third floor of the newly built building is spaceous... Though not many devotees follow the English session, i feel at peace during that session... I hope the English session of Buddhist teaching will continue... Not many people realise that the Buddhist teachings are also passed down in English... Mum is one of the senior devotees who followed the Dhamma in English...And, I'm not afraid to admit that i prefer to learn Dhamma in English and Pali language than any other languages...

I didn't meet many friends that time..Maybe because it was too early... Anyway, the usual prayers were done... I enjoyed it very much... I thank Buddha for giving me such an inspiring experience...

Two decades...

Thanks to all my friends..It has been a great day... Every wish means a lot to me... It's already two decades since i came to this world... Had wished something for myself and my family and friends... Hope these will come through... Although my big day was perfect...something spoil it a little... No wishes from the south wind... My guess is: no hope... that is certain... Hmmm... never mind good things always come last...I'm eager...^^

ai neu...

ai neu,wad h^pd...
ai neu di ^nsr...
ju: n^ver di:d l^v mi:

ai wl ohlwaz feis di: raeliti...
aim praktikl...
ai wu:dn ri:^k ^ver egein...

It's not monsoon..yet the downpour..

It has been raining nearly everyday...
wet shoes, wet skirts, wet feet...
yet it is good to wash clothes during the rainy weather...
know why?
because nobody is there to cover your clothes line with theirs...
your dripping wet clothing won't stain those from the level below...
no scolding from warden,
no complains from other level residents...
the best part is...
you can hang as many wet clothing as u want (if you keep your laundry from more than 3 days... that's not my habit though)

downpour...
i usually love it...
but this time...
it dampens my mood...
things change as how i used to like carrot milk...
i hadn't drink it for 2 years???
opting for lime juice instead...
hmmm.... weird, but i do not miss it...

Listening...

i'm still listening...
i hear the soft tinkering sound...
in this stillness...
I started liking Owl City's songs...
they are an escapede for me, from this very reality...
i'm sick of reality...
i hate it very much...
hate those feelings...
simply hate it!!!!

i want simplicity...
not complexity...
it's not the reality as in reality that i hate..
but the reality of certain things...
could i get what i want before my birthday? i mean during my birthday?
it's actually a tiny request...
i need time out from all this...
these feelings are to overwhelming...
can i rewind the process of stepping into young adulthood?
if only Erik Erikson found the solution which could help rewind my socioemotions...

Let's enjoy Owl City's The blue fuzzy lights...

I can't help myself...

I can't help myself believing that you somehow know what i feel...
i've got a hunch that you do stop by here, lingering...
somehow...

at such a date such a time, i started my story...

i love the ocean...i love the warm waters curling around my feet on a deserted shore...
the sand not too powdered, beads of circular fine grains...
i would imagine myself sitting soaked by the waves which throw themselves on me...
foams of frothy minerals patted against my skin...

I once heard
such a saying,
at such a time...
there is no hurry to get your soul mate just because you feel desperate...
when you choose in a hurry it isn't a soul mate...
just like those fast foods...
all you get are cholesterol....it drains you soul through the way you swell...
it fattens you with dissatisfaction...
tires you with regrets and downs...

thus, find one who will refreshes you...
who will feed you with good feelings that makes your cheeks rosy...
someone who blows life into your cobweb infested emptiness...
thus waiting would be the best solution...
to despos out there, don't rush...
or you'll get tore apart by the emptiness which deepens right to the core of your hollow as you flings light feelings to many at once...
those are mere beer which do not help once you are out of the state of drunkenness...
That's why i never touch these, in fact i loathe them...
because they cause long lasting depressions... which aren't even genuine...
i've been waiting, unbattered by weather of rumours and misunderstandings of the shallow minded, the childish ones, the pop-out-of-no-where ones who suddenly say 'I love you with all my heart'...==!

Therefore, do not misunderstand me of being an abnormal one who like those from the same gender cause i'm not!!! Although i may be the slowest to progress, i do not mind... Because i know that to find someone i truly like and vice versa is a rare historical event like those of the Romeo and Juliet - type... yet, i do not find this Shakespearean love inspiring at all...
Because i don't mind waiting for my pegasus...

