The 77th post...

i was thinking of not to blog about anything today...but seeing that the number of posts that i've written this year, i finally convinced myself to write this one last post...i mean for 2009 of course... The number is of good digits too! I want everything bad and unfortunate to get themselves lost in the wind... I do not want them to stay... if there are 76 posts...with the 6 that sounds similar with liu2 in chinese which means to stay on... i don't want those misfortunes to stay on...i want them to be shooed away...hahaha, i sound ridiculous i know...Just the fun of writing something in this post permits me to get through with this lame reason...

Had lots of fun these few days...Outing with friends can never be boring... There are so many things to catch up with... The weird thing is, i had ordered tea O for the first time... Never like it before...but the terengganu taste that is within it cause me to let myself a little off guard... But still, i want to say i dislike that beverage... Going back at the first burst of sunlight tomorrow... Sad to leave my friends behind and the most important ones- parents...
An auntie who was working at the hawker centre asked me "That leaves only both your parents at home right? " when i said i'm starting my new sem soon... yea, that is so true... it's a dreadful feeling that i have to make do with every time i go back to JB...

Tomorrow is a new day...I hope that everything will turn out nicely... I didn't make any new resolutions for next year...i just hope that i can achieve every one of the old resolutions that i have made annually years before... Let my will power guide me... I'm gona ditching all my unluckiness behind... (i hope) ... Tomorrow is a present for me!!!

Happy new year everyone!!!^^

The last of 2009...

I could not believe it, I've been sustaining this blog with life for two years now... I'll continue to do so in the future... Tomorrow will be the last day of 2009... And the last time I'm going to have fun this year - The nonreturnable year... Everything that had passed this year is indeed a mixture of bittersweet events... Everything is quite smooth moving overall... I thank god for the time for this year... Most events are of good aspects... All my friends are done with their exam battles, some have already gone 'missing'...Never mind, at least, i know that they are well and happy... I still do not know my finals' result (this is a bit worrying...) Mum is retiring soon... i hope she could get the optional she wants... Dad as usual display an array of fruits he have gotten from his sweat and effort... Guavas especially... Time with my family is so precious... I have time to spend with my friends... I'm not planning for any drastic changes so far, I'm going to keep my old self... Oh ya, I'm so into David Archuleta's songs...Looking forward to his new ones next year... I had his Christmas carols playing repeatedly on Christmas Day... I think i finally had my very first singer idol (i didn't count Rynn because that was influenced by my friend, lolzzz)... His voice is so sweet.... Next year would be a bustle i think... Degree syllabus is nothing to be fooled around with... There are so many things that i have not done or achieved yet... The future is so uncertain, I'm actually a little nervous...

P/S: The happiest is the good turning in the lives of some of my friends... I wish that the 'she' and the 'he' will last forever with their partners respectively...^^

A Thought...

The holidays is nearing its end... Hanukkah and Christmas celebrations are over (though i celebrate none)... It is going to be 2010 soon... From now onwards there will not be another year with two zeroes laying side by side in the calendar untill the next century - 2100... 2009 is the last with those in the middle of it... Two years have flown passed since i left high school... The only two things i feel remorseful about is the missed opportunity to snap some photos with my teachers... I've promised to visit them during my sem breaks but... little did i know that all my sem breaks coincide with the school holidays... I still had the yearning of going back to school each holiday, but, the teachers will not be there, it is a common sense that all teachers need these off days too... There is always a soft spot left in my heart for my high school... I feel that it isn't as bad as what the others had said it was... Maybe it is the way they see it... Even the principal gets the bad credits...well, every human isn't that perfect anyway, we can't expect him to bear all those burdens and on the other hand satisfy everybody... Maybe, as students, we expect adults to have the credibility of perfecting everything without thinking about how it is done... What procedures it has to go through... To make something smooth running, lots of things have to be taken into consideration such as the cooperative spirit, financial means, response from the higher authorities... I've kind of thought about this after seeing a little more than what i've seen as a high school student... Perhaps it is because childhood is leaving me further and further away... There is a sense of urgency to meet my teachers again... I fear that things will change altogether if i do not fulfill my wanting next year... i hope that i could do it... Maybe most who are my schoolmates will scorn, what's so good about that school anyway...?Well, I just feel that it fits my high school memories perfectly together with its good and bad reputation... Mum said my principal is retiring soon... Though i've got no comments to say about him...he is still the only principal i know in that school... school feels different if another senior teacher is going to be the new principal... Thus, i hope that i can still feel the familar feeling when i manage to return there next year...just to take a stroll... Life after high school doesn't seem as exciting as it was during high school... Maybe it is the way of seeing things... Everything is just a normal item, there is no excitement of discovering something new... Hanging out with friends are all about keeping the spirit of friendship alive and as firm as before, talks about growing up, gossips, and usual stuff (clothes, boys, appearances, changes)...Maybe there isn't anything so special about the world, humans spice it up just for the excitement they need... Sometimes we experience fun and enjoyment, yet in the midst of it, you realise that there is an emptiness in it... So what is the fun about? Childhood dreams are more realistic than what it is in reality... Getting older by the year now... happiness is such a short span creature...

All Those Misses...

The grass is always greener over the other side no matter how ugly it actually is over there... When you see the greneries growing so lushfully there... A step forward makes you realise that you are actually stepping into a bog...lolzzz... You are going to sink more deeper in that goo... no greens at all under there... just some rotten smelling mud and sludge?


Mankind has indeed a lot of dissatisfactions... He envies when others are having a good time, but does it mean that he will have fun too if he is doing the same activity? Well, it always depends on the passion that you have in you, if not it won't be fun at all... All the photos with smiles in it... not all are genuine... Different people experience different level or form of enjoyment or other emotions when doing something as simple as, say, swimming?

Good swimmers perhaps do enjoy a higher level of lively adrenalin... or perhaps, even those who are just soaking around in the pool, splashing and thrashing droplets of water... or the feeling of together-ness which brings everyone into the same state of happiness? What about the leftouts? Lone swimmers? maybe some of them like this form of isolation... To them, this is a blessing to rid the crowd for some privacy...

Then, the onlookers.... lots of perspective will play in their minds.... are they happy...? are some missing out? Thus the ancient method of spreading rumour or exaggeration of a blast... Some turn sour... wow, it is fascinating that onlookers become sour not because it is their business, because they feel left out... thus, the dissatisfactions... Imaginations of how wonderful if they are part of it...

