No Title

Thanks for the support,

that I need not,

as times retort.

The farewells said,

and tears that shed,

in places that fade,

as all are dead.

Whenever fingers dance on the keyboard

Fingers tiptoe like ballerinas when things are down... Ever so gracefully... to the ballads of sorrow or mutters of delight...
Fingers fly like the rapper rapping his fingers to the adrenal rush of beats... a flow of mindless ecstasy and careless steps... the gibberish string of endless words strung together like express train on a railway track racing to an endless end... leaving twisted tongue and sorry finger tips...

the strongest of all feelings come pouring down like dotty rains on laptop screens...
imprint in black and white... the careless rumbles and mindless grumbles... that goes on for every line... a perfect and calm alignment..  an odd contrast against the chaotic turmoil of surging sobs or gleeful giggles...

as fingers paint better the smiles and tears of a perfectly human person...
 

This is the point where...

So if ever there is a beau (IF larhh...), this pretty much sums  up what I feel:

You say that you love rain,
but you open your umbrella when it rains...
You say that you love the sun,
but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines...
You say that you love the wind,
But you close your windows when wind blows...
This is why I am afraid;
when you say that you love me too...




So, better to travel and 'eye-open' my eyes... no worries... 


Sincerely, care-freely.

Yupe, I write again.

Things clear up pretty much therefore I write again...

I yearn for cool blue sea,

engulfing me in its ripples of current...

no froth and foam,

just the deep to sink me under..

I yearn for glimpses of tiny bubbles rise as I fall,

carrying the words I would never say,

a whisper of air free to break surface..

I yearn for the nose of  a dolphin,

nuzzling me, tapping on my awareness of the light-lit sea...

the clicking sound a music to me...

in the deep lost sea...

and I see my legs arms, hair, body...

gliding ever slowly down the smooth water,

more like a fairy mermaid being carried back to bed below the breathes of deep sea eels..

minus the pressure that I would feel,

as I descend the thing that feels empty and transparent...

as clear as air, but yet touches so gently....

I yearn the smell of sunlight mixed sea water...

the warm touches that give ever lasting hope...

to flesh as fragile as fish and bones...

preserve in mid depth where no scavangers could reach...

nor cold slicing ship bodies~  

and I will with all  my might, try the impossible buoyancy,

of living in between...

the worlds of cold and warm...

and be a lukewarm being...

The Triggers

I like reading pieces written by the others when I feel burnout. They always trigger my motivation and drive to get up and get started on my track again. Life goes in circles, and when I get tired of the increasingly normal circles, I wanted an option to enter another circle. at least I am learning to view life from a different circular perspective. The writings are inspiring, the love of words is always embedded within the soul. That is how I cope with life's misery. The place where I could mold my feelings, rub salt on it, put a smile to brighten the piece  or just simply a simple piece of dainty writing.    

The Inside Out

What is out there? laughter, struggles, crying happily with smiles on, bearing each and every day.
What is inside? barely make out, deep depression, troubled mind, thinking, remembering old times although they are all shitty~

Where am I at this point? typing words, typing emotions that I couldn't vocalize, like the whole orchestra of musicians, matching beats to rhythms~ bellowing their hearts out through vibrations after vibrations of air which we called music...

It has been two years or more~ I mended, I stitched, no blood, no stains, no pus, no pains...
Yet, I watched you as your next turns second in line of many more you will hurt. The cyclical process~ prey after prey~ mine was the mildest, as we were just a little innocent back then. You were, at least just a cub learning how to kill, though toying the first prey, barely left her alive limping away... It was a wretch, with scars and post-toying side effects. I know deep down I am not blaming, I am just reflecting on the scars and how they become as such... I am healed with visible scars...
The will becomes low, the spirit couldn't soar as swiftly as it could before. I missed the swiftness and agility... I missed everything that you have shattered. That was my peak... I was at my peak... but now I am learning to build another...and I hope I learn never to let another predator shatter it so easily. The effects are still here, while I watch your smile which still remains after you had done the destruction twice on different preys. I shiver as I still believe in the good that tickles somewhere in you. I shiver as I have seen the ruthlessness which is increasingly amplified. The tainted becomes contagious.I hope I would not see your downfall one day, as you are increasingly becoming a flicker as time passes. I say this with pure statements.  I hope not to see you fall. But, I could sense that in you, the predator, you are broken beyond mend-able measures, with porcelain caked with thick powders and a painted smile. to lure, to sate your momentary purpose. You are part of my perfect. And I could never be perfect again as a little part of me will always be there with you.