P/s: it never came across my mind that of all the crushes i have, it was you whom i keep falling for all over again each time i see you... it's been such a long time...such a feeling...keep popping up, fantasies surface inconsistently but i never knew your heart... cause it is chained by some form of puzzle i do not comprehend because it is also changing...i've learned to stitch my cracks, not letting any feeling of this sort to fall out...

Confused...

Did you meant what you say?
I dare not dream the impossible...
Cause i knew it was all crappings...
Out of your sense of humor that has gone overboard...

so much have changed... i'm so tired of all these changes...
could we stand at the initial point where everything is just so prim and proper...?
I knew time can't be rewinded...
I just dreamt of it...
could there be just a tiny space, a comfort zone between us where we could weave our own fantasies and not the 1milimeter closeness which emphasises the true reality?
I do not believe in sweetness anymore...
because after the sweetness has gone... there will be hundreds of needles stabbing at me again...
i don't like it at all...
the brutal bitterness...
it rarely leaves without a scar...
i have too many a scar to have another one carved on my flesh...
thus, the further the better...
at least i can still continue my dream of the impossible...
because unknowing is much more sweeter than knowing...

Fresh...

Where the tulips grow i see life...
the dew on the frosted edge.. like sweet nectar ice-cream...
the bees and the butterflies couldn't sip it...

it remains... sweetness in the inside, like the beauty who slept in our childhood dreams...
waiting to be awaken... yet still it isn't..
where is my pot of frozen icicles? i had collected all of these under the bluish emerald moon cove... the wave like breeze streaming through me as i patted it into the bed of mother pearls..
i heard...
wonder whether it is true,
when the icicles of ocean and depth meet the frozen dew,
the ground will grow from the spot they combine...
rising up into the sky,
misty dew flakes fall like Nigeria Falls of the cliff of the topmost...
gushing away to most wonderful song of the sea sirens...
rocks colliding with each other keeping the structure firm and high... they ring like chimming bells...
It seems that fairytales come true up there...
Now where is my icicles?those which i think were these very icicles...
I search among the seahorse colonies...their presence gives a sparkle of glow...
the very bed of mother pearls have grown 'pearlier' than ever...
stars curl around my toes... a tickling sensation...
the pot i unearthen was....
it was....
full of starlets... the icicles gone...melted with the hopes of joining land...
a splendour of miracles...it formed starlets of hopes...
one day, they'll join the galaxies... the thousands of bright cherry glows beyond clouds and heavenly horrizons...

Cheap...

Cheap indicates something of low monetary value...for most of us... yet it can also be of morality and behaviour...Certain things that i couldn't stand about some so called 'creative designs' are a little too frank and shallow in meaning... one such example is of a green shirt with the printed words of 'I Recycle Girls' worn by a golden haired man... I feel that it was insulting and humiliating... Though he seemed to be proud wearing it... Seriously, i do not know what guys like these think about themselves.. Superior to girls perhaps??? Are they thinking that by admitting that they are Casanovas, they would look cool... I don't think so.. It is such a disgrace...There for i label them as cheap guys- guys who are thoroughly those which we could just dump into the rubbish bins and recycle them... At least they might be useful their contribution as 'environmental - friendly' products....

Grasshoppers...

their glossy green among the grenery...
munching up grass and reeds...
tips of blades gone... they still munched til the stalk that was jutting out from the earth...
slowly more joined in this fiesta, as it was no longer the time for siesta...
the wind swept the turfs off...
they spread their wings so fragile...
battered the weather, in a colony they flew...
like a cloak ...
across the sky they glide...
like an eclipse...
blinding the eyes of the sun...
a hurricane across the horizon...
the inertia gathered in them...
stiffen their wings, draining green from them...
brown debris coated them... look how they bleed... the colours blended...
no removal was possible...
they are no longer grasshoppers,
they are locusts!!!!
a disaster to the lush plains and plateaus...

What happened today...

I saw you...
you paced down from the heights...
careful steps with organised mind...
me...
unaware of it...
the unexpected meeting after some period of me, not seeing you
my heart warmed just because of you...

It was an irresistable 'hi' and a sweet beam...
if only you would know what i feel...
the glow in my pulses...
the excitement surge, rushing by and gone in a minute as u swept off..
the colours dances all over you... streams of lightly powdered moist...
i hope you know that i need you for the positivism i needed to start every new day...

p/s: i just dreamt of a rainbow in the form of an elf...kakaka..