Well, i likened it to the Penang laksa in Penang...Personally, i feel that Terengganu's Penang laksa is way nicer... Weird right? Well, maybe Paris isn't that romantic after all...

it's the self experience that makes it fun, not the photos of other people's memories that make it LOOK fun... So, that's what i'm saying theorotically of my own version of 'the-grass-is-greener-over-the-other-side' of the fence... Well, it's the same...in reality, we step on the same globe called earth... besides the way of living in various water bordered land, i'm sure if we are to stay in one place for a long time it sort of loses its own charms... So the list goes on, we envied the misses that sometimes aren't that extra- ordinary fun... People are a funny sort... this is one of the few ironies they have... which makes them look FORWARD...hahaha...XD

Perfect...

I'm not perfect... please don't criticise my every imperfectness... It's so tiring for me to try to be perfect... The more i try, the more defects i have... I'm so tired...' Am I myself?' i wondered... My self has been lost a long time ago... Can i get some rest? Where is the simple and sweet happiness i used to have... My every word is a torture... Changing is so tiring, though the change does not tire... No praises to my perfect side,but lots of arrows throwing themselves at my scars... Will it ever stop? What's the use of been a model to the others, your own happiness sacrificed... I really need some rest, the benchmark is suffocating me... Nothing is ideal...can you accept me as who i am? Do i not shine my own light now?

Those of the same kin...

Passing by the field, i saw two horses drink at a stream... one white and one brown eagerly lapping the clear bubbly water... Are these from different farms? I thought they were from different farms... Runaway horses? Observing them carefully, i saw different personalities... One was cautious towards its surroundings, the ears twitched... barely did a rustling leaf escapes its sharp hearing... The other was contented with whatever it has in front of it... water... to quench its thirst... i bet that they are distant relatives of the same breed... The same brown eyes... herbivores... etc...
I still feel that they are of the same clan, originated from a faraway woods... I like their manes, curling around their necks... wild as they are, i will not cross their paths... Their eyes are indeed welcoming... i crouched under the oak tree unwilling to leave... It was so hard resisting myself from going forward to embrace them... to touch their necks and rub their noses... Spiritual friendship i'll have with them... 'They are wild' i keep reminding myself... They will never be tame... Thus, going near means the risk of getting stepped on is higher... the wounds will be deadlier... Another black one galloped into sight without me noticing it... I thought i was looking at Black Beauty... It looked fiercer still... it come nearer to graze the greeneries near me... its nose brushed pass my foot... i managed a pat on its nose... though it was approving my presence, i will never ever bring myself to ride on it... Wild horses are dangerous, but they are magnificent creatures to behold in sight... No matter how welcoming they look, i'll surely end up torn apart...

Let it start...

Crimson blooms,
from within the depth of the lake...
it isn't what it seems to be, wind swirls from beneath...

Christmas, the season for everyone...
a white moth flutter down on my desk... its wings beating the table top,
shaking its powdery scales all over...
it isn't snow...

It no longer seemed what it is suppose to be...
let it start,
let the spirit do whatever miracles...

the moth soars so suddenly away...
a misty trail behind it...

Lost...

It is a weird kind of dream... I could never decipher it... Running through the woods as i saw nothing... no trees, no greeneries of any kind... Then suddenly into a mass of thick bushes i went... Ahead of me i saw a blue mountain with a pearl at its peak... It showered a thousand radiant flashes of rays...reflecting the sun beams i guess... I found myself eagerly climbing up a tree (it is a wonder i could climb a tree that high)... a tree towering so high that it is higher than the others... i soared up high...i was so close to the pearl, radiating warmth towards every angle...and yet i still found myself curling up in a ball on the damp forest floor... i could feel the warmth of the pearl, still bidding me... i could only see the glow amongst the canopies of trees everywhere... Where was I? i didn't have this dream for ages... now it is back... I'm kind of used to deja vu nowadays even in dreams, but not so often as i had experience during my childhood days... I feel so lost... Does this dream have any connections to my will of giving up the inspiration i held for such a long time... I am experiencing side effects after giving up something so familiar to me... my drive... I guess i need to find another thing to focus myself back... As for now i'm still feeling very very lost...

Oils... (crapping)

After watching the show, mum told me that in fact coconut oil is much better than olive oil... Men have been using oils for centuries... cooking oils, rejuvenating oils, oilment... The list goes on... Most oils extracted from various natural elements or the synthesized ones are for the benefit of mankind... So in this health conscious century, oils used in culinary are in the top list of the public demands... healthy or not those oil extract, most of us choose what we feel the best for our own needs and of course try to find the healthiest one so as to lengthen our life span? Many claim various oils are essential for the body and amongst them those who want to make a profit out of it... Thus, consumers buy and buy and buy those new products which claimed to be super duper good and certified by various doctors or pharmacists... As usual sales gimmicks are in for play which is the simplest persuasion technique - testimonies... Whether we noticed it or not, we actually consumed various types of oils consciously or the other way round... Some oils turn to fats, into those saturated phospholipids... digested and compressed in the body as cholesterols...unknown...
In fact we don't really care about what is healthy... we can't run away from those... No matter how healthy the food we eat or sickness proned products.. we just managed to lengthen the time our souls exist in the body casing, not immortalised it...
What makes a healthy lifestyle is how we live it and how we experience it emotionally and mentally.. physically less as inevitable as it sound we are inhaling germs and diseases into our bodies...

P/s: i've no idea what i'm crapping...just feel like writing something... and this is the result of that wanting...==!

My Passion...

E-books are hard to read actually... My usually reading speed is reduced whenever i read online... Bloody capillaries start to appear whenever i'm too deeply absorbed into the story which result in a fully blow of scolding from my mum... I guess i had to forgo the online reading habit for sometime... So now i'm reverting back to the older form of reading materials...books... Okay, i've started revising my Enid Blyton series lest more dust are gathered in between the pages... My fond memories of them are back...I'm quite contented with it...

I found out that i'm still into the drawing mood this holidays... The drawing is half finished... I'm so glad about it, it has been a long time since i draw what i really love...^^
My passion for sports is about to be satisfy after my friends finished their stpm... Yearned for the great outdoors...

