Hypocrite

It is better to be all alone... It was said that I am not deserving enough... There is nothing good in me but hypocrisy... after all that I have done... What I did was to voice out my suppressed thoughts, and what I get back was a tattered piece of cloth, deemed stained with every type of evil deed that you could imagine. And so I was said to be undeserving of a worthy person, as karma will catch up with me as if my sacrifices and trapped feeling meant nothing. It is all about an child not filial enough to have her own life, her own arrangements, her own thoughts. And all the thoughts were treated as if I was haunted by some unknown evil which needs to be cleansed off with some sort of prayers every time I passed by her. Why? I am not a disease. I am not her. I love, care and give in my own way, but she thought it was poison being sugar-coated. And thus I am deemed and thrown down into the well of dark hypocrisy. And that my sacrifices were mere hypocrisy, lies and tall tales swimming with me in the dark pool. And that my every nonparallel ideas are ideas that are of bad tidings. My voice could not fit her ears, as she swept it all away, replaced by more accusations and threats that shade me in an even more darker light. And what am I diminished to? A mite?

It is exhausting. It is pointless to explain. It is but a story that everyone would think is a tale of something similar to Si Tenggang. Yea, I sacrifice my eagerness to grow and explore to return to the tiny house with no space for me whatsoever, to bear the every single negativity that is thrown at me until I feel that I am going nuts. And yet got blamed that I cast the negativity upon myself. All is well as in my own fault and that I am supposed to be filled with remorse of ideas and thoughts that are unconventional (in her narrow perspective).

Maybe I am really not worthy of a good life as what she imply as even the inner matter could not be settled for years it dragged like rotten fruits under the fruit tree. What more a new one.

I just need to vent out everything~ This is the place to do so~

I have been keeping in touch with my mandarin all the time now... Words written in the language could (most of the time) churn emotions that I want to forgo... But it is alright, I can vent it all out here. Blogs are so out of fashion nowadays. I can cry all I want here. It is safe with strangers and some of my closest friends who do come and visit this site now and then. I like being with myself alot, but sometimes, it feels a little lonely. I find that this stanza reflects on me well. It does.

也许是这个社会给女人的安全感越来越少了，

以前觉得安全感是一个承诺，

是过马路时紧握的手，而如今，

能给我们安全感的却唯有明媚的阳光，

和繁华路口人行道的绿灯，

出门时口袋里的钱包和钥匙，

手机里显示的满格电......

Just another emotional night. Well, everyone has to have these days to be a weaker version of their own self  so that they are able to stay strong for most of the other times.