Sentimentals...

I like to flashback and re- collect the pieces in the past... Anything old and memorable will surely be in my safe keeping for a long time... Take for instance, my colour pencils... I still have it by my side accompanying me for almost 11 years now.. It isn't any 12 coloured set of colour pencils... It is a 30 piece colour pencil set with a zip which closes a fold - in array of colour pencils...similar to CD albums...(or what ever they call it)... perhaps i'm the odd ball among geminis...i like old stuff... antique maybe...lolzz... I've been saving this set of colours, unwilling to use it as it was my 9 year old present from my godmother... Lately, i'm being quite open minded about its usage... I coloured and draw many things with it... Most of it became shorter... I realised that now, no matter how well I save it, it will remain a useless stationary, staring at me out of the cupboard... Therefore i used it... sending colours all over whichever i like... And i feel relieved that i've started to use an item which will otherwise go to waste, as time ticks by...

An enlightenment...

hear Reverend Chattamalo's talk few days ago while doing dana...it has been a long time since i saw him... It was as rejuvenating as the ones i heard last time... If mum didn't bring me down for dana i wouldn't have known that he had returned... It was because of the opening ceremony of Gandharama near the church in town. Gandharama means garden of fragrance in Pali (Sanskrit) language... thanks to the auntie who had put in effort to build the place which functions like a shrine...ermm, not quite like a shrine, but a shelter for monks, reverends and Ajaans who come for a visit and to give spiritual guidance for us... i missed the preaching by the respectable Ajaan Brahm who flew all the way from Australia... Mum said his preaching is full of humor... I was still studying that time...No holidays... Maybe my merits are still low to have the 'yuan' to meet Ajaans... i feel that i've accumulating very less good deeds... all that i've done are so insignificant... And the deepest burden i have in my heart, the hardest to let go... it is so hard for me to better that part of me... i've tried but to no avail... i'll keep on trying till nature swallows me whole... Reverend Chattamalo actually remembered me...I'm so pleased after four years perhaps, he could still remember me... I was a mere child that time... i've always feel touched by his words, just that the tears are held back... well, curious eyes might be on me... I'm still having much of the self- consciousness in me i guess... I realised that i'm not perfect, i have flaws much more flaws than what others perceive of me... i'm still trying hard, my karma, i need to overcome those bad ones... I feel remorseful as well as hopeful... life is so short, yet we can't make the best out of it yet...not just yet... nature has it's own course but not fated as it can either be for the better or for the worse...that's what i learned but yet to be practiced...

Shoes...

i have several pair of shoes... sport shoes i mean... kind of used to the wearing of these instead of high heels... i had enough of 2 inch high court shoes that i wear daily for class...my heels are sore after the whole day of being suspended between the ground and the tips of my toes...

I've just saw a pair of newly designed ones in a TV reality show... it looks sporty and casual at the same time... perfect for me who is contented with just a pair of presentable shoes which could be wore in all occasions... This is the first time i feel that i need to own those... Yet, i think it would just remain a fantasy... because the price is 115 USD... @@... poor students like me couldn't afford such expensive ones... i didn't really mind the shape - up function of it actually..i just mind the design which suits my taste... huhuhu... if only the price isn't such a whooping rm500 plus minus...i would have bought it...



this shoe make my mouth water... i feel that it makes the wearer look sleek and trendy... although it is not with shoe laces... I hope that they'll come up with affordable version of these soon...

Sometimes...

Sometimes, paving the way for wonderful dreams needs aspirations and perseverence... Actually it always does... If i can get away from banal routine into an adventure of escapade... I'm willing to do so... that would be my aim in the future four or five years from now?

Maybe someday, i can do what i really want to do in life... with no mental torturing problems but peace at mind memories... i just need to play that tiny niche in this world - to explore it...

I believe...

I believe only in long distance family relationships and friendships, but no that particular relationship... I love my family and my friends in their own way...

How could the period of not seeing each other for four - five years make the heart feel fonder? I do not believe in that... Photos are nothing, these are just stagnant silhouette and sometimes irregularities of its effect which makes certain things look perfect... These only cause affections... How naive the person can be... The one is still not matured enough, although older... No interaction... nothing to show one's personality and changes... Do not be too desperate, or you'll hold the wrong hands for the rest of your life... It's the desperate feelings sometimes that make people blind not love itself, because true love can be felt when it really comes...

