Yupe, I write again.

Things clear up pretty much therefore I write again...

I yearn for cool blue sea,

engulfing me in its ripples of current...

no froth and foam,

just the deep to sink me under..

I yearn for glimpses of tiny bubbles rise as I fall,

carrying the words I would never say,

a whisper of air free to break surface..

I yearn for the nose of  a dolphin,

nuzzling me, tapping on my awareness of the light-lit sea...

the clicking sound a music to me...

in the deep lost sea...

and I see my legs arms, hair, body...

gliding ever slowly down the smooth water,

more like a fairy mermaid being carried back to bed below the breathes of deep sea eels..

minus the pressure that I would feel,

as I descend the thing that feels empty and transparent...

as clear as air, but yet touches so gently....

I yearn the smell of sunlight mixed sea water...

the warm touches that give ever lasting hope...

to flesh as fragile as fish and bones...

preserve in mid depth where no scavangers could reach...

nor cold slicing ship bodies~  

and I will with all  my might, try the impossible buoyancy,

of living in between...

the worlds of cold and warm...

and be a lukewarm being...

The Triggers

I like reading pieces written by the others when I feel burnout. They always trigger my motivation and drive to get up and get started on my track again. Life goes in circles, and when I get tired of the increasingly normal circles, I wanted an option to enter another circle. at least I am learning to view life from a different circular perspective. The writings are inspiring, the love of words is always embedded within the soul. That is how I cope with life's misery. The place where I could mold my feelings, rub salt on it, put a smile to brighten the piece  or just simply a simple piece of dainty writing.    

The Inside Out

What is out there? laughter, struggles, crying happily with smiles on, bearing each and every day.
What is inside? barely make out, deep depression, troubled mind, thinking, remembering old times although they are all shitty~

Where am I at this point? typing words, typing emotions that I couldn't vocalize, like the whole orchestra of musicians, matching beats to rhythms~ bellowing their hearts out through vibrations after vibrations of air which we called music...

It has been two years or more~ I mended, I stitched, no blood, no stains, no pus, no pains...
Yet, I watched you as your next turns second in line of many more you will hurt. The cyclical process~ prey after prey~ mine was the mildest, as we were just a little innocent back then. You were, at least just a cub learning how to kill, though toying the first prey, barely left her alive limping away... It was a wretch, with scars and post-toying side effects. I know deep down I am not blaming, I am just reflecting on the scars and how they become as such... I am healed with visible scars...
The will becomes low, the spirit couldn't soar as swiftly as it could before. I missed the swiftness and agility... I missed everything that you have shattered. That was my peak... I was at my peak... but now I am learning to build another...and I hope I learn never to let another predator shatter it so easily. The effects are still here, while I watch your smile which still remains after you had done the destruction twice on different preys. I shiver as I still believe in the good that tickles somewhere in you. I shiver as I have seen the ruthlessness which is increasingly amplified. The tainted becomes contagious.I hope I would not see your downfall one day, as you are increasingly becoming a flicker as time passes. I say this with pure statements.  I hope not to see you fall. But, I could sense that in you, the predator, you are broken beyond mend-able measures, with porcelain caked with thick powders and a painted smile. to lure, to sate your momentary purpose. You are part of my perfect. And I could never be perfect again as a little part of me will always be there with you.

And will I mourn? nope... I am just having sudden seizures now and then... I knew I loved you and my heart was always true. That was what matters right? I hope I will be able to love again someone who won't treat me as a prey like how you did to me. My heart is tired, but it is ready.

       

Hypocrite

It is better to be all alone... It was said that I am not deserving enough... There is nothing good in me but hypocrisy... after all that I have done... What I did was to voice out my suppressed thoughts, and what I get back was a tattered piece of cloth, deemed stained with every type of evil deed that you could imagine. And so I was said to be undeserving of a worthy person, as karma will catch up with me as if my sacrifices and trapped feeling meant nothing. It is all about an child not filial enough to have her own life, her own arrangements, her own thoughts. And all the thoughts were treated as if I was haunted by some unknown evil which needs to be cleansed off with some sort of prayers every time I passed by her. Why? I am not a disease. I am not her. I love, care and give in my own way, but she thought it was poison being sugar-coated. And thus I am deemed and thrown down into the well of dark hypocrisy. And that my sacrifices were mere hypocrisy, lies and tall tales swimming with me in the dark pool. And that my every nonparallel ideas are ideas that are of bad tidings. My voice could not fit her ears, as she swept it all away, replaced by more accusations and threats that shade me in an even more darker light. And what am I diminished to? A mite?

It is exhausting. It is pointless to explain. It is but a story that everyone would think is a tale of something similar to Si Tenggang. Yea, I sacrifice my eagerness to grow and explore to return to the tiny house with no space for me whatsoever, to bear the every single negativity that is thrown at me until I feel that I am going nuts. And yet got blamed that I cast the negativity upon myself. All is well as in my own fault and that I am supposed to be filled with remorse of ideas and thoughts that are unconventional (in her narrow perspective).

Maybe I am really not worthy of a good life as what she imply as even the inner matter could not be settled for years it dragged like rotten fruits under the fruit tree. What more a new one.

I just need to vent out everything~ This is the place to do so~

I have been keeping in touch with my mandarin all the time now... Words written in the language could (most of the time) churn emotions that I want to forgo... But it is alright, I can vent it all out here. Blogs are so out of fashion nowadays. I can cry all I want here. It is safe with strangers and some of my closest friends who do come and visit this site now and then. I like being with myself alot, but sometimes, it feels a little lonely. I find that this stanza reflects on me well. It does.

也许是这个社会给女人的安全感越来越少了，

以前觉得安全感是一个承诺，

是过马路时紧握的手，而如今，

能给我们安全感的却唯有明媚的阳光，

和繁华路口人行道的绿灯，

出门时口袋里的钱包和钥匙，

手机里显示的满格电......

Just another emotional night. Well, everyone has to have these days to be a weaker version of their own self  so that they are able to stay strong for most of the other times.

到底。。。

到底，我想念的是陪伴点滴还是人伴。。。回忆不算美，不算甜。。。虽当时大部分是孤独伴着，可是还算有份期待，期待着的脸孔~期待着的微笑~

我常期待他的微笑~ 那我呢？有谁期待着我的微笑~ 人大了，虽还很珍惜自己，热爱生活，但还蛮渴望再次恢复热诚的心跳~ 只是不知何时还能有机会遇到对的人。。。

What's up with life?

Greens grown... Crawlers unfurl their leaves... It is a new dawn pattered with fine rain...
Ever so softly on the soil... The smell of earth rose with richness of fertile lineage...
Thus forth from the ground spring flowering buds and withered blackened leaves as well...
My life now a mixture of sorrowful past and enriching present~
I am thankful for them~