And will I mourn? nope... I am just having sudden seizures now and then... I knew I loved you and my heart was always true. That was what matters right? I hope I will be able to love again someone who won't treat me as a prey like how you did to me. My heart is tired, but it is ready.

       

Hypocrite

It is better to be all alone... It was said that I am not deserving enough... There is nothing good in me but hypocrisy... after all that I have done... What I did was to voice out my suppressed thoughts, and what I get back was a tattered piece of cloth, deemed stained with every type of evil deed that you could imagine. And so I was said to be undeserving of a worthy person, as karma will catch up with me as if my sacrifices and trapped feeling meant nothing. It is all about an child not filial enough to have her own life, her own arrangements, her own thoughts. And all the thoughts were treated as if I was haunted by some unknown evil which needs to be cleansed off with some sort of prayers every time I passed by her. Why? I am not a disease. I am not her. I love, care and give in my own way, but she thought it was poison being sugar-coated. And thus I am deemed and thrown down into the well of dark hypocrisy. And that my sacrifices were mere hypocrisy, lies and tall tales swimming with me in the dark pool. And that my every nonparallel ideas are ideas that are of bad tidings. My voice could not fit her ears, as she swept it all away, replaced by more accusations and threats that shade me in an even more darker light. And what am I diminished to? A mite?

It is exhausting. It is pointless to explain. It is but a story that everyone would think is a tale of something similar to Si Tenggang. Yea, I sacrifice my eagerness to grow and explore to return to the tiny house with no space for me whatsoever, to bear the every single negativity that is thrown at me until I feel that I am going nuts. And yet got blamed that I cast the negativity upon myself. All is well as in my own fault and that I am supposed to be filled with remorse of ideas and thoughts that are unconventional (in her narrow perspective).

Maybe I am really not worthy of a good life as what she imply as even the inner matter could not be settled for years it dragged like rotten fruits under the fruit tree. What more a new one.

I just need to vent out everything~ This is the place to do so~

I have been keeping in touch with my mandarin all the time now... Words written in the language could (most of the time) churn emotions that I want to forgo... But it is alright, I can vent it all out here. Blogs are so out of fashion nowadays. I can cry all I want here. It is safe with strangers and some of my closest friends who do come and visit this site now and then. I like being with myself alot, but sometimes, it feels a little lonely. I find that this stanza reflects on me well. It does.

也许是这个社会给女人的安全感越来越少了，

以前觉得安全感是一个承诺，

是过马路时紧握的手，而如今，

能给我们安全感的却唯有明媚的阳光，

和繁华路口人行道的绿灯，

出门时口袋里的钱包和钥匙，

手机里显示的满格电......

Just another emotional night. Well, everyone has to have these days to be a weaker version of their own self  so that they are able to stay strong for most of the other times.

到底。。。

到底，我想念的是陪伴点滴还是人伴。。。回忆不算美，不算甜。。。虽当时大部分是孤独伴着，可是还算有份期待，期待着的脸孔~期待着的微笑~

我常期待他的微笑~ 那我呢？有谁期待着我的微笑~ 人大了，虽还很珍惜自己，热爱生活，但还蛮渴望再次恢复热诚的心跳~ 只是不知何时还能有机会遇到对的人。。。

What's up with life?

Greens grown... Crawlers unfurl their leaves... It is a new dawn pattered with fine rain...
Ever so softly on the soil... The smell of earth rose with richness of fertile lineage...
Thus forth from the ground spring flowering buds and withered blackened leaves as well...
My life now a mixture of sorrowful past and enriching present~
I am thankful for them~

Little things that make me smile...

It is the laughter of tiny budding youth...
the positive and innocent vibe that sprang from noisy corridors...
the sun that showers warm light in the morning...
the cheerful atmosphere...
the big school field which fills with chatty children where once no shoes are allowed on it...
Every little moment makes you feel all the pushing and tugging at their souls towards the better are worthy...

Sometimes...

It is really great to face the ugliest of all trolls...
You learn not to appreciate beauty...

You learn to appreciate the soul and energy which is felt...
from the aura that is invisible to the naked eye...
you learn that you will sometimes be taken for granted by some 'nobodies'..
and that makes u learn to ignore and push them aside...
just fling your hair and turn...
life is so much better and exciting...

there are always better people to meet...
better topics to share...
like-minds that connect...
all these are making my own world a way more interesting place to live in...

Getting geared up, getting rust off my shoulder...

The salty water should never meet the metal nail...

The luster's gone replaced by brownish rust...

filthy dust which wraps so long the glow...

The value lost..

Only vinegar or apple cider could make the luster glow...

A dip overnight, a scrub in the morning...

A flash of reflection from the metal nail, shining so ever brightly...