I believe there is always a pair, or even not, some achievements and goals to be achieved... Besides coupling up, there are still many other things which are more valuable... Not to say that i'm a sour grape...It's just that the timing isn't right, the feeling isn't there, but the wrong person is there... Yet, the one thought appearance create the failure... No, it is not that... it is the interaction that should be more when realising the special someone... Not first sights or umpteen sights... that is merely a delusion of feelings...

It is like when a thirsty person who saw the mirage in the distance... sometimes it shorten your life faster... Take things easy and try to look around... there are other things that we might have wanted to fulfill... for me it's traveling... I want to travel to various places... getting the chance to witness nature and phenomenas that i could set my eyes on... the mind needs to be broaden... that is truly life... i've come to understand it...

Love drunk those who are too anxious, but aspire those who are really compatible... that is love, it does not suffocate but refresh...

P/S: to a senior who will never see this post (because he is blinded)

About my hard drive...

500 pics lost in the midst of circuits, never to be retrieved again... all those memories, become lost memories because of my ignorance... should save it in the D drive... I should do that...Regretted my negligence... although my assigns are saved lucky enough for me to hand in my drafts on time, yet i still mourn over my pictures... songs can be downloaded, information can be found again, but not the memories except a few scattered on facebook and friendster as well as from friends pen driver... Thank god i still did not put the 300 pics from my hand phone into the laptop, or they too will be vanished forever...

Twice had it condemned... defective screen and now the hard drive... i wish i had bought other model... Worse production i've ever came across, merely a toddler which is sold 1 year ago to me, the unfortunate owner of it, and i'm embarrassed to admit it... So, the next lappy should be a mac book or a Vaio then, what do you think? (but these are kind of expensive!!T.T)

Boiled Seeds...

plucking the seeds i do not know...
scatter it in the flower bed and tendered them...
What beautiful colours they'll have...

Imaginations after imaginations layered the soil with fertilisers...
how the worms burrowed under the dirt, casting fertile lands to seeds within...

I saw the boiled seeds...They'll never grow... ever... that made the little boy King...

Good Feelings...

I feel so happy that each and every one of my friends did so well in their STPM... It's hard to believe that they are also starting their tertiary studies soon in the Universities... I pray for every single one to get what he or her wanted be it scholarships or targetted IPTAs... I wish you all, all the best...^^... Keep in touch yea, although it is quite hard now... Looking forward to see you all...

Rainbow showers the land with crimson essences that contains layers of fragrants within...

May all of us grow up with the fighting spirit to chase own's dreams...

This Day...

Rushed through two assignments which had eventually finished. One more to go. Sleepless nights are going to end soon. High tea for TESOL/TESLians will be held tomorrow,but i do not have the yearning because of all these assignments...

On my way back from class, i saw a flatten feathery piece laying on the brown sand looking so helplessly dead... Yeap, a flatten carcass of a bird with feathers still stuck to it... The poor little thing had died several days ago i think... I wondered whether it was a sudden death or an accidental one... the deformed body with the soul removed from it... a sad sight to behold...

Randomly thinking why on earth do we rush through life? It's tiring for a start and tiring at the end too...

There are too many things to be bothered these few days. An old friend of mine thought that i had nothing to make me feel bothered because i'm still single... Yet for me, it makes no difference whether i'm in a relationship or not because there are still many things to be bothered about... Assignments, school and other forms of relationships... Complicated forms of it, sometimes make me doubtful whether there is any sincerity in all these forms... In reality, nothing happens or connects without a reason... A smile instantly connects people and yet sometimes it also distant them... You may wonder how on earth can a smile distant people? well, there are various types of smiles. Genuine ones are much too rare, courtesy smiles are always there.... Friendly smiles turns to courtesy and polite smiles when the relationship gets closer... Sometimes it even means forced smiles or even fake smiles... The harmful smiles are those which can appear to be sweet and warm but the meaning behind these are, hmmm what should i say, sarcasm?

Miss the ignorant days... there are so many things playing in my mind which i would not have thought of when i was a child... things get more complicated as life fades away... things that are hard to reach are even harder to reach than before...

This year's celebration...