The monsoon season is about to end... It also indicates that 2009 is ending soon too... I hope for a fresh beginning next year! At the meantime, i'm trying to find a four leaf clover while helping out in the garden every evening...Life is great! little buds are starting to grow too... New life spring up!!! love the miracle...^^

My Way of Comforting Myself - Archie's song

When I'm down...This is the song i love listening to now...I am actually addicted to it...Better late than never though i came across it only recently this year... I'm looking forward to the future...It is going to be brighter than ever...^^ I going to create my brightest star...

I'm stronger now...

David Archuleta - Waiting for Yesterday

You and me, all alone girl

What's going on?

Will you tell me what's wrong?

It's like you're locked up in your own world.

Oh, with nothin' to say.

You keep me guessing, but I see in your eyes.

He made you promises, but gave you lies.

You're shutting down

Because you're so sure,

That I'll be another mistake.

I know that he left you in pieces.

You know that I won't be that way.

I'm not gonna treat you like he did.

Oh, Whatever it takes.

You think history is repeated.

You keep on wishing me away.

Oh, but nothing's gonna change.

Waiting for yesterday.

Is it worth it any longer?

So scared of falling again.

Yesterday can make it stronger.

So why do you feel alone?

You know I love you better than he ever did.

And this could be, all you ever needed.

Hold onto me and just remember.

Oh, no. Never let go!

I know that he left you in pieces.

You know that I won't be that way.

I'm not gonna treat you like he did.

Oh, Whatever it takes.

You think history is repeated.

You keep on wishing me away.

Oh, but nothing's gonna change.

Waiting for yesterday.

I'm the one for you tonight.

I'm the one for you forever.

If it takes a little time,

Whatever it takes, whatever it takes.

I'm the one for you tonight,

I'm the one for you forever.

If it takes a little time. (Whatever it takes, whatever it takes).

I know that he left you in pieces.

You know that I won't be that way.

I'm not gonna treat you like he did.

Oh, Whatever it takes.

You think history is repeated.

You keep on wishing me away.

Oh, but nothing's gonna change.

Waiting for yesterday.

I know that he left you in pieces.

You know that I won't be that way.

I'm not gonna treat you like he did.

Oh, Whatever it takes.

You think history is repeated.

You keep on wishing me away.

Oh, but nothing's gonna change.

Waiting for yesterday.

******************************************************

I got what i craved for tonight - salted fish and budu with white rice of course... A simple yet heart-warming meal... Every morsel contains the soul of my home... Penang has ambigual scenes...

For the past one week, my trip to the island was moderately enjoyable... The laksa penang was a disappointment but i give my thumbs up for the cendol and ju cong fan (can't really translate it in English)... Some Penangites are ill mannered, causing my mum to have a bad impression on the present Penang though it was way developed now... Though intellectuality are higher, but values are experiencing the lower tides... Looking at the way they 'manoeuvre' along the streets in their iron castings and engines which they themselves are vulnerable to...

Nevermind all that... Anyway i'm safely back in my hometown, missed the chance to meet dear Nee, she went back to UM already... It is a long time since i saw her...chatting on the net doesn't count...I do not meet her face - to - face ever since we graduated from high school... that was two years perhaps? yea, that was it... Hope to meet her during the chinese new year...We always arrange to meet up but it never work out, i'm so curious why it has turn out so...

Anyway, colours back in me... My life is colourful enough....

Oooh, and i still love blue colour...^^

Unexpected...

I thought my wounds are a little less than a mark under the dried up skin...
But...
Why is it re-opening again?
I don't need it, i loathe it now, but it spits blood again...
Please don't re-enter my life...

Yet, i let it enter...
a little closer to the bones now...
when i let it in, it was a mere brush of a light feather
tickling my scars, salting them again...
i don't want to notice it, yet it screamed at me...
What's the problem with me...
I promise to forget...
Each and every memory of it...

It, i guess would always be a part of me, a habit...
A youngish mistake...

Now i wouldn't want any other to form a habit in me,
don't want to go through again...

Who can help me? I don't want that piece of memory...
i wish i can erase it just like from a microchip,
no.....
microchip can be burnt, but not this...

Journey...

I would have to climb out from my bed tomorrow early in the morning... The journey will start at 6am... I hate long journeys sitting in the car doing nothing... Sleeping perhaps the whole day after that till i see the paddy fields in Kelantan...

Then, merrier moments of reunion with my cousin's baby...^^

Had my hair trimmed today...Mum said my hair was way too thick to suit the dresses... my head felt kind of light now... Much of my hair are left on the floor of the barber...kakaka...

Hope that this journey will be an enjoyable one...

Lilies in the Water...

Lilies... purest of all petals...
Gone, the sluggish flow...
Roots ironically still sweeping the river bed... nourishing...
Isn't it a illusion, a deceiving one?

The scar never heal, a silver lining embed its permanence - 'healed'
like lilies, supported by its roots...
like a sunflower to the sunny beams...
scorching hot, harming its face.... Charcoal black, bursting with seeds...
Rustling and rattling the emptiness in the dark...

Fragrance from the lilies..faded...mild... but unforgettable???
Does it have one at all... sensory illusion...
where's the layers of paintings that paint it a pure pinkish proof...
Where i see, more white than pink, smattering mud, fine thorns in abundance...
that's where my soul pricked itself...
sealed by the silver line of the moonlight...
healed only in the presence of darkness...
torn during a bright day...

Therefore, you see a lily with its stem mangled
petals soaked in the swampy water it loathes so much
drained of pinkness
pale
not even the dew
could rest....

The lily choked, gulped helplessly...
till its twilight...

Radiant Dances...

My parents had bought tickets to this charity performance by the Terengganu Buddhist Association... As usually, they have it in the Auditorium Taman Budaya at Kuala Ibai... Their show was as usual a huge success... I've always wish to join in all these dances as the youth wing is also involved but i never had the chance last time due to the gruelling high school schedule... I'm so glad that my cousin and my junior are in the dances... The joy of seeing them dancing last night was just wonderful... Their dances have improved a lot and are of higher standards since the pioneer performance in 1999.

The lightings in the auditorium are always superb... It's so a fortunate fate to be able to see them perform again... Saw my high school teacher there too, she didn't change much... The two chatterboxes behind my seat were kind of disturbing as they shouted comments when the performers are performing... Mere children of tens i think, they are quite bold and outspoken which indicates generations of values have changed...Their quirky pranks spoiled mum's mood quite a bit i think, because of the occasional grumbling from her during the show about them...

