Hypocrite

It is better to be all alone... It was said that I am not deserving enough... There is nothing good in me but hypocrisy... after all that I have done... What I did was to voice out my suppressed thoughts, and what I get back was a tattered piece of cloth, deemed stained with every type of evil deed that you could imagine. And so I was said to be undeserving of a worthy person, as karma will catch up with me as if my sacrifices and trapped feeling meant nothing. It is all about an child not filial enough to have her own life, her own arrangements, her own thoughts. And all the thoughts were treated as if I was haunted by some unknown evil which needs to be cleansed off with some sort of prayers every time I passed by her. Why? I am not a disease. I am not her. I love, care and give in my own way, but she thought it was poison being sugar-coated. And thus I am deemed and thrown down into the well of dark hypocrisy. And that my sacrifices were mere hypocrisy, lies and tall tales swimming with me in the dark pool. And that my every nonparallel ideas are ideas that are of bad tidings. My voice could not fit her ears, as she swept it all away, replaced by more accusations and threats that shade me in an even more darker light. And what am I diminished to? A mite?

It is exhausting. It is pointless to explain. It is but a story that everyone would think is a tale of something similar to Si Tenggang. Yea, I sacrifice my eagerness to grow and explore to return to the tiny house with no space for me whatsoever, to bear the every single negativity that is thrown at me until I feel that I am going nuts. And yet got blamed that I cast the negativity upon myself. All is well as in my own fault and that I am supposed to be filled with remorse of ideas and thoughts that are unconventional (in her narrow perspective).

Maybe I am really not worthy of a good life as what she imply as even the inner matter could not be settled for years it dragged like rotten fruits under the fruit tree. What more a new one.

I just need to vent out everything~ This is the place to do so~

I have been keeping in touch with my mandarin all the time now... Words written in the language could (most of the time) churn emotions that I want to forgo... But it is alright, I can vent it all out here. Blogs are so out of fashion nowadays. I can cry all I want here. It is safe with strangers and some of my closest friends who do come and visit this site now and then. I like being with myself alot, but sometimes, it feels a little lonely. I find that this stanza reflects on me well. It does.

也许是这个社会给女人的安全感越来越少了，

以前觉得安全感是一个承诺，

是过马路时紧握的手，而如今，

能给我们安全感的却唯有明媚的阳光，

和繁华路口人行道的绿灯，

出门时口袋里的钱包和钥匙，

手机里显示的满格电......

Just another emotional night. Well, everyone has to have these days to be a weaker version of their own self  so that they are able to stay strong for most of the other times.

到底。。。

到底，我想念的是陪伴点滴还是人伴。。。回忆不算美，不算甜。。。虽当时大部分是孤独伴着，可是还算有份期待，期待着的脸孔~期待着的微笑~

我常期待他的微笑~ 那我呢？有谁期待着我的微笑~ 人大了，虽还很珍惜自己，热爱生活，但还蛮渴望再次恢复热诚的心跳~ 只是不知何时还能有机会遇到对的人。。。

What's up with life?

Greens grown... Crawlers unfurl their leaves... It is a new dawn pattered with fine rain...
Ever so softly on the soil... The smell of earth rose with richness of fertile lineage...
Thus forth from the ground spring flowering buds and withered blackened leaves as well...
My life now a mixture of sorrowful past and enriching present~
I am thankful for them~

Little things that make me smile...

It is the laughter of tiny budding youth...
the positive and innocent vibe that sprang from noisy corridors...
the sun that showers warm light in the morning...
the cheerful atmosphere...
the big school field which fills with chatty children where once no shoes are allowed on it...
Every little moment makes you feel all the pushing and tugging at their souls towards the better are worthy...

Sometimes...

It is really great to face the ugliest of all trolls...
You learn not to appreciate beauty...

You learn to appreciate the soul and energy which is felt...
from the aura that is invisible to the naked eye...
you learn that you will sometimes be taken for granted by some 'nobodies'..
and that makes u learn to ignore and push them aside...
just fling your hair and turn...
life is so much better and exciting...

there are always better people to meet...
better topics to share...
like-minds that connect...
all these are making my own world a way more interesting place to live in...

Getting geared up, getting rust off my shoulder...

The salty water should never meet the metal nail...

The luster's gone replaced by brownish rust...

filthy dust which wraps so long the glow...

The value lost..

Only vinegar or apple cider could make the luster glow...

A dip overnight, a scrub in the morning...

A flash of reflection from the metal nail, shining so ever brightly...

I found vinegar... the spirit of like-minds really boast up the previously sunken esteem...

Reading all the blogs of like -minds really help...

So I kept a tab on all of them..

Cause they are worthy of my admiration and serve as my inspiration...

Life has always been good...

It was just a moment ago that I walked myself into a whirlpool...

and got my mind flustered...

not anymore...

I am more than that to be sucked into the death pit...