Chinese new year has always been a time to enjoy and reunite with family and friends. This year's did not contain the atmosphere it supposed to have. yea, did went out with my friends once, yet i regretted for not going out more... All because of that pile of assignments... Why do we need to pass it up after the new year holidays? Why not on the 1st of March like the others... i hated staring at the laptop day after day... especially during the celebration...

Talking about food, I'm much enraged... I had sore throat (or is it some kind of injury in my voice box?) I hardly could say a word without uttering it in a husky voice which made me sound like a man... steamed prawns for my meals daily... excluding the BBQ chicken wings, butter prawns, new year tit bits and crackers... No fried seafood and other traditional herbal dishes... What a sad scene... But the only thing that i had insisted eating is the 'bak kua' although it is roasted over and over again... Gee, that could be the reason why i still have my sore throat until now.

Now that I'm back in my hostel there is nothing i could do to ease my dissatisfaction though the celebration is supposed to last for another couple of days. =(

The Least of today's...

Celebrated Miss Kan's, Afiqah's and Subhi's birthday...KFC + blueberry cake for lunch...yum yum... It's a very warm gesture towards them... happiness+fun+joy+ thankful

Had my clothes hanged... then the heart - to - heart talk with a friend...Heart breaking event... Please don't tear her heart into smaller pieces as she had nothing left for u to tear...she still needs the capillaries and ventricles to survive... be considerate about her dignity... This type of behaviour earns my loathing... From a little respect to none now... I see your true colours... I see emptiness cocooned by layers of flowery lies...A tragic one, in fact the most tragic one i have ever witness... yet, to you, nothing had happened...I'll only say heartless...

Hope: I'm still waiting... it grows fonder...I couldn't help it... mirage or real oasis - the life giver... it is warm, yet uncertainly cold with doubts... This is another trial... a happy ever after or never ever... The second... is the second better that the former? or is it the same... cross my fingers and hope for the best... freezing temperature or melting ice... let the wind break the news to me...

Back to work... feeling dreary this whole day...

Toying Around...

today's literature class was lively... No oral lecturing but more to participation from all of us... Miss Ratha had asked us to bring a soft toy each... To express our inner child...lolzz. Not exactly correct, but it is more to giving us the exposure of how a literature class in the primary school so be done interestingly... although most of us are in the 20's, we still mess around like children. the childishness showed when stuff toys were passed around with lots of cuddling and even bashing were going on... Giggles and laughter filled the room although it was a day with the sun shining so brightly that it could have made us drowsy...

We had to walk like a teddy bear...^^ This is one experience that i will never forget... Fancy skipping around the class like little toddlers... we are indeed not a bunch of nutters, but it shows that we are capable of acting maturely and also childishly...(Well, for me it is nothing new as I've been childish the whole while already, makes no difference for me except that it helps to amplify my childishness)...

snap shot of a group of soft toy owners...XD


the perasan-ted kitty and bong... not to forget my own doggie 'zai zai'(last year's birthday gift from Hwak and the others)...

Theva the kitty and I, what a pity she's holding a monkey...Hahahaha!!!

Cravings...

it isn't just the cravings food...it's sometimes different...

emptiness of the feelings...

i do not have it anymore...

the richness unfelt...

the numbness...

maybe this is called the transition period...

in the living room doing the drama discussion...

i do crave for seafood and food like those above...just hope that i do not get high blood pressure...

Food...

Weird feelings for me... during the weekends, there doesn't seem to be anything to do...i mean after finishing all that i could remember...yet, there seem to be stuff that i forget altogether...My HD assign still untouched...I'm so dead... Maybe i'll start on the draft today... few more presentations to prepare... endless presentation for us... I had tutorial this morning...Well, not really the usual tutorial as it turn out to be quite funny and scary at the same time... Our tutor asked about the meals we usually have and the frequency of it... She was so concerned about our weight and haemoglobin count as she does not want us to repeat what our seniors have experienced... each one of us had to list out what we take (usually take)...

When my turn came, i just told the type of food i took during the recent week... Oats for breakfast is a usual one, but the next 2 meals are so inconsistent... sometimes they are truly a balanced diet, and sometimes not... Tuna and biscuits?considered high in colestrols right??? I ate that during the weekends because i'm too lazy to walk out to get proper food...XD
Besides, i didn't have any black cloth tied around my left arm yet... Heard some rumours that a few who did not wear white head gear were slapped in Larkin bus station... it makes me nervous... Well, i'll get mine tomorrow... Anyway, sometimes i skip dinner too, and yet sometimes i overeat... ==! quite worried about my eating habits... I don't want to fail my medical checkup...