Though a heavy downpour had casted itself upon the land, the auditorium was a full house... I'm so proud of them as their performances have passed through the national level... They still have many sessions of performance throughout the country- Penang, Melaka, Kelantan, Kuala Lumpur...but not once in Johore yet...If they come when I'm there, I'll definitely go for their show...

I just hope that the rain spells could be a little milder now...Don't want to spend the rest of my holidays cooped up in the house... Rain, rain go away, come again another day... Those who are sitting for their STPM, good luck to all of you!!!! Take care especially during this monsoon season!!!

Rainy sprays...

I slept the whole day after coming back to my home... The bus was a freezer after 2am at dawn... Cant sleep a wink at all in the bus...But thank god I've arrived safely home... It's always great to be home although the monsoon season is showering on this piece of land the whole day already... Mum recovered from the cholera infection she experienced that day, she didn tell me earlier maybe because she felt that i might be worried... Thank god as it did not worsen, and she is as healthy as life itself... Mum had went all the way to fetch me back... There were so many files that i had to bring back... It's no longer useful for my first year degree next year... Went shopping with mum as she hadn't been to City Square before... I got two dresses from her purchase...Thanks, mommy....^^



Home, fresh air that i missed smelling so much... I always feel that magic is in the air which surrounds my home... The freshness could not be compared to, anywhere else... Hot bath was a long yearned treat after the long months of cold shower in JB...I got it at last... A fine thing too! as the monsoon does bring chilling spells... I bet it's worse in NZ next time...I wonder whether i could stand the weather there? Hmmm, i always think too far...That's why i must always remind myself that the present is a present^^

There are so many thing that can be done during this monsoon break... It feels great to be home... Friends of the same soil, let's meet up!!! rainy or sunny...

His Poems...

i started to fall in love with Ted Hughes' s poems after we were told to glance through all the poems that are written by him (if they could possibly be found)... although the descriptions are quite morbid, i like the way he put forth the crow's mannerism... Poems on nature are what i like to read... Thus, his pen - ons suit my criteria... I came across this particular one which is very much similiar to what i feel... And, oh my, i do love the sea!!!

Crow and the Sea

He tried ignoring the sea
But it was bigger than death, just as it was bigger than life.

He tried talking to the sea
But his brain shuttered and his eyes winced from it as from open flame.

He tried sympathy for the sea
But it shouldered him off - as a dead thing shoulders you off.

He tried hating the sea
But instantly felt like a scrutty dry rabbit-dropping on the windy cliff.

He tried just being in the same world as the sea
But his lungs were not deep enough

And his cheery blood banged off it
Like a water-drop off a hot stove.

Finally

He turned his back and he marched away from the sea

As a crucified man cannot move.

i love literature more than ever now... I hope to be in Miss Ratha's class next year (she's the one who will be teaching literature)... This year is actually coming to an end... I can't believe that i have done my foundations... Starting from January next year, first year degree syllabus for me...New challenges ahead with far more difficult assignments, coursework, presentations and of course, the final of all finals before I could fly yonder... Results will be out next year which is a little disappointing for me because i really really want to know my results badly... Though i might enjoy this holidays, i will still be thinking about the results... No fun knowing it next year, it seems like ages... And i dread this feelings...

Farewell for the Last Time...

It was quite a successful occasion... although there are some grubs nuisance and the several lighting problem... Well done Tesolians! we did a great job to honour the seniors the farewell that they deserve... It was one wonderful night although it is held in a not so grand venue...But we made it look grand... that's the most successful element of all...

My table even won the lucky draw!!!

the final result of our masterpiece

i personally like this picture very much...^^

Miss Nenny told me something that I'm not very certain whether i heard it correctly or wrongly... it's quite hard to believe, i feel like I'm in a dream but not the nightmarish type... it's the opposite way round...yet, she just give hints...saying that she'll tell tomorrow... Atiqah gave us the certain answer that we longed to know for the past few weeks, so the rumours that fc 2 does not have failures in all subjects is true...Yeah!!! Congratulations to all my classmates...We did it!!!^^

The cleaning up process will start tomorrow morning at 9am... the hardest part would be tearing down the decorations that we had done so nicely... everything will be gone tomorrow...such a short period of existence... what a pity... Yet the process of completing it is one memorable experience which is hard to forget... Bye bye seniors!!! hope to see you guys soon in NZ... ^^

A Little Too Late...But Better Than Never...

I found the late Yasmin Ahmad's blog... I'm so glad to have found it although she has left us for sometime now... It was heart-warming when i browsed through her blog... Her thoughts and her feelings are still very alive... I love most of her film productions and I'm determined to watch every single one of it...

Heard the most dreaded news just now, John Hope is going to meet us on Thursday... I wonder how my grades are... Imagining that my papers have gone through the scrutiny of the three lecturers and then the Aucklanders, it does stirred some butterflies in my stomach ... It's such a strict marking scheme, worse than spm... There seemed to be another rumours circulating around- my class doesn't have failures... I hope it is true...I know that all my classmates have in a way or another work very hard for this finals... Let's just keep our fingers crossed and hope that it is a fact...

I wonder whether I would sleep well tonight? Why did everybody have dreams about exams but i did not??? is it a good or bad omen?

Ehaerera...

Seniors are all going to the land of Kiwis(New Zealand) next year... It'll be a wonderful journey that they will embark on... Haiz, us, the juniors aren't even sure about the results that is going to come out for the finals for this foundation year... I just hope that i could mantain the mock exam results...

Today is their farewell party...I heard that the Aucklanders had shopped for new red and black attires just for this event... I didn't even bothered to wear anything fancy...hahaha...
Guess what, i'm wearing my own D.I.Y design... just a red sweater with the skirt i always wear to class (coz it can be modified into a dress)...I'm so lazy, hahaha, hope that it doesn't look too weird though Theva had reassured me that it looks nice on me and that no one will notice that i'm actually wearing my skirt... It's dual ways of wearing actually, and this is the first time i'm trying the second way... I don't want to embarrass myself actually...but i'm so busy with the deco work that i do not even bother to borrow anything wearable from my friends...So, you can guess how terribly i'll be dressing up in...

The King and Queen of the night is the most awaited event tonight....And the other one is the 'montage of photos' as Miss Ratha said... I hope my photos aren't too bad...kakaka... I wish that everything will be fine about 18 hours from now...^^

Little Ironies, Big Havoc...

The glittery stuff hadn't ended just there yesterday... Yet finally, we are able to produce this masterpiece... Very satisfied with it...Thanks to Theva, Prasana, Kamilah, and Fara...

There are other incident which makes me boil... I've done my part yet someone can actually said that we did nothing and we actually get the scolding... I wonder how such people survive without sheer tolerance from the others... 'What a pleasant way' to approve other people's work huh? Our effort, her name... I'm the bad one as usually ordering people to do work???? I sick of the hypocrisy conjured... The irony lays where I'm the one who gets to hear the word 'I'm sick of asking them....' from someone who did nothing to help... If you don't have any leadership qualities, please don't volunteer to be one... what have you done to quicken the process??? none... we did the donkey work and yet you bad mouthed us??? what's tat for?? to break unity??? Anyone heard of the leader trying to break team work among the members? Hah! Okay, i know you want to be seen as a very good person who does not annoy the members (that's the way to protect you reputation i guess)... But u have INDEED annoyed us by acting that way... It's not the way to earn other people's respect...

I know the others have eyes to see who does their job... You are just paying lip service... You started the fire... you tried to build tension between us? I thought you are innocent at first until i learned of the other side of the story...Sorry to say, you are a coward if you cant even seek help from those who are willing to help... Don't throw your weight around because you are at fault, not us... You really did some serious back stabbing... It's not a good thing at all for a young adult who should be wiser in thoughts and acts...

I learn the hard way, once beaten twice shy, not gonna let it happen again... I do not care what you wanna think about me after reading this post but i know that you yourself know the truth... i have the credibility to confront you because i have proofs and you have lies...

Going Glittery...

Finally, i finish my part, those words sparkling and twinkling under the lamp, (though it wasn't romantic at all) laid on the newspaper spread out, ready to be displayed in the Open Hall this 17th November... It was one tedious task...I was covered in the golden glitters which i could not possibly get rid of every single speck of them... we cut the moulds and sprinkle the minuscules on it after applying the glue on it... Satisfying? Could say so... but i'm too tired to feel about that yet... The end result is not too bad... thanks to the team effort given by Theva...

I've started on Alliasid anothe ebook...But the bustle these few days had forced me to abandon it for the meantime... Haiz, get the farewell going and take a good rest after that... I missed my sweet home suddenly... T.T

Flat out... every single breath has been squeezed out of me...

My throat was clogged when i got up today... Maybe it was due to the over-exercising of my voice box the previous day... The weather was unpredictable... Helped Kiru with her script... Too much of the flowery crap i had put in... I was kept busy the whole day scouting around for the decoration items at Angsana and Mydin... Angsana turn out to be quite a mall to shop...Hmmm...it was more like a mall than what i heard of... Rumours are seldom true anyway... Bought the cloths for rm125... It was quite costly... My aim now is to get the hall set up nicely in time for the farewell... Hope that the effects are as what we are expecting... Such limited time to do it and also with fewer hands left to help around...it was frustrating...

I have to have my lunch which i ordered earlier as my dinner though i do not really have any apeptite for it now... The weariness doesn't wear off so quickly though i'm already back in my room for at least an hour... My energy is totally soaked out...

Once again i felt my wings are tied after the call... I'm still too young maybe... what a disappointment for me...;(

Hope that everything will turn out smoothly tomorrow... No more headache please...

What a Rush!

The date for the farewell party was changed abruptly... 17th to be exact, which means i can go back earlier...XP... Yet there are so many things to get ready, letters to ask permission for things, scouting around for materials, planning the arrangements...all those have to be prepared ready by the eve of the big day itself... I just hope that the effects would be just like what we have expected... black and red are the theme colours for this occasion... i've absolutely nothing black or red to wear for it, but then...haiz...just leave that till the eve, when i wish i could just borrow something suitable from my friends(hope they have something for me)... Too busy with the deco plans... Amirah and I are in-charge of the decorations in the hall, it's quite a tough one to handle but i hope we can make it look superb... "Ehaerera" which means "bye bye" in Maori language is the title for our night... The Aucklanders are coming down too, so it seems to be an international occasional for us and the seniors... I'm quite nervous about the decor... Hope it is not too overdone... Let's try our best to throw the best farewell party for our seniors!!!Tesolians go!!!

A Meal...

The feeling of nausea and headache went off...
Night lights are friendlier tonight, even the breeze has warmer breath today...
If only i can explore the world like that daily, life wouldn't be the same again...
It showered in the evening, but stopped abruptly at night, though still determined to hide the stars...
nice night, freedom of soul... Hope the wind you ride will bring you safely home, just like me... i'll sail with a similiar one home...a friend's love...^^

Rain... The Combination of Blue and Grey...

it was just a week ago, i was drenched in the rain for the sake of camping...The heavy downpour did nothing to pull down our uplift spirits... loads of photo shots in the rain...Like wet ducklings, proud to be sprinkled with the liquid of life... It was one heavy yet light memory...

Then, i started to love the drizzle too... the breeze which took the teardroplets and shook it upon me...it felt great! I felt so at ease... Hope to experience it again... The sky, a turbulent mix of bluish blue and greyish grey, tones change with every mile covered... The missing piece of jigsaw come in, attached to my heart... i'll always remember this day - a holly feeling of freedom... purest of all form in this dark city... The freedom made me feel that the streets aren't as dark as it sounded... My shirt a damp moisty feeling of earthy rain... the smell, overpowering the oxides exhausted... It's life in this bustle... sweeping the worries away... It'll always cheer me up, this little fond memory that will never recede... Thank you very much for giving me this...^^

Sight-Seeing...

How I wish IPTI has this sort of place to go... It's nice and relaxing...i would have gone there everyday just to find some peace in mind... Funny, there are no blood suckers at all when we went there last night... UTM does have superb landscapes...

If only i have a car to go around and a GPS device intact, i would certainly tour the whole of Johore... Just some kind of impossible dream... less than 2 weeks more before i really let my pressured feelings go... I hope I did well in my finals... I want the chance to experience something more than this four borders... Trapped in the hostel with no where to go... although i do go out for some time in the evening...it isn't the same though with the feeling when I'm able to travel freely without having to look at the watch and hurried around to get just in time into the institute's compound...

I just wish for the wings of age, but it didn't sprout from me... I wonder how the angels feel when they soar the sky... Read Anne's House of Dreams... It was such a conformity in its narration, but all those flowery and poetic expressions get me impressed... "a new moon kissing the water's edge".... "the sky was garlanded with stars"... these are a few which i like very much... credits to the author although i get to read her classic just then... I just hope that I'm able to produce such a marvellous piece of work too! Wonder if i have enough knowledge to start my writing passion now... I wanted to, but still hold back as i feel that my command of language isn't that good yet... I wish that my dreams will come through...

Listening to David Archuleta's Crush, i find that i could never feel tired of it...It's repeating over and over again in my laptop... Haha, love the lyrics and the tune, such nice feeling of uncertainty over a crush...it did reveal the ambiguity of having a crush... I feel that a beau would be better actually... A crush symbolises uncertainty - a drop of morning dew on a lily... When it evaporates, the absence is felt, though lighter... A beau - a pea pod... a certain certainty, just that whether it wants to burst out from the tightening pod or remains safe and sheltered in it... "Am i crazy or falling in love, or is it really just another crush"... love this uncertainty... "are u holding back like the way i do"...there's always a twist to it... the dear fairy tale "happy ever after ending" happens yet for a short while... the rest are a pot of gold over the other end of the rainbow, unreachable physically, yet mentally... Haha, don't get me wrong okay when i write about this... just pen down my thoughts... it sounds so dramatic...

I don't know why a suddenly rush of wind brought away the colours around me leaving me in white... white is nice too... i kind of like white already instead of blue... if the combination of white and blue could be mixed as such that the white remains white and the blue remains blue, yet it looked like they are mixed, would it be nice?

I want it to rain now for me, wash all my colours away except blue and white...because i have always envied the blue as to how it makes me worship it... Colours can be so fake... nice to see, yet there is really nothing there just like the rainbow which hangs in the sky showing off its frosty seven coloured mist...

...I look out of my window... the colour is a mix of blue and white, but why it looks grey when both of them combine?

fragments...

it's hard to believe that a few days before the exam, i finish reading an e-book - Anne of the Island, a sequel to Anne of Green Gables. Though it may be classical, i love it for it's richness of emotions and feelings that are cleverly conveyed in the form of words.

i remembered those who had scorned at my reading taste but i really do not care. I 'm not the typical chic flick type, so lovey dovey stories are a no - no (except a remix like Twilight saga which contains some fantasy elements and has somehow caught my attention). My choice of books are actually contradicting. fantasy vs realistic fiction which narrates life itself.

Anne of the Island talks about Anne's life as a young adult..how she goes through that stage of life with uncertainties about friendship, love, studies and passion. she has grown by the time the last page is flipped through. i really love the way the author expresses the reality is. life is full of uncertainties, a moment of joy with ended in a series of misfortunes, every corner is unknown until it is time to experience it, that is what which keep humans going in life.

I've also read the new edition of reader's digest yesterday. It turn out to be quite a disappointment, sort of a slight disappointment. somehow it feels different as the content are not as rich as it was during my parents' era. i love to dig for old reader digest in my house. dad still keeps many of the old editions he had ordered when he was still in college. the stories and articles are really attractive. perhaps it's something to do with the standard of language used.

there are still many e-books that i have never read, gonna use this period of free time to browse through all to my heart's content...no calls for final results please, i wanna enjoy my holidays...

Updates...

well, actually i have not been updating my blog for such a long time... neglect it for two months just to get myself set for the finals... okay time for some updates now...



26-30th October



these few days are my crucial period...four subjects gave me much tension... i hope my efforts will pay off...

Those few days while i was trying to calm down my nervousness when i walked to the examination hall, i took my time to stroll along the nearly 2 km road(because i went half an hour earlier that the half an hour when we were supposed to be there...kakaka)...It made me realised that my campus' landscape is worth a feast for my eyes too!

drinking from the morning calmness and nice scenery before the exam

this was snapped during my evening stroll back to my hostel (the building on the right)

the view at dusk

on the way up towards the guard house(left junction)/old block(walk straight along the curve)


there will be more updates tomorrow morning!^^

Why???

my wings are trained for the air bond freedom,
yet not prepared?
no, I've prepared enough,
my feathers are fully grown, yet, why???
why can't i fly?
the thunder threatens,
the horn sounded,
the lurking hawk, skimming the blue horizon,
yet I'm prepared...
not for a faraway flight,
but a short lurch into the air, i need to learn..
if the tree that cradles me no longer stands,
am i able to escape,
the wings untrained...
I'm vulnerable,
therefore a short life for me...

i need to train, if not, what's the use of wings?
i might as well cripple it...
yearned to see a tiny bit of the cloud
that hung a little further from the old oak shade
bluish orange,
my favourite combination.
none evil roots of some sort
I'll bite-
none rotten apples
I'd put,
i just need the flight,
the flight that brings me into the sky,
my tree will always be my shelter,
yet i must fly...
bird-ling chirrups are no longer heard...
it'll miss that,
that's a reality...
So Why????

Early Merdeka Celebration...Late Updates...

This was actually celebrated last week, way before our country's actual Independence Day... Each class was required to create a banner for that particular occasion... My class' banner was done in three days' time... Enjoyed the process although we did not win the best banner competition...This occasion had definitely strengthen the bond between my classmates... Go 3 FC TESOL 2!!!

Okay, bout the saree i wore that day, it was Kiru's... Nice material, but i felt quite awkward in it...The back had felt so bare...Maybe I'm so used to T-shirts, long sleeves, and long pants nowadays i guess...

No classes for the entire day tomorrow, hooray!!! That gives me a whole day to pack my things... Then, i'll be heading back to KT tomorrow night...Great!!!I just couldn't wait... Can anybody tell me who is also having their sem break this week? Felt an urge to meet up again...^^

Great Relief...

Wow, i feel the heavy burden lifted off my back... My ES assignment is done... What's left is just the printing out and binding it... Two weeks more to the deadline... I'm so happy, breaking record again... Now to gun down Moral...^^

Holidays in 2 days time...Hooray, going back to meet my parents and my cousin... Cant wait... Gracious i feel so light today... Gotta ge ready for Liyana's birthday surprise tonight...Shhhhh.....