I found vinegar... the spirit of like-minds really boast up the previously sunken esteem...

Reading all the blogs of like -minds really help...

So I kept a tab on all of them..

Cause they are worthy of my admiration and serve as my inspiration...

Life has always been good...

It was just a moment ago that I walked myself into a whirlpool...

and got my mind flustered...

not anymore...

I am more than that to be sucked into the death pit...

 

Inspired...

May stage of life will start in a few days' time. Though it is great to be near home, I wished I was given a further spot to spark my new life phase. Though I love being pampered, I in fact loathe being 'helicoptered". It is the riskiest way to live life, being overly guarded and covered. I would say that I need more than being stomped down into complacent conditions for the rest of my life. 

Getting into the new job would mean new life experiences and new social circles. However motivating it may sound, I am still overwhelmed by negative news circulating this profession. The doubts and uncertainties of the whereabouts of my job makes me dread the circumstance I am in now. Lacking experience in the local context and minimal opportunities for effective improvement really drags down my mood. 

Just not long ago, I came across a blog entry posted on the fb. My attention was caught by the fact that the blogger is working in the same professional line as I am. Looking through his blog entries eliminate some of my woes. The entries are inspiring and well - written. Most of my time for the past year had been a dreamy deterioration to the point where I no longer feel like my old self. My dreams, my life goals were all put on-hold. I have reached the realization that blaming myself on the decision I made two years ago is in fact stupid too. It is just a lesson to be learned by the dreamy me. Time wasted is not wasted at all as the flown away months spend at home with a quarter life crisis situation is coming to an end. So had I re-collected most of myself with a slightly wiser mindset and a gain of my sensibility which was oblivion for a bit too long. 

I am now grateful that I had woke up from the two-year long sleeping spell. This journey of mine is still long. It is still not to late to shape a better trail.  

    

Run...

I want to run as much as I could...
as fast as my feet could bring me...
to places I had wanted to peek and explore...

I like the feeling of running...
but I am still in a cage...
I will soon be free...
I can no longer stand the space in the cage...
I hate it, I loathe it...
I want to be free..
even though danger is lurking...
what is life is there isn't any risk...
i hate sedentary life..
I hate it a lot...
I want to live my life full of life...

Therefore, i want to run... run as far as I could...
my feet will bring me everywhere up to the point where it could carry nowhere...
I still want to fly... to run as wildly as I could...

New Stage in life...

A glass ladder upon the land among the clouds...
It stretches up higher into the endless blue...
What beholds, what unknown...
maybe there lies the land of giants where Jack and the bean stalk went to,
maybe there is a castle in the sky as Gulliver described...
 who knows what is up there...
though science has proven the layers of ozone and altitudes...
they never proven what is yet to be comprehended...
things seen by one which is not seen by the others...
as those who are telepathic and those who are no...
those who draw images on paper and those who project images from their minds...

Whatever lies, i know there will still be tears, but there will also be much bravery...

又来

无法切底，绝对的，狠心放下。。。发泄的次数代表了什么。。。才发现一不小心陷太深，太认真了，一不小心把全部真心也牺牲在初次的赌座上。。。

就好好让我在此大哭一场。。。

没理由的伤感又在我快痊愈的疤切下一片肉。。。
明明不想要过去的他再影响我。。。 偏偏又无意中看到他的近况。。。
怎么还给我看到。。。
我讨厌我自己，明明好像放下了。。。
却因他的小小的近况，再次崩溃。。。
一直说服自己真的不值得。。。可是心还是痛到要死。。。
痛到觉得心脏在此刻开始冒出大量的血。。。呕不出来。。。
怎么世上没有可以把伤心记忆给删掉的汤让活人喝而不只给过世的灵魂喝的。。。

Hello to the child in me...

I am the crust that withstand the ever-changing weather...
I had multiple scars from countless battles be it  lose or win...
But I still protect the child in me...
The purest laughter...
The enthusiastic explorer...
the passionate life lover untainted by any ill intentions...
the bright eyed toddler...

Even if the skin wrinkles and shingle...
I will willingly release the child by shedding my skin morbidly...
In the mean time it still stays...
it still lives happily...
though life is getting harsher...

Rain...

Rain brings calm refreshment...
Temporarily washes away all of those unhappy holdings...
It twists the life of the broken in a new way...
sprouting from the cracks of the broken...
tiny flaky leaves...
the trunk is still there..
however it gave up growing a single branch which had been hollowed by unseen parasite...
it diverts new cellulars in a single shoot,
healthily growing on another branch...

ups will always come after downs...
the pieces that are dropped turned into fertilizers that again feed the tree...
that is all the rotten branch could be made the most out of...