So, the whole session of tutorial was typically focused on food intake... Well, my presentations for the next two lessons went well.... i'm quite satisfied with it... O gosh, i need to finish up my literature powerpoint for tomorrow... Time is jam packed during weekdays...T.T

Change that...

i wonder if anyone will know me when i change my particulars? Reason why i change... My relatives do not know me, that's why i changed to the particulars in which they know of me... at least now i'm more easier to remember? it's hard to accept changes but sometimes it should be accepted in order to remain the same... i mean remain the original me...

Waiting...not for yesterday but today...

everybody is waiting...expectations- the ideal self created fantasy of every aspects in life... Sometimes waiting doesn't really bear the fruits of waiting... Waiting for the wrong thing is one undeniable mistake or maybe an unachievable act... Waiting for something abstract is even worse, we do not know the outcome at all... When we expect too much or have high hopes, the disappointment turns higher... This is the point when we are very vulnerable... we sometimes crushed... falling apart with a sudden feeling of 'never to get up again'... Yet, human being do have innate resistance when this sort of situation happens... we bounce back as time ticks on, layers of reinforcing materials are built around, forming an even higher resistance called numbness... Although the reinforcing material does not heal the wound, it protects it... So, no matter what happens I'm going to wait... waiting is a risk, I'm ready to take the risk... (my resilient level is high)... I hope that what i'm waiting for is a positive one...

Do I need to stop now?

Leaves drop over me, the scent of apples are overwhelming...
Far beyond the hill...Shady ones stood...
The wind drew my breath, taking it towards him...
I'm too imaginative i guess...
It was miles away...
closed or not, it opens daily...
yet the contents unknown...
i wet my hands in the mist, drops of dew appeared,
so cool and calm... i wish i could hold forever...
the warmth that they gave..
dream or reality?
do we live in a dream or the reality is a dream itself?
Staring into the glow of starlit atmosphere, how far is it?
is it reachable... There is a possibility of it, but too slim a chance...
Thus, a choice: Do i need to stop now? Am i spoiling myself with dreams of that sort?
the light poured in scalding hot or moderately warm, it depends on what weather it would turn out to be for the rest of the day...
I'll wait...
hoping that i could taste the apples of that faraway scent...

Down...Depressed...

A thought of reflection:

Do i deserve what i get? Or do i get what i deserved?
Although i tried to get what i think i should deserve, i didn't get it...
Instead i get what i deserve based on the perspection that i should get what i deserved, not my ideal deserving...

Many thought i deserved that, but i am not very satisfied with my deserving...
I will try again, hoping that i could get what i truly wanted to be the deserving one...

i'll bounce up quickly, don't worry...I'm a gemini... That was said by my reflection...@@

Tired...

I wish the waves are leaping in front of me,
a barricade of emerald turquoise, riding the wind,
with foamish manes shinning with sun ray studs...
when it ends with a welcoming shatter on the sandy shore,
strawed with shells of the ocean... A permanent hollowness echoed within...
Bright as the eyes of the hermit crabs, looking from their hidden pebbles...
Stretching across the horizon where the clouds dissolved into and united with the salty ocean foam... As light as a drop of dew on the crystal complexion...the ripples patterned themselves like seabirds' motion glade, swooping up herrings for their chicks... where fish see land for the first and last time... the ashes rest on musty twigs powdered, grained staining the nest a grayish bleach... puffs of breeze took the finest... air-borne, where there will come a chance where the 'fish' might once again see its home, no longer its former self.... floating gently down, touching the cooling foam rolls...where narwhals sing their haunting... The horns, a impostor of unicorns waving high...tips up high above the sea... a throng of peaks...proud as the lions, roaring the ocean's chants... charm even the sirens, laying amongst the seagrass... Dugongs roam as sea cows in their territory, flashing their humane forms swooshing through the currents, bringing warmth to the stars below... And i lay back as a star beneath the sea looking up upon the star in the heavenly sky... it glows an eerily red, and i a bluish glow... Where streams of air and water flows for miles between... i lay resting...