Focused...

Lately, i haven't been focusing...All so much for the assignments, i poured my energy over them... ES in the process of completion... Moral+LDS+LDS test(when school reopens)+movie maker(SS)... Lastly, exam is just less than two months away...

I'm so dead...dreaded this type of tension.... I have to be focused from now onwards... I can do it... Carey, you can do it!!! yeah!!!!

Give my full blast in action starting from today... Aiming to gun down ES today...mental block please go unblock... I really need my brains to work to do...

Certain surprises...

looking out from my room's window...It's a sight so surprising... brought a tiny warmth of pleasure... simple pleasure... these fireworks display lasted for 15 minutes... added some glow to the starless night... love it, the sound wasn't audible... silent glimmer... that's what i like about it...

A Long Day...

The day is warm... My cosy room filled with the warm breath of morning breeze... There isn't any lessons today. The bed opposite mine was empty with blanket neatly folded in one corner. I wonder how long have they been having their lessons since i wake up. the thermos flask was already on my table...oh good, a nice warm drink to start the day... I thank the hands that prepared it for me.... Sweet of her...^^

Everything was motionless, I'm the only moving thing... yanking myself out of my pyjamas, i cleaned myself listening to any excitement which would fill the air instantly...I heard nothing... some classes had their lights on, yea, they're having classes alright.... a phone call, shattered the vacuum silence... I dashed around for the papers... Just a call to get me up and around... No time to gulp my food... changing into the official batik... grabbed all of the pile...heading straight to the staff room...

The lecturer wasn't there... Another call... I put everything in my hands on the table... There was nothing much i could do, not any assignments or whatsoever markings... A call got me sweating in the air-conditioned room... I realised... The day is after all...late already...

Ambling along the tar road... i went up to my room..It's still the same, motionless...coming alive only in my presence... But then the sunbeam had shifted it's path the yellow streak now painted across the upper ceiling... It has been a long day... though half a day...

Thoughful...

where's the soul when i need it... This world is full of worries... Those yearned are not possible, fight to make them possible... Double the dosage and multiply it...soon it''l bear the fruits of labour... hard, cool stabbing are numb to feel... morning glory seen only through a peek from the shady birches...wave it through to intertwining tendrils...you'll find that eclipse ended to soon for a cloud that blankets it... can wee fight for our fate?

dearest closest to the soul in mind... deepens the roots of mines...full of aspiration...i hope the blue wins...my likeness of it hoping to close the similarity...maybe cloning it... God is the greatest truth i could bear... fighting...keep on fighting...til bones are bare... water turns the liquor mist... fight...fight....fight on... there's no turning backwards as it is towards the front...

Things that do not last long...

1. My sandals...the sole broke off...worn out...
replace a brand new pair of new ones...rm15...cheap...worth it...
thanks to the promotion...

2. my ring file
battered edges...still usable...
destinated to be replace during my first year degree...

3. newpapers
most of the time...i keep it..but gave it away for friends in need of materials...so my collection is constantly changing...

4. my bedside lamp
replacing it last tuesday doesnt help...break down again yesterday...#some things are meant to break#

5. my dinner tonight
ooh well for all the aromatic smell of it...i had to chew and swallow it to ease my hunger... no more aroma...and delicious food.... more of a curd in my intestine...


Things are always replaceble... still some can be recycled...
i wonder if.... that could be recycled too???

......

这里的景色叫做曾经爱过 不曾在你的拥抱和温柔 撕开票根独自重游 票价是想念你的痛 你说做朋友并不是朋友 我们比路人还陌生得多　　 感情的废墟不曾建过 谁会偶尔回来走走 我站在回忆的入口 蒐集我左胸口暴走的寂寞 赤裸裸的失落 一目了然的痛 让我无法说泪是因为吹风 我沿着命运的箭头 无奈向前走到下个人的怀中 爱你还没爱过 你却要我放 过 谁懂在时间的秘密花园中 你从没走

该死，是我自作多情。
我相信我一定会把你忘掉。

Bookish Obsession...

Recently, i've been (still is) obsessed about Twilight saga...Haha... Actually i had caught the vampire fever since the book was first spotted in the hands of my friends... The craze that time was extreme...I had given up hope waiting to read it last semester as many were taking turns to get it... i've waited till this sem...Looks like i had my luck this time... finish the first and the second book (new moon)...vampire love story...romance stuff and all... I'm quite surprise that i've looked forward to this love flick... Maybe i'm fascinated by the goodie vampires and werewolves...Hmmm... On the surface, it's an enjoyable saga... Still, being the one who is way too down to earth, i could hardly accept the storyline (my personal opinion)...
It has avoided the morale, ethical and religious issue... Trading soul for eternal love??? Hmm... it's quite hard for me to accept though... What about Bella's parents' love? She loves them, but in a way hurts them as they do not know the truth... Imagine their own fresh and blood turns into a vampire, not a humanly human, but a blood sucking being, though not triving on human blood... some kind of ultimate damnation from heaven (in religious context)...an early marriage before college???(in Breaking Dawn) Maybe these issue are something to ponder about, or maybe not...

No hard felt feelings towards Twilight saga fans...Just continue enjoying it... i guess i should enjoy the surface elements of it too... Waiting for Eclipse and Breaking Dawn... Stephenie Meyer's books are addictive...

A Rainy Day...

After spending a whole day in class doing (and playing) the report that we were supposed to hand up tomorrow...Class ends as usual, the only unusual thing is we didn't have any lectures today, all our lecturers were absent...Such coincidence... A whole morning wasted, because the only meaningful work that we had put in effort to do is still incomplete... -_-!"

It was gloomy the entire day i might say... not much of a sunbeam...The atmosphere was cooling but not quite refreshing as it tend to make me sleepy...I felt numb the whole day in class, don't no what's the matter with me...perhaps it is due to my deprivation of sleep last night... didn't sleep too well...poor me...T-T

The sky was covered with a translucent blanket...Dim light darkened the sky...I was thinking of having my usual lunch at the cafe, but the incident yesterday got me thinking twice before i lift my foot...Pondering for awhile whether to skip lunch or swallow some bread... Indulging deep in my own thoughts, i heard the others discussing about having fast food...Ow gosh, not that McDelivery again!! Hearing it doesn't boost my appetite....I was still thinking about the mouse faeces they had found in the rice at the cafeteria...Eiiiww... I had wanted to puke...Those little droppings of the small scavengers are poisonous for us...

I feel like eating KFC though...thus i spoke my mind...silence... and then screams of enthusiasm by Tzyy Wei, "I want to eat cheesy wedges!" The exclamation started to affect the others too... "Wanna call McDonold's or KFC??"
"Anything" (But I think they had made up their minds to have a go for KFC meals)
All plans were set up so abruptly... The cab was called... Waiting...and waiting for it impatiently... Some instinct kept telling me that we weren't going to be in time for our replacement class at 2.30pm... Droplets of sky juice had started to touch the lips of the black tar road... Gracious, it's even worse...what if we were stuck in the middle of a traffic jam...
Theva said for the fifth time "don't worry la...we'll be in time..."
The cab went pass where we where standing...heading straight towards our hostel...unaware of the waving hands of ours which had tried to get his attention in the misty downpour beside the academic block... but still, two of us had to brave the rain, walking all the way to the hostel and flag down to cab which was waiting impatiently by the warden's house...my baju kurung was partially wet, at least just the bottom part of it were it nearly touches the ground... My worn out high heels had been dampen for ages before we could gratefully hopped into the cab,stop it to fetch the other duos who hadn't come along...

At last, we were speeding towards the nearest KFC... Some friends had also placed orders to have KFC for lunch...So we had quite a load to carry after that...

The queue in the fast food restaurant was a short one to my relief... But it took ages for the waiter to prepare all those that we had ordered... It was still raining outside..but the intensity of droplets per square feet was less denser than before...the drinks were the first to be packed readily... To ensure that we will be in time for Miss Nenny's class two of us went out to stop another cab just to jump in in as soon as theva and tzzy wei got the other meals...

The trip back would have been a good one if it wasn't for the pungent perfume (freshener) the the cab driver had put in his cab...imagine the smell of moist trapped air and the sweat and odours that are in this vehicle...it was totally unbearable...
Extremely sensitive to perfumes...I felt like as if a nausea spell had got into me... I feel dizzy throughout the journey....pleading (in my heart) to reach our campus in lightning speed... I really really hate perfumes... Hate it, simply loath it, any type of it...Erghh...

The next time i hop into a cab..I'll surely ask ''Pak Cik, ada letak perfume tak?'' smiled at him and slam the door if he has one or happily got in, grateful that the cabby doesn't make my traveling miserable with weirdo smells and odours... I can bear sweat odours but please...no perfume at all... I'll vomit my entire stomach if it happens again! Anyway, a compensation to it, a chance to savour KFC fried chicken pieces... Yummy yummy, haven't touch it since the first sem last year... *grateful*...

Guilt...

Guilt is a very strong feeling, it sometimes haunt the entire life of a person... Most would avoid it, but still some who consider themselves "brave" enough to take up the challenge of experiencing the guilt...

Those slaves of darkness possess one, two or all of the three major evil roots - greed, hatred, anger... though unsurprisingly, some of them may have complexions as white as the angel's wings, as soft as the snow, as bright as candles which shine in the dark... Some may have splashes of charcoal which includes them whole in the arena of the devilish...

Yet, I believe that humans, no matter how evil, how merciless, how rotten, how troublesome they are...will surely feel a tickle of conscience in them, maybe just a mild one - the feeling of guilt.
It'll sometimes surface out off the darkest cracks which is deeply rooted in the soul, like a ghoul appearing and disappearing...

Gracious me, just hope that the culprit will be captured and handed over to the just ones to handle... I believe that she'll suffer the guilt for the rest of her life if she isn't punished...

Watch out, god have eyes even if mortals don't have any...

changes...

Sometime banality ensures security,
but most of the time it represents cowardliness,
unwillingness to change...

for the worse or better?
we never know...It's the risk we must take...to change...

Most cowards said: i didn't change at all, i lead the same life with the same attitude, doing the same job, eating the same food, maintaining the same lifestyle...life is indeed a bliss...

But how do they know that they do not change at all?
sign of grey hair, though a slight change is an amplification of the change itself...
The blood flows at a different rate each day...
The one obvious puzzle is:
can we experience the same emotion daily, or express the same feelings daily...?
It's a No for sure...

A tree also changes everyday...maybe some leaves have dropped...A few holes in the other bunch... Rivers carry different debris everyday with different aquatic creatures on the move...
each day different winds are born... they fade away too in different manner...

Something that never changes is the change itself...
change is a bliss...

Because of...

Gulping for fresh air...I couldn't breath...*cough, cough*...I'm choking...X_X

Because of the two recent cases... I was roomless for one and the half hours... Sitting in the classroom talking "sweet nothings"...Lol... Not exactly... Cursing to be exact... That's not a fire though the smoke alarm rang because of it... Large bundles of fog swirled upwards into the hostel's vicinity, threatened to swallow the building...

From afar, dark fog hid the building away from our sight last evening... It looked like Doom's Day... Well, the diesel based chemical vapours suffocated many who stood near it... Not a very good omen...

........

.......

........

.........

The Health Authorities had sent their men down to my campus to do some fogging due to two cases of 'Aedes attack' in block G and H...

After the thick gas turbulence cleared a little, my roomie and I decided to climb up to our room and clean...Actually they were still fogging at that time...we tried in vain to reach our bedroom door but the smell was too overwhelming... We had to retreat... Down the stairs we went again, but the fog was thickening all of a sudden... we couldn't fight it back... rushing down from another staircase, we thought that we could finally get away...yet this was what we saw... we were 'surrounded'.... We stood helplessly in the middle of the towering cement walls... Arrgh....

It was them! doing the fogging for a second time... The officer had said earlier that they had finished their duties and so we were allowed to go up to our respective rooms...but the second fog that choked us was for real... They shouldn't play this sort of prank on us... It might cause us suffering nausea for days if not for our high body resistance...

A lesson is picked up : Never go near a fogging site even after it stopped for 15 minutes... wait longer and patiently... Go missing for a couple more hours before trying to brave the stench of this fog...And never ever leave doors open even though you are asked to for health sake... My room still smells today with the anti-Aedes smog...

Looking spooky...

The fogging activity being carried out...It must be a very high dosage of the